I am an American who moved to Colombia to find peace after the devastating loss of my daughter. I bought and renovated a Villa, am learning Spanish, and writing as catharsis. This blog will be like a book with chapters. Each blog will be about my life in Colombia and my adventures. I hope you will enjoy the many new discoveries I am making every day about myself and another culture.
One of her last tattoos can be seen in this photo with her two best friends. Words to express her thoughts and feelings written on her body. It says “dance like no ones watching, sing like no one can hear, love like you’ve never been hurt and live like its heaven on earth”
There it was peaking above her bikini, barely noticeable. A tattoo that I had said she could not get. It was open defiance of my wishes. She had asked for a tattoo and my answer was when you are eighteen, then see how you feel about it. Well, after that first tattoo she continued getting tattoos up until her death. I now realize that this was an expressive way for my daughter to show her thoughts, to have control over her body. The funny thing is a couple of years later she talked me into a tattoo also. I remember that day like it was yesterday, and am grateful for my tattoo I got with her as it will always be there for me to look at and remember her by. It was another one of my Misha moments in time that I hold close to my heart and will be there to make me smile for the rest of my life. We both had doves inscribed on our body, mine on my ankle hers on the wrists.
My Tattoo’s which are forever in my heart with the daughter I lost. She had doves on her wrist like I have on my ankle.
I always felt my daughter had too many tattoo’s. I was worried that when she grew older she wouldn’t want them anymore. Now I realize they made her happy. They were a celebration of life to her. She spoke whimsically through those tattoos. She was making statements that empowered her. I read a lot about the young generation now. I want to understand her reasoning about many things. I see photos shared on the internet of women who have had a mastectomy and decided to show their journey with meaningful pictures tattooed over their scars, I see girls who have gone through tremendous trauma like depression or abuse that have a tattoo somewhere because they have survived. I see names of loved ones that a person has tattooed in memory. I understand there is much to the art of a tattoo now. I am reminded of my daughter every day when I look at my own.
As I grow older I don’t regret my tattoo of the doves. In actuality they remind me of hummingbirds now. I feel a special connection with hummingbirds since I have moved to Colombia. I will always remember the last time I looked at my daughter before she was cremated; there were her doves in full view for me to see. I often think of that day when we both decided to get a tattoo together. It was a fun time with her best friends who showed up to see us get tat’s together. I am still very close with both girls and we laugh a lot about various memories we all share of my daughter. Her one friend has a tattoo in Misha’s memory on her side that is quite intricate with a hummingbird and flowers. I love that she did that. My tattoo on my wrist is because of the other friend who had the same tattoo on her ankle and I loved it. I tell my granddaughter that the hearts represent all the loved ones in my life. My tattoos have become a reminder of my strength and the journey I’ve been on since Misha left this world.
A tattoo is a reminder of events in our lives that are meaningful. They serve a unique purpose for the person who has decided to imprint their message on the body. They are a personal choice that is not about what others might think. They are for the person alone who has one. Some people don’t like them, I understand that. I don’t think a huge amount of body art is necessary, but I understand the thought process behind the tattoo culture now. A tattoo is a personal decision that we make. A tattoo comes from a place of wanting to share something essential about ourselves with the world.
The 3 C’s of life: choices, chances and changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change. Unknown~
This is me on a hike in La Buitrera, Colombia on my 57th birthday. The mountains were my solace when I first arrived in Colombia. The views were my happiness. I felt a peace I had not known in a long time.
The first time I read this quote I remember thinking that I was a living example of these words. I had made a choice, to take a chance and move to a new country, and change what was wrong with my life situation. It was a very sudden choice that I didn’t really contemplate like you would think I should, and it has worked out well for me. I really didn’t think a lot about what it would entail. I am sure most people think I was crazy to move to a foreign country without knowing the language, nor the culture, but I did it. I am loving life here in Colombia 4 1/2 years later. It is a life many strive to achieve but never actually do what they need to do to get there. I think desperation drove me to a place that made taking chances not so alarming as they normally would be. I was sad, hurt, and misunderstood by many people. Gossip and innuendo followed me and there came a point that I just wanted to escape the hell I was living in. So I picked up and moved after I visited beautiful Colombia.
It has been a journey. I have had incredibly wonderful moments, frustrating moments, and learning curves. I am a firm believer in living in the now. I am still struggling with Spanish. It is not so easy to learn a new language. I can comprehend most conversations now, I can watch a movie in Spanish and understand, but I still struggle daily with my verbal communication. Some days I can talk away like it is my second language, other days I struggle. I have always been a confident person, but speaking Spanish has made me timid. I realize it is a real feat to speak more than one language and I appreciate all who do. I also have learned to live simply. I am a minimalist. I do not have anything in my life I do not need. What a nice change that has become for me. I no longer shop unless I need something. My Villa is not cluttered. I no longer want a lot of clothes, jewelry, nor items to decorate that have no purpose. I just want simplicity in my life. I look to nature and my animals to find the love I used to seek while collecting a closet full of clothes, a jewelry box full of jewels, and a house full of the latest trends. Nothing is trendy about my house. It is classic. I think of myself as classic too. I seek no-ones approval.
So now I continue on this incredible journey that happened so quickly with the opening of my Bed and Breakfast. It is a new exploration in entrepreneurship for me. I was always the employee and I am now the owner. I enjoy this odyssey I am on. I believe it will work out. However, I know life is one day at a time, there is never a guarantee. I struggle with that. I WANT a guarantee, but after I lost my daughter to tragedy I realize that this is just not possible. So I will keep on writing about my journey and hopefully when the reality of old age overtakes me I will have established a legacy that will show my commitment to an exploration of new beginnings.
I just hosted two of my long time friends at my Villa in Colombia. We had not been together for over thirty years. The 1980’s were our prime, but we still feel young at heart, although many years have passed since those good old days of dancing and clubbing when we were young flight attendants. Our reunion was one that novels are written about, one where we recall all of our old adventures while living new ones. Our first day together was glorious. We spent the day in Buga, Colombia, hiking, swimming under a waterfall, enjoying a Colombian family dinner in an old hacienda, then visiting the famous church Basilica de los Milagros in one of the oldest cities in Colombia. This was a day of new memories, a day that made us feel young again, a day of delightful happiness with the sun shining and the beauty of Colombia surrounding us.
A Shared EmbraceTaking photos in the old hacienda
We started the night before when the three of us reunited at the airport. What a moment the three of us shared when we hugged. Tears were close as we talked over each other. Who would think our reunion would be at Villa Migelita, my Bed and Breakfast in Colombia, South America? We awoke the next day to a beautiful sunny day as we embarked on a drive to Buga and the 150 year old hacienda that is a private residence with history. A place most tourists will never see. The waterfall and natural pool is on this property. We are given a tour of the home and then we are off for a short hike to swim under the cascade. We can smell the aroma of the food cooking as we leave. The dining table set for a meal of Vegetarian dishes, a special request honored by the lady of the house. The fun is just starting! We leave through the old doors that look out to beauty words cannot describe. You have to see it in person. It is exactly as it was many years ago…and we hear children in the family laughing as we start our hike. A sound that never changes no matter the century.
Table is set with the Colombian flairThe doors open to ParadisePure happiness
The hike is short and not very strenuous. We pass sugarcane fields and little rivers. Butterflies are abundant, while they stop for a drink and flutter around us. We arrive and change into our swimwear right there by the natural pool. We laugh and laugh as we remember memories of our past times. We are delighted with ourselves and that we have actually reunited in Colombia of all places. My friend Janet has to coax me into the water. I am nervous as I have vertigo and everything is a challenge to me, she has to go in a few times to show me how I will enter and exit the water. I finally get in after I watch her go under the falls. I enter and am immediately refreshed. Life is good. Life is amazing. Life is what we make of it.
That is me floating next to ElaineA Butterfly along the way
We spend a while relaxing and swimming and then it is time to venture back to the hacienda for lunch. More butterflies surround us. We have definitely worked up an appetite! We arrive back to this old home with only two bathrooms! We have to wait our turn to change into dry clothes. Part of the adventure! We sit down to an amazing meal! We share stories with everyone, and my dear friends experience a Colombian meal in a family situation. They talked about how they enjoyed this unique opportunity of sharing a meal with a Colombian family in their home. We left with a full stomach to venture into Buga and the church of the miracle Basilica de los Milagros.
This church is very special. No matter your religion, or no religion it is a miracle that happened. I wrote of the miracle . I classify myself as spiritual. I believe this Jesus that is displayed behind the glass is the result of this miracle. I really do. It is like no other crucifix I have ever seen. It is a very sacred moment for anyone who stands before him. It is not important what you believe. It is a a moment to save for your memories. We leave quietly and with peace in our hearts. We wander the streets of Buga to shop and sight-see. We run into people I know and sit with them for a while. The day was perfect. It was a day made to remember for years to come. A day of friendship, laughter and fun.
I have to admit I am not the best cook anymore. I have gotten lazy. That is what happens when you have a maid who does the cooking. To be honest, I am not a picky eater. I have said in past blogs that the main meal is served in Colombia between 12 and 2 pm. We eat a light dinner here. It is the exact opposite of what I knew for most of my life. I am fine with this schedule because I am my most hungry in the middle of the day. I love the food here, but I have forgotten my basic American cooking because it is very difficult to find the ingredients for the recipes I used when my children were growing up. So, I have become quite lackadaisical about cooking in general. But then I opened my Bed and Breakfast and food took on a whole new meaning. I want my guests to love the food that I serve and especially the Colombian food.
People really like a lot of different options for food choices these days. I have discovered this through my Bed and Breakfast. Some eat anything tasty, some do not eat meat, some are Vegetarian and some are Vegan. I have to learn new ways of cooking. So I am. I have tried new things this entire week preparing for upcoming guests who are Vegetarian/Vegan. Cooking 101. Quite an obstacle for a gal who doesn’t get into cooking. Now I am learning. New recipes and new food experiences. I like it. I will be honest vegetarian food does not fill me up, so I am hungry in a couple of hours. However, the meals are delicious. I love the new dishes. I love being back in the kitchen. I am learning to cook again. That makes me happy.
Obstacles, they are always there in our lives. We need to overcome them. I have. I am still studying Spanish and I speak with everyone now: even those who can’t understand my accent. It has worked out because I practice. Now I need to learn to cook again. I will. I am doing the very best that I can because it is important for my guests to have the food they like to eat.. I like challenges. Cooking is a challenge that I am winning.
The world came together yesterday when it become known that an American dentist bribed two guides in Zimbabwe to help him kill beloved lion Cecil. The world is outraged by the heinous way they “hunted” and murdered this magnificent creature. The details are sickening. They lured a very special and iconic lion by tying meat to a truck to get him to leave his protected place. American dentist Walter Palmer then shot him with a bow and arrow wounding him. Poor Cecil was then tracked for 40 hours to be shot again with a high-powered rifle. Cecil left a family of lion cubs, his pride, which will now most likely be killed by the next male lion who will take over his pride.
One has to wonder about the mind of this man and others like him. What makes a person turn to violence and the murder of wild beasts? Walter Palmer is not the first to commit such an atrocity, it seems that there are 50,000 members in his so-called “big game club” and that does not include all the poachers and other “clubs” around the world that share an unfortunate preoccupation with this trophy inspired murder of innocent creatures. Did they start as young children pulling wings off of insects then graduate to killing small animals? Did they come from households that encouraged killing as a sport? My mind can not grasp what makes a person so depraved. What makes it extremely disturbing is that they kill without any consequences the majority of the time and we hear nothing about it. They behead, skin, stuff and display their wares in their homes. They are proud of what they have done.
Cecil will become the face to bring awareness to the plight of all creatures murdered by callous people who have not a thought of the devastation they leave with the shot of a gun, the slice of a knife, or the bow from an arrow. Cecil is dead but he will live on to help protect and preserve our wonderful planet of animals. His handsome face will be the symbol of the power of social media, how all of us together can work as one to change laws that allow anyone to pay money for the ability to murder innocent creatures.
May God protect this planet from people like Walter Palmer who is now one of the most detested men on Earth. Let his depravity educate the people who have never given a thought to the slaughter that takes place all over the globe of innocent creatures. May the death of Cecil bring awareness to all that we have to speak up for our planet and the lives of wild animals that inhabit all nations. God bless poor Cecil and may he live forever in our hearts.
Recently I was looking through old photos and I found this lovely picture of my daughter when we attended a Celine Dion concert in the year 2009. It was a magical night. We had great seats and we held hands when ‘our’ song ended the show. Celine’s version of “My Heart Will Go On” was our favorite since we first viewed the movie Titanic years ago. Misha had that movie in her collection and she would watch it many times over her lifetime. Who could know it would have such literal meaning to me the following year on the same date. My daughter left this world on Jan 31st 2010.
After Misha passed away I wanted to have a dream with her in it so much. I had started reading many books on the signs our loved ones send to us. She visited me the exact time of her death when she was murdered by Christian Cvitanovich who hit her with his car and left her to die by the side of the road. I woke up the exact time of her death in a panic. After this experience I knew that our loved ones say goodbye when they leave this world. I became intrigued with all the ways people described their experiences of loved ones who had crossed over. I shared many similar experiences of those I read about, but I had never had a dream with my daughter in it.
One night she finally came to me in a dream. She looked just like this photo. A dream in living color. I felt her communicating to me as her lips curved into this beautiful smile she was known for. She looked happy and content. I perceived peace as I felt her thoughts come to me about how she was happy where she was in this vast Universe. I awoke with elation and happiness. I have felt her spirit around me since she has left me, but this dream is my go to place when I feel especially down. I see her smile in her signature ‘lips together smile’ and I know all is well.
A last thought on the month of July: My daughter was born on July 22, 1989. The month of July is very hard on me. I find myself looking at photos that I have and remembering the good memories. I found this photo by accident, I did not remember taking it, nor saving it in my files. This photo is exactly the same as she looked when I saw her in the dream. I really think she had me find it to let me know she is always with me in spirit. She wanted me to remember that special night when we held hands and sang along to Celine Dion.
In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Close Up.”
I take many photos while I explore my ‘adopted’ country Colombia. This photo shows the beauty of a flower in-depth. The little hairs around the edge of the petals delight me. This flower is one of many at my Villa. I delight in the color of this simple photograph. Color to me is everything. The colors of Colombia make me happy. Purple is so beautiful when seen in a natural setting.
In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Half and Half.”
A bit of sun separates the mountains of Colombia.
Oftentimes I ride my mountain bike along the challenging roads in the mountains of La Buitrera, Colombia and I see a distinct separation of the sun on part of the mountains and shade on part of the mountains. “A painting in front of me” I think. The beauty is formidable. May God grant me this beauty forever, and if I die tomorrow I hope my view is just like this wherever I go.
