If I had known the moment you were put in my arms, I would only have twenty years with you, what would my thoughts have been? Nobody every tells you the truth about loss. You don’t only lose someone you spend your life shaping, teaching and loving, you lose part of yourself. Your heart. Your humanity. Maybe even your soul. Through all of our life together, no matter the distance, or estrangements, a bond existed that remained strong. This bond came to me the night you died when I awoke at the same time that car threw your body, and it remains strong even in your death. I have only photo’s now. I look through them sometimes, there are so many and I thank God for that. However, they make me sad. I want to put myself into a time capsule and go back to each memory. I want to look into your eyes again and say I love you, I miss you, and I wish the last years of your life had not been so hard. I would tell you how strong you were, even when you knew you made decisions that you wished you had thought through more. We would talk about a lot of things when we walked to the beach with Amaya in her stroller. You were going to school, but you had a baby and you were only 19 years old. I was helping you care for her, but it was a difficult situation. You wanted to have fun and go out more, like your friends were doing. We shared so much those last months you lived with me. We went to see Celine Dion one year to the day before your death. It was such a wonderful night, magical really, who would know you would be dead the next year? I think of these things now when I wake up and can not sleep. I cry a lot, like now, when I write down how I feel. I am so angry you have not seen justice yet. The man who killed you over four years ago walks free, continuously getting the trial postponed. I feel helpless. I am doing what I can, I am writing about it. I will share this with as many people as I can Misha. I will ask them to write to the assistant District Attorney to ask why they are not fighting for your rights to have a trial? It has been postponed three times now. I wish I could go to the principal like I did when you were younger and kids bullied you when you wore glasses. I wish I could have the ability to get this publicized like I see other unjust situations get publicity. All I can do is try. I will send this to every news organization I can and maybe I can get you your trial. I am and always was your biggest champion. I know you see that from Heaven, as you visit me in the form of hummingbirds and butterflies everyday. Just now while I write our song “My Heart Will Go On” came on the internet radio. I know you are around me in spirit always. Remember how we held hands and sang along at her concert to this song? I feel you next to me now, looking over my shoulder as I write. This photo montage will show people you had a wonderful life that was taken too soon. I will remind people you have not seen justice yet. I will do what I can.
Now I ask my blog followers to write the Assistant District Attorney of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. His name is Ron Gathe. This is his email:Ron.Gathe@ebrda.org. This is a link to an article written at the time of her death: http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2010-02-17/news/fl-louisiana-hit-and-run-20100216_1_deerfield-. The man who hit her has been free for over four years and is living his life like he never took her life. Look at these photo’s and remember she was killed while trying to help someone, someone who did not even mention Misha when she talked with the police. Misha was left on the side of the Interstate I-10 for hours dead. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson deserves justice. I want to make sure it happens. This man needs to stand trial and there should be no more continuances in this case. I sincerely ask for all of you to write this to the DA. Misha lost her life, Amaya lost her mother, her brother lost his sister, and I lost my child. My heart still goes on, but it will never be the same without her.
7 thoughts on “If I Had Known”
Oh, Michele, how my heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine how it feels to not have justice for Misha’s death. To still have no closure after all this time! May our letters have the desired effect. I wish peace for you above all else. I know the pain that comes with losing a child; I do not know the pain of a negligent justice system. (((HUGS)))my thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you❤Nancy
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you always.
Michelle, Your blogs are wonderful and my heart aches for you too. I have written Ron Gathe on your behalf and am praying that the trial will go forward in June. Think of you often with love, Tara
Michelle, your daughter was beautiful and had a beautiful life. I’m so sorry about the prolonged journey for justice in her case. I’m from Louisiana, so I know all about this issue. So sorry.
I just can not find the words to express how i feel about Misha becomming an Angel in such a way…
All my love to you Michele…