Yesterday was just lousy. By that I mean really damn horrible. I actually cried for most of the afternoon, until I fell asleep, it was that kind of lousy day. It was a day I want to erase from my memory. But just maybe this post will show others about proper etiquette when dealing with the death of a child.
I had someone tag me on Facebook about finding a dog almost dead on the side of the road and trying to save it. She wrote that all she could think of was me and what happened with my daughter who was left dead on the side of a highway after she was murdered by a hit and run driver. I know she meant well. I actually answered that I was glad the dog had someone to hold it while it died..because I was. In actuality, I should have said ” please take me out of this post as I can’t handle the image you just sent to me that I pictured as my daughter instead of the poor dog”. She wrote of blood coming out of the dog’s mouth, and of it taking its last breath. All I could think of was my daughter and what she must have looked like laying there on the side of the road when she was hit. Was she still alive? Did she suffer? The questions that I have worked 6 years to overcome, and in one moment this ignorant post brought them back. It was horrible to envision, especially at 6 am in the morning when I first awoke.
It doesn’t matter if it was just last week or 6 years later, parents of a deceased child are not any better than they were when they first heard the news that their child is dead, they have just learned to live with their grief. Some such as me have made positive changes in their lives, while others struggle daily to just get up in the morning and go on with life. We parents of a deceased child know about letting go of certainty, and a willingness to embrace life as it is. That is what happens when you finally are starting to adjust to the death of your child. The biggest obstacle to overcome is your mind, and it is important when you respond to others you use control as your response is your power.
So, let us explore my reaction to this awful but totally well-meaning post. I handled everything wrong. I should have written a nice message to her to take it down, as it was very upsetting to me. But, I didn’t. I answered the post honestly about how hard it is for me to still live with the murderer of my daughter free on probation, but I was happy she was able to be there to comfort the dog. A few more comments and it was over. I know she did not know how severely she had affected me. People are oblivious about the way grief can paralyze a person. I went on with my day but was very sad. My companion kept asking me “what is wrong Michele?” I couldn’t really put it into words as I knew I should have shut down the post immediately…then I kept getting notifications from others commenting and I went to stop the notifications and the post was gone. I was relieved and wrote my friend that I knew she meant well and I felt happy that she had thought of Misha. I didn’t say anything unkind, nor confrontational because I am not that way. But then, I am tagged again with the same post. She took it down and put it back up. That made me angry. I try to embrace a way of living that is not argumentative but it vexed me when it went up again. I had felt incredible pain answering the first post and now I had to answer again? Once more I will accept the blame as I should have ignored this second post. This pressure of social media is truly intense at times, especially when my name is mentioned and I am the reason for the post. So I commented that I had said something earlier and that I was very pleased with my life in Colombia with hummingbirds, butterflies and nature. That I felt her with me and I had gone on to create Villa Migelita in her name and put my website along with my answer.
This is when it got ugly. Not in a horrible way, but let’s be honest, it was not nice, because I show that I have gone on to create a life my daughter would be proud of…which I also said…and I got a response from someone who was just being mean. Seriously, shouldn’t this person have written, “good for you to have created this dream in your daughter’s memory?” Instead I’m reprimanded for putting my website on the post! If it was inappropriate to put my website there ‘oh well’ ! The post was about my daughter who was left dead like the dog at the side of the road and I was showing people I have moved forward! When it comes to social drama, letting go of other people’s rude remarks is the best step forward. Most haters don’t really hate you; they just hate where they are in life, and you’re a reflection of what they wish to become.
My heart is bruised from yesterday, and is still bruised today. I have a good life now. I have maids, they see me crying. They become upset. They come to me to ask what is wrong and I tell them the truth; that I was reminded of a picture I saw in the newspaper the very morning after I found out about Misha’s death because of someone who is my friend. She was lying on the side of the road covered by a black bag, but I knew it was my daughter. I don’t want to picture her that way. I want to see her like the cover photo on this blog. I know I will continue to heal until I die. Life is always changing, when something ends or leaves something new happens. I know my sad crying jag will soon be gone, but I won’t get over it quickly. It is just not possible when it is my child I am talking about, and she is dead.
Hummings from Paradise 
I’m so sorry that happened to you hun….I’m not sure how good/smart your friend is, personally I think it was very insensitive of her. I lost my 21 year old granddaughter to suicide in January…I don’t think I could contain myself if anyone compared her to someone else who did the same. Not now, not ever…
And if it hurt my daughter in the process that would turn me into a momma bear for sure.
It’s a shame some people have no common sense when it comes to other people’s feelings.
Don’t let anyone be cruel to you like that again, they need to learn what damage they can do so as not to repeat it.
My heartfelt prayers go out to you for your loss…enjoy your paradise, you deserve it.
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First of all let me say I am so sorry about your granddaughter, I send you ((hugs)) love and light. My friend is a good person who saves animals, I don’t think she had a clue about what she did. However, hopefully she will read the blog and apologize…both of them. I have found my voice since my daughter passed and no longer allow things to go unsaid that need to be said. Thank you so much.
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Your pain comes through your writing. I have not the experience that would allow me to say I have any comprehension of your near unbearable loss nor any understanding of what you have suffered and are suffering still. I think only loving parents who have experienced such profound loss may be able to intuitively sense your grief.
I did not know that you have endured the death of your daughter, your child, until I just read your post. I have so very much enjoyed reading your writing and seeing your beautiful photographs and posts. Your words have always been uplifting and encourage me to work toward a better life for myself.
Now I know a small fraction of what it costs you to walk forward into every day when you awake. Your strength and your courage and your love for our natural world are a blessing to me. I hope you have fewer tears this evening; know that you are loved for your kindness; and tonight between every breath, I pray you have a delicate sense of peace.
Donna
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Thank you for such a lovely comment. I am better today, I have gotten to where writing is the only way to help myself deal with the pain. It is very healing. I am happy I have uplifted you with my writing. Again, thank you so much it means a lot to me what you wrote.
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I am so sorry Michele.. People can be so blind to everything but their own observations of life, cruel is not their intent but goodness and mercy is absent from their thoughts.
We are never alone in times of great sorrow or need, I believe in Angels; they are constant in their love and care..
May you be Blessed and comforted.. 💟
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Ah yes, I so believe in angels and believe they surround me in the form of nature, hummingbirds and butterflies here at Villa Migelita..Thank you so much.
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I can never, ever even remotely know the depth of sorrow that you have lived through Michelle. Never. I can see how that post triggered your pain. Your pain, your deep wound is one that never heals really. I imagine it lingers there in the background of everything, everyday. Anything brings it back. I feel really bad because I know that the post was not intentional to arouse your pain. I know that for sure as it comes from a very good person. I think though that it was gravely insensitive and uncalled for to bring up as a comparison and graphic detail of her experience. Personally, I had to stop reading the post.
I am so proud of how you see life now with kindness. How you are so in tune with nature. How you enhance our lives with your wonderful second country full of adventure. That Villa Migelita is such a beautiful product of what your daughter would want. You teach us all a lesson. A reminder.
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Marlene, I know she is a good person. I wrote this to educate and I hope she reads it and understands that it was insensitive to me. Thank you for always being my champion and friend. I do think Villa Migelita is from the strength I needed to carry on after her death. It has helped me so much just living here in the nature and beauty of Colombia.
I had a few people write me personal messages telling me they saw the post and had to quit reading it too, I need to learn to be more forthcoming, but writing is my way of getting my thoughts out. Hopefully, everyone involved will see the callousness and will apologize.
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STILL THINKING OF YOU. I WISH I WAS THERE JUST TO GIVE YOU A GRANNY HUG. GRANNY
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Thanks Granny, I feel your hug from afar.
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I am so sorry you experienced that Michelle. It breaks my heart. I feel speechless.
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My heart is used to being broken, but it took me by surprise, and by writing it down I feel better. Hopefully, it will educate and inform people of not just child death but any death. Thank you.
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What a horrible experience. I am so sorry. Grief never really goes away, does it? And it always surprises me how quickly it can rear its head and smack me in the face, no matter how much time has passed since the loss of a loved one.
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Yes, it just shows up out of nowhere no matter if you are living your life in a peaceful way, someone can come along and take that away with thoughtless words..but we will show others we are strong. God Bless…we are all members of a club we wish we didn’t belong to. xoxo
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Oh Michele, my heart breaks for you, and although I have not experienced anything like your pain, I am sure you have had many dark days leading up to where you are now. Some people have no clue what to say, and tend to “speak” without thinking “would this hurt me if someone said it to me”. Many people are like me and don’t know what to say in circumstances like that, so we just offer our love and our prayers, along with hugs. I believe there is nothing anyone can really say or do to take the pain away from you, but I give you my friendship & love & prayers, along with extra angels to help you. Misha is so proud of you, I am sure of that, and will always be with you. Hugs my friend, Rusty in MN.
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Rusty, all I want is love and prayers..I really appreciate your words. I have never wanted more than to help others who have gone through a horrible loss. All we want is to speak about it…which for some is really uncomfortable. But, if it brings awareness then we are doing our part. I consider you a very good friend and a very kind person. xo
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I hope that you find peace one day. It doesn’t sound like your friend is a good friend. Just my opinion.
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She is just very involved with her own life and doesn’t realize when she posts offensively. She actually is a nice girl.
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Prayers and hugs sent to you. I have kept up with you journey on facebook, and I just wanted to say I think what you have done has helped a lot of people to deal with loss of a loved one, be it child, or spouse. I would not wish this pain on anyone. I hope that you have a very blessed day.
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Thank you! If I help anyone deal with their pain I’m doing something right, and that makes me happy! So often people don’t realize that after the initial time of “grieving” that they think is appropriate, we the victims family still struggle….just having anyone see this and read it is educational and hopefully a game changer for others to look at life and people with more compassion. Xo
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Proud of you, Michelle!
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Thank you! I appreciate that very much!
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Hugs to you and those who grieve.
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Thank you very much.
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