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Staying Strong

I feel very good about myself this week. I did something I really did not want to do. I flew to Baton Rouge and publicized the lack of justice that is taking place four years after my daughter’s death. I have dreaded going to that city, driving on the same highway where she was murdered, facing the reality I have known for four years. I was really stressed, feverish, tired and sad during this trip to Louisiana. It felt like I had left my body and Misha entered me and pushed me forward from the minute I stepped onto the plane out of Cali, Colombia. I dread the trial also, when it finally takes place. It is unimaginable to me still that my daughter was killed. I live one day at a time until I find closure in this journey for justice.

I have continued living my life with purpose since she was killed, a purpose that I want my granddaughter to observe as she grows up. I have made a plus out of a minus as my mother used to say. I went from a bitter divorce with nothing but anger and negativity surrounding me to whom I am now, a forgiving but strong woman. I have tried to inspire others with my actions and reactions to all of life’s difficulties. I have slowly made a success of my life based on who I am, not other’s perceptions of what they want me to be. I have shown others that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, even to publicizing the lack of a trial in my daughter’s death.

I now speak Spanish, have a beautiful Villa in Colombia, and a business plan to start my Hostel this summer with like-minded people who enjoy the beauty of nature as my guests. When I look back, I never thought I would end up in Colombia at this stage in my life. I accept that we as humans can not control life’s circumstances or journey, but we can make the best of every situation, even the death of a child. Now I can only hope that my publicity will bring results for my deceased child. I again ask you to write to the DA in Baton Rouge and insist that a trial does take place in June. Here is the email: I also am including the link to the news report from channel 2 WBRZ in Baton Rouge.
I will see an editorial soon in the newspaper The Advocate about the lack of a trial going into the fifth year. I am proud of what I accomplished. I intend to keep publicizing this until I see results for Misha, even though it is so difficult accept and face.
Please click on this link to view the video:

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If I Had Known

If I had known the moment you were put in my arms, I would only have twenty years with you, what would my thoughts have been? Nobody every tells you the truth about loss. You don’t only lose someone you spend your life shaping, teaching and loving, you lose part of yourself. Your heart. Your humanity. Maybe even your soul. Through all of our life together, no matter the distance, or estrangements, a bond existed that remained strong. This bond came to me the night you died when I awoke at the same time that car threw your body, and it remains strong even in your death. I have only photo’s now. I look through them sometimes, there are so many and I thank God for that. However, they make me sad. I want to put myself into a time capsule and go back to each memory. I want to look into your eyes again and say I love you, I miss you, and I wish the last years of your life had not been so hard. I would tell you how strong you were, even when you knew you made decisions that you wished you had thought through more. We would talk about a lot of things when we walked to the beach with Amaya in her stroller. You were going to school, but you had a baby and you were only 19 years old. I was helping you care for her, but it was a difficult situation. You wanted to have fun and go out more, like your friends were doing. We shared so much those last months you lived with me. We went to see Celine Dion one year to the day before your death. It was such a wonderful night, magical really, who would know you would be dead the next year? I think of these things now when I wake up and can not sleep. I cry a lot, like now, when I write down how I feel. I am so angry you have not seen justice yet. The man who killed you over four years ago walks free, continuously getting the trial postponed. I feel helpless. I am doing what I can, I am writing about it. I will share this with as many people as I can Misha. I will ask them to write to the assistant District Attorney to ask why they are not fighting for your rights to have a trial? It has been postponed three times now. I wish I could go to the principal like I did when you were younger and kids bullied you when you wore glasses. I wish I could have the ability to get this publicized like I see other unjust situations get publicity. All I can do is try. I will send this to every news organization I can and maybe I can get you your trial. I am and always was your biggest champion. I know you see that from Heaven, as you visit me in the form of hummingbirds and butterflies everyday. Just now while I write our song “My Heart Will Go On” came on the internet radio. I know you are around me in spirit always. Remember how we held hands and sang along at her concert to this song? I feel you next to me now, looking over my shoulder as I write. This photo montage will show people you had a wonderful life that was taken too soon. I will remind people you have not seen justice yet. I will do what I can.
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Now I ask my blog followers to write the Assistant District Attorney of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His name is Ron Gathe. This is his This is a link to an article written at the time of her death: The man who hit her has been free for over four years and is living his life like he never took her life. Look at these photo’s and remember she was killed while trying to help someone, someone who did not even mention Misha when she talked with the police. Misha was left on the side of the Interstate I-10 for hours dead. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson deserves justice. I want to make sure it happens. This man needs to stand trial and there should be no more continuances in this case. I sincerely ask for all of you to write this to the DA. Misha lost her life, Amaya lost her mother, her brother lost his sister, and I lost my child. My heart still goes on, but it will never be the same without her.