A lot of what I’ve read about this whole subject seems overblown in today’s world of hype and buzzwords. It didn’t feel manipulative to me, maybe because I realized right away it might be what people call “love bombing” when he sent me a romantic song to get my attention. I think for him, sending memes and songs was easier than talking, since his persona was definitely introverted, while I’m the chatty extrovert. Although I apparently lack the social skill known as texting etiquette, I text like I talk, too much, which I will address later in this blog. I know these social media terms get thrown around as another way we can get hurt in today’s world. People cancel each other for the most ridiculous reasons, and I always take a wait-and-see approach with anything new. He appeared in my life at a time I was ready for a diversion after focusing on my business and personal growth for many years. Anyone who has moved abroad like I did and figured out life in a foreign country has faced more than most. It has given me the kind of independence that comes from finding out everything the hard way, surviving, adjusting, learning another language, and trusting in myself. I am resilient, and my confidence is part of my personality. I know what I have accomplished, and I also know that not many people could do what I have done. Any man entering my personal space needs to know this, too. I’m always ready for something new and see life as a continuous process, but I control my life. I am not an easy target for anyone. In fact, I think anyone who has a relationship with me figures that out.
He visited Villa Migelita Ecolodge last year with a family member. We had known each other on Facebook for years, and I was curious to meet him in person. They arrived in the early morning hours after a long flight, so I made pizzas and opened some wine. The conversation was pleasant, and the views of the Valle del Cauca were as beautiful as ever. I love it when anyone from the USA sees what I take for granted. Views at night from my balconies will impress even the most jaded person. Over the week, I saw that he’s serious; in fact, I don’t recall seeing him smile much. Spending a day out with him and his cousin, he showed a lighter side, but was still kind of stuffy. I would later find out that his social skills lack warmth and effort. After a few days, they left for another part of Colombia. Occasionally, I’d get texts from him or his cousin, which is normal for guests who visit my Glamping place. One day, his cousin messaged while I was at the hospital with my son, who had a medical emergency. I replied briefly, explaining I had no time to chat. Love Bomber messaged me kindly after hearing about my son and kept in touch. My phone constantly lights up with messages, so I wouldn’t know when someone’s interested in me. Then he sent a Luther Vandross song—my favorite. That’s when he caught my attention. The songs he started sending were fun and increasingly love-oriented. I would then send back a song that was even thirstier. As we continued texting, I realized he had a repertoire; for someone I remembered as sort of boring, he seemed deliberate in his use of this technique. These gestures didn’t fit the person I recalled. I also realized later in our relationship that he doesn’t listen to music, unlike me. Did he have these songs in a PDF file, ready to use when needed?
As I look back on the initial phase of this flirtation, I realized that Love Bomber was a pro at texting, but with songs, and only songs. Then came the memes and only memes. He didn’t talk unless he called me. Then it would be me carrying the conversation, not him. If I spoke about my day, which is always filled with guests and interesting happenings, he would just look at me and not engage. If I spoke about him and his life, he would talk. I like the old-fashioned way of chatting. Let’s talk on the phone, or send real thoughts, not songs, not memes. Looking back on our text conversations, there weren’t any. I would send him a couple of short paragraphs. As I said earlier, this is not the way social media experts think is appropriate. I should have answered with a short, witty sentence, as they advised. I would receive a heart and another song or meme. I found it weird, to be honest. No real words or connection, just these silly reels and memes. Because I am who I am, I didn’t care. I accept people as they are if I like them. To me, it was all in fun. I’m perceptive, and I looked at this blatant manipulation of romance as entertainment once I realized his intent. Those big gestures were priceless; in fact, the more obvious they were, the more absurd the songs or memes I would send back. It became a game in my mind. He was writing a book, and he started sending me chapters. I am a writer, so I was interested. However, he wasn’t interested in anything I had to say unless it was about him or the book. He started calling me his muse. I didn’t mind helping him, but being his muse added some work to my day, in the form of reading and dissecting his book. Yet he could never send me a normal text. Not a “How was your day?, I know you are busy. How are the dogs?, How is your son? What is the weather like?” Nothing. As I write this on my blog now, I realize it is not normal not to ask about the other person. Maybe this is why I feel the need to share this story. I am a busy person, but I loved the attention he was giving me. I admit to that. However, if you are the type of person who really wants a love interest, I can see where this attention could draw you into a situation where you might get hurt. Make sure your expectations match reality. I know life is not a fairytale; I have been through a lot. As I always say to prospective suitors, “I never want to marry again!” and LB (love-bomber) knew that from our first, as I call it, three-day date in Bogota.
He invited me to meet in Bogota for a few days. I had to close my Glamping place down, but my son was living with me, so I could leave. I met him in Bogotá, and as soon as I walked outside of baggage claim, he was touchy-feely, taking my hand, hugging me, and kissing my cheek. I am not demonstrative at all, so it felt unnatural to me. I give warm hugs as a greeting, but prefer to leave it at that. As we drove in the Uber, he kept up the affection. I was worried. What had I done? We arrived at the hotel and had lunch on a beautiful terrace. Wine at lunch made me feel less nervous. I knew he was a normal human from his time staying at my hotel, so I began to relax. I explained I needed my phone for hotel inquiries. I felt bad because I don’t like being on my phone when with others, especially while eating. I would later learn that LB was the most phone-addicted person I had ever been around, including younger people, but he kept it in check during this trip. He needed sleep, so I caught up on reservations while he snored in the other bed in our suite at the Sheraton. I kept wondering why I left my comfort zone, especially while sharing a suite. I told myself I needed something new, which I think women talk to themselves like this when they should not. In hindsite I realize I don’t need anything new, because my life is pretty perfect. I knew it was going to be tough at night since I’m a light sleeper. I had an ex-husband who snored, and believe me, I love being single and not having snoring in my life! When he woke up, we went out to dinner and enjoyed Korean BBQ. When we returned to the hotel, I literally had no sleep that night. My thoughts were, “Why did I do this? I do not like to have my sleep disturbed. I hate it, and my thoughts while I lay awake half the night were not kind, nor ready to start anything with him. But the next morning, after I slept fitfully, he suggested going to the gym on our floor. I liked that, because fitness is important to me. He seemed to care about staying in shape, which is also a requirement for any man in my life. I did Yoga while he worked out; my unkind thoughts about my lack of sleep weren’t as bad now.
If you look up love bombing, you’ll see that people who do it avoid social interactions and focus all their attention on their objective. YOU. This does match some of what I experienced, but what I want my readers to know is that not everyone will be affected the same way. They do shower you with affection—holding your hand, putting their arms around you, being overly attentive —but LB was limited in one-on-one social skills; he really could not carry on a conversation with me. I didn’t notice this at first because I was translating for us, and to be fair, I can carry on a conversation for another person and me without a problem. I can see how someone might get caught up in the initial phase and feel over the moon from all the attention they receive, even though this attention was mostly nonverbal in my case. His behavior was over the top, but flattering, too. And I want my readers to know that love bombers usually focus on someone who is lacking something in their personal life. Maybe they’re lonely, missing companionship, or have never had a real relationship before. Maybe they want to be swept off their feet, and the love bomber comes along and does just that. I thought he must be infatuated with me, nothing more than that. I was enjoying a break from my usual routine. My life is wonderfully full, filled with what I have made for myself through lots of effort. For me, it was a vacation and nothing more. One-on-one with LB wasn’t bad, but I later realized that was the only time I enjoyed his company. A relationship has to be more than just the two of you; it has to be shared with others. He is not good with other people, not even a random smile to a passing stranger. I also found him secretive, though I couldn’t figure out why. I would ask him a question, and he was really good at deflecting. There is something strange about someone who doesn’t initiate contact with others yet overshares on Facebook. Facebook seemed to be his comfort zone. We all know that many of the posts we see on social media don’t tell the whole story. I also noticed that his Facebook friends were only connected to him; no one was connected to anyone else. For instance, I have friends I share on Facebook with over 100 other people. Looking back, I think this should be a warning to anyone. Why didn’t he share any friends with others?
We visited Monserrate in Bogota after working out together in the morning. We enjoyed some wine and beautiful views before heading out to lunch in the Candelaria district of Bogotá. He actually talked to me a bit, and when we went out to lunch, we discovered we liked similar light meals. Again, I want to add that this could be another trait of love bombing. They will mirror everything you like to make themselves more integrated into your psyche. On the second night, as we walked through a trendy part of Bogotá, I felt uncomfortable. We found a great restaurant, but there was only silence between us as we walked the streets, which is unusual for me. He didn’t seem to notice how uncomfortable I was; he kept clearing his throat, and I was worried he was getting sick. That’s when I realized he didn’t mind not making conversation, not even when the silence felt heavy. I was dressed up and felt good, but he didn’t seem to notice. Later, he’d say our trip was perfect, but I remember that night as a red flag. I loved sightseeing in Bogotá, but that dinner wasn’t fun for me. I remember it as a contemporary place, without any romance from the person who had been showering me with attention all day. On our last day, we visited the salt mines, which were fascinating. We were at the back of our group, and when a woman spoke to me in English, he didn’t engage with her. I love meeting new people. She was a Colombian living in the USA but visiting Colombia. We walked together for a little while, with LB sort of holding back. I didn’t know this was normal for him until later. We had a driver who took us to another colorful pueblo for lunch. I ordered a lot of food, tapas style. LB became cranky when his Coke didn’t show up quickly. I had to go and find out where it was. He was arrogant and a bit rude. I didn’t like that. When we both left the next morning, I thought what would happen next was up to him.
After Bogotá, he was attentive to me by text, again with the songs and memes, and asked to meet up again. He sent me a round-trip ticket to the Northeast since I wanted to see the fall leaves. After a long journey from Cali, Colombia, to the NYC area, I was excited to visit my best friend in Newport, and LB drove me there and went to visit his aunt. I appreciated that he helped me reconnect with my friend. Shannon and I laughed like old times. When LB joined us, I finally realized he didn’t like being around people he didn’t know, and he seemed uninterested in being friendly to my friend. Shannon tried to get him to talk, showing him local sights like Fort Adams, and still managed to keep things light while engaging him in a one-sided conversation. Later, Shannon said she knew our relationship wouldn’t last based on our conversations; I did share what could be construed as red flags. That day, with LB and Shannon, reminded me that while moments of excitement when LB focused only on me can be welcome, staying true to myself and being honest about what I want matter most. At this point in the relationship, I was learning things about LB, and he was learning things about me. There are no hidden meanings when you allow people to be who they are. True freedom comes when the mind is not chained to outcomes. Seeing that LB was not comfortable with my best friend was a warning. Not necessarily a red flag.
After visiting Fort Adams in Newport, we had lunch by the water at The Moorings. We ordered a bottle of wine and enjoyed great seafood. With the wine, LB became a bit more outgoing, but not in a way I’d call warm. My thoughts were, “Remember, Michele, not everyone is like you and Shannon; they might not be as outgoing.” Once we said goodbye to Shannon and got back on the road, LB returned to being charming and affectionate—holding my hand, kissing me, and giving me lots of attention. I couldn’t help but wonder why he acted so differently around my friend. We drove to a hotel because he had planned a day of leave viewing at the Rockefeller State Park Preserve. It was a long drive, and I badly wanted to put on some music, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have internet on my phone while out and about in the USA. I found it strange that he didn’t play music from his phone through the speaker. Afterall, we did nothing but send each other songs. I had the beautiful fall colors to look at, but something about the music bothered me. I realized it was because the night before, at the hotel, I had put music on from my tablet. We heard a song that he declared would be our song. He said this should be a wedding song. Then said, “Oh, yeah, you never want to get married again.” I didn’t say anything because I had made that clear. However, right before that, he had chastised me for interrupting him at lunch earlier. He doesn’t talk to anyone enough to actually interrupt him. He also told me he loved me that night. That was a definite chaotic turn of events in my mind. I couldn’t keep up with the topsy-turvy way his mind worked. I also was dreading going to sleep and hearing him snore. I put in the earplugs I brought.
When we arrived at the park, the weather was perfect. A cloudless day awaited us, with the leaves all changing colors. I couldn’t have been more content. I had come to see the beautiful fall colors, and he had delivered them to me perfectly. We wandered the park, holding hands, and I lost the unease I sometimes felt around him. We were both quiet in a good way and stopped to have a small snack while sitting in the woods. As a glamper all of my adult life, I could not have had a more perfect morning. Nature parks are my forte. The scenery itself was like the joy I always take in when I am at my own place in Colombia. Small pleasures are how I live in the present at all times. I took in the colors, the clear skies, and the sounds of children laughing. I love being stimulated by my surroundings. We had sandwiches waiting for us in the car for our ride back later. We were going to spend the night in New York City. I could not have been happier. I had not been to the city in years. I found I had no appetite and was starting to get a headache. We arrived at the hotel in the late afternoon, right under the Brooklyn Bridge. I had to lie down immediately because the headache was horrible. I felt nauseous. I wanted to feel better so I could go out in the city that night. After rest and a Tylenol, I forced myself to get going, but it was very hard. The cold air really helped. When we left the hotel, the young hotel receptionist looked at me and remarked on how cute I looked. It was another curious moment for me because, just like in Bogotá, LB seemed not to like the attention I got when we went out; he never remarked on my looks or my style. I have always attracted attention because I have always dressed with flair. Everything I have read about love bombing is based on how they want to be the ones who give you all the attention you need, so you crave it and look to them for that dopamine hit.
That night in Brooklyn, looking across the Hudson River at the skyscrapers of New York City brought back memories of layovers from my past as a flight attendant. The weather was cold, but not overly so. It was helping me to feel better. We found a crowded, popular restaurant and were given a quiet spot in the back, since the only table was near a door. I loved that too, because whenever the cold air entered, I felt better. I didn’t know why I felt so off, but I did. After dinner, we walked around and then drove through some areas from LB’s past growing up in Brooklyn. It is so interesting how times change neighborhoods, and they become so swank when they were once the projects. LB was the most talkative I had ever seen him be. He loved showing me where he grew up and places from his past that were now restaurants or fancy buildings that had once been liquor stores with apartments on the top floors. For me, it was wonderful being in the city. I couldn’t wait to go out the next day and experience more. Back at the hotel, I fell asleep quickly with hopes that whatever was bothering me would leave by the next day. When I awoke the next morning, I felt better. After breakfast, we were off to see the One World Observatory. I had always wanted to see this towering structure built after the tragedy of 9/11. As a retired flight attendant, I felt a close connection to that day. It was, to me, the best way to end my vacation in the United States. I felt a quiet synchronicity inside my soul, visiting this sacred site, which represented so many who died that day. We had lunch at the very top, overlooking the breathtaking views of New York City. I could almost hear the song New York, New York playing in my mind. We ended this wonderful day at a bar in SoHo, drinking Tequila with an old college friend of LB’s. I was completely over whatever caused my headache. The next day, I had an early flight home to Colombia. After I arrived home, Shannon called and said she had COVID. I wasn’t sick at all, but we figured I must have been the one to give it to her. She came down with it on my last Sunday in New York City, and I must have had COVID when I had that headache on the Saturday before. I had a test, so I took it, and sure enough, I tested positive. I had never had COVID that I know of, so I isolated. I called LB and told him to test. He said, ” No need, I have no symptoms.” I didn’t either, but still, you can spread it to others; he didn’t seem to care. Wow, a big red flag waved in front of my eyes. Who goes out and spreads COVID?
I won’t lie, a long-distance relationship takes work. We didn’t have plans to see each other until LB came to Colombia in December. That would be more than a month of texts and calls. Since he had made it clear to me that he was in love, I knew we would have to stay in regular touch to keep that energy going. I told him I loved him, but I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be in love; I liked the romance of it. But, did I really love him? The memes and songs can only go so far. We would talk on the phone occasionally. As I look back on that month by reading my WhatsApp, it was just more of the same. Love songs, back-and-forth, memes, and then one day he didn’t contact me. I had never spent time with LB outside of these vacations. To think he was in love with me and I with him seemed premature to me. I knew the only way to tell was for him to come back to Colombia and see how he was day to day with other people around him. I wouldn’t be with him all the time; I would be taking care of my business, and we were entering the busiest time of the year for the tourist industry. I was already booked into January, and it was only November. I remember the date because it was the day before Veterans’ Day. I had noticed his texts were falling off, maybe mine were too, but I tried. He hearted something I sent, then nothing for almost two days. Being me, I didn’t send anything else. I know it was Veterans’ Day, and I should have said something to him because he was a Veteran, but I knew he was not contacting me deliberately. That man was always on his phone. He never put it down. So I ignored him, too. This is the way I look at these things. I do not have time for nonsense. I am too busy in my life to play stupid games with anyone. I was tired of not talking on the phone like regular people. He posted a Photoshop image of himself on Facebook as a much younger, handsome version, and he received accolades all day from friends. If you have time to post, you have time to say hi to me.
After that long period, he called me. He asked me what was wrong. I said I was wondering the same. I explained that as the owner of a successful business, I don’t have time for bullshit games. I make time for him, and he should make time for me if he really wants this relationship to work. It wasn’t the longest nor friendliest call. He said he would have to think about it. I was fine with that, because why waste each other’s time? The next day, he called me and said he wanted to make it work and would make an effort to stay in touch every day. Finally, he would call me once a day, and there weren’t as many memes doing the talking for him. The only thing is, the calls always had to revolve around him, his day, his book, his work, him, him, him. Any time I brought up anything related to my work, it was quickly brushed aside. If I called him, he would say I have to call back at his convenience, after he ate or whatever. Meanwhile, I was running my hotel and would take his calls when I was eating or working. Again, I guess this isn’t the etiquette required in this social media age, but I am not like that. I am who I am; I don’t go by any rules except my own rules of life that I live by. In the back of my mind, I wondered what it would be like when he arrived in December, and I had guests. I chatted with my brother from another mother and told him what was going on. He, of course, scolded me: “Michele, look at what you have done! You moved to another country and opened a hotel, and speak another language. Don’t let some random man make you think of moving, marrying, or changing one thing you have accomplished!” I knew that was true, and sometimes LB would send memes about getting married. I would always say, “Now you know I never want to get married.” I never waivered on that. Also, LB was a divorce attorney! He would know better than anyone about why I was turned off to marriage, after two failed ones in my life.
He arrived in December, after almost 1.5 months apart. I knew this relationship wasn’t going to succeed if we always had to wait that long to see each other. One can only take so much of these memes. At least when I was with him, there was a break from that. Also, there was too much about him that I didn’t know. Sometimes I would try to get him to open up about his past, but crickets. I, well, all I do is share about my past. I am an open book; I have had this blog for years now. We both agreed not to publicize anything about our relationship on social media. I have to be honest: his chat style, filled with romantic references from songs and reels, was too smooth not to think there might be someone else. I was already thinking I might not want to keep this going, but I would be honest about it. With him, I wasn’t so sure. Especially after he arrived. A few days in, and my thoughts were, what does he do with his life when he is in the States? That phone was always in his hand with a headphone in his ear. He was messy, which I didn’t really notice when we were traveling because we were staying in hotels, not my clean glamping place, which he was treating like a hotel on the road. I would get up between 5:30 and 6:00 am, and he would be sleeping. But then he would expect breakfast to be served to him, all meals while he was here, unless we went out. He never washed one dish, picked up his clothes, and threw wet towels on the bed. He barely acknowledged Adriana, my employee, but expected her to wait on him and do his laundry. My son was here, and he barely spoke to him. He spent most of his time in my Suite or on the balcony adjacent to my room. Of course, that phone was attached to him as if it were part of his body. He complained that I would sit with him for a while, then jump up and go do something, leaving him alone. I don’t care whether I am in a relationship or not; I am not responsible for entertaining someone by being with them constantly. This, to me, an independent woman, is absolutely horrifying. Then we went out to dinner on the first Saturday after his arrival, and I knew that this wasn’t going to work even if I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself.
We had plans to go on a two-day road trip to Nevada del Ruiz the next day. One of Colombia’s most biodiverse areas. I was able to go because my son was going to run my place for me. LB had only been here for a couple of days, and I was already feeling exhausted from running my hotel and taking care of him. We made plans to go out to dinner. I invited my son to join us, but he declined. I drove us down the mountain to this popular restaurant in La Buitrera. This restaurant has beautiful aesthetics but really bland food. They serve a good cocktail, though. I ordered a blue margarita, and LB ordered a mojito. We placed an order for food, and my son showed up to say hi. I was so pleased because I knew he had come by for me. LB said hi, while my son tried engage him in conversation. I thought, let’s see how this goes. I love my son more than anyone in this world. He is my number one person, my love, my defender of everything. I can assure you he didn’t want to be with us. I had seen how LB had been so withdrawn, with no interaction, in the two days he had been here. When I say I was shocked, I mean it politely. LB put on his headphones and listened to whatever he was listening to while my son tried to engage him in conversation. I tapped LB and said, ” Take your headphones out.” CJ tried to talk to him about football, anything, it didn’t matter, LB mumbled answers. So CJ and I talked. LB put his headphones back in, and I realized that this was f**ked up. CJ hurried through his meal and said goodbye, and off he went. LB took the headphones out when he left. We ordered another cocktail. LB chatted away with me like he hadn’t been the rudest person ever. We left to buy some wine for the week in another shopping area, and LB got mean to me. He made fun of me for having blue lips from the cocktail I had been drinking. All I could think was he never says how nice I look, but he sure loved saying I had blue lips. To think I had ten more days with him. When we returned home, I found my son and apologized.
To be continued……..
Hummings from Paradise 