Tag: child death

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The Mona Lisa Smile

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This).”

Recently I was looking through old photos and I found this lovely picture of my daughter when we attended a Celine Dion concert in the year 2009. It was a magical night. We had great seats and we held hands when ‘our’ song ended the show. Celine’s version of  “My Heart Will Go On” was our favorite since we first viewed the movie Titanic years ago. Misha had that movie in her collection and she would watch it many times over her lifetime. Who could know it would have such literal meaning to me the following year on the same date. My daughter left this world on Jan 31st 2010.

After Misha passed away I wanted to have a dream with her in it so much. I had started reading many books on the signs our loved ones send to us. She visited me the exact time of her death when she was murdered by Christian Cvitanovich who hit her with his car and left her to die by the side of the road. I woke up the exact time of her death in a panic. After this experience I knew that our loved ones say goodbye when they leave this world. I became intrigued with all the ways people described their experiences of loved ones who had crossed over. I shared many similar experiences of those I read about, but I had never had a dream with my daughter in it.

One night she finally came to me in a dream. She looked just like this photo. A dream in living color. I felt her communicating to me as her lips curved into this beautiful smile she was known for. She looked happy and content. I perceived peace as I felt her thoughts come to me about how she was happy where she was in this vast Universe. I awoke with elation and happiness. I have felt her spirit around me since she has left me, but this dream is my go to place when I feel especially down. I see her smile in her signature ‘lips together smile’ and I know all is well.

A last thought on the month of July: My daughter was born on July 22, 1989. The month of July is very hard on me. I find myself looking at photos that I have and remembering the good memories. I found this photo by accident, I did not remember taking it, nor saving it in my files. This photo is exactly the same as she looked when I saw her in the dream. I really think she had me find it to let me know she is always with me in spirit. She wanted me to remember that special night when we held hands and sang along to Celine Dion.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Forgive and Forget?.”1973566_756373984428670_7210894168049152791_o

Sure it is easy to forgive and forget some things. But to ask me to forgive the murderer of my daughter and forget what he did, I can’t, I won’t. He killed her when she was helping someone. He ran her down and left her body on the side of the road for hours. She was twenty years old, and had a two-year old daughter. He killed a daughter, a sister, and a mother. He is without remorse and has never apologized. I made it my mission to get him to trial, which he avoided for almost five years. He was given a suspended sentence by a worthless judge in Baton Rouge, Louisiana who is known for letting killers walk free. I can’t forgive or forget her either.

Do I let this travesty ruin my life? No. I live my life in memory of her. I do everything that she can no longer do. I will not allow myself to be bitter. I will not allow myself to wallow in the sadness I feel that will never leave me. Do I think of him now that he is walking free without ever serving time for killing my child? Yes, sometimes, but it is best for me not to think about him as I become very agitated over the injustice. I get physically sick, I really do. My health has suffered. It is best not to think of him at all, but that does not mean I have forgotten. It is just the way I have to live, the murderer has left me with that. He left me with a hole in my heart that will be there until I die. If I think of him, like now while writing, I hope someday he will feel the kind of pain he inflicted on all of us who are still grieving her death.

So I think asking someone to forgive and forget could be applied to petty squabbles, or ex-spouses, mean people, friendships that disappoint, bad relationships, anything that you have moved on from. I cannot move on from her murder. I can allow myself to enjoy life, I can relish the beauty that surrounds me here in Colombia, I can feel happiness. But I can never forget her, I can never look at the gorgeous rose blossoming,  the hummingbird drinking nectar, or the butterflies that float by without thinking she is missing this. Her life cut short through the senseless act of selfishness that one man perpetrated. He drove off and left her there dead, he shall never gain my forgiveness.

Asking the Impossible

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Counting My Blessings with the Help of a New Puppy

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Last night I fell asleep looking at the stars. I slept in my bedroom surrounded by glass walls feeling suspended in the air, floating in the space of unlimited dark sky while the solar system twinkles with life. My thoughts twirled in my head as I looked out at the dark mountains that have trees that look like tiny people walking in line on the top of the mountain. These trees always remind me of myself walking  along a path of single-minded determination to make my life a willful dedication to become a person that lives life to experience, touch, and see the beauty that life offers. I try to wake up every day with an attitude of positivity and hope. Hope for a future that brings me a measure of happiness that was lost with the death of my daughter. I want to show the world that from total despair comes  the emergence  and ability  to draw from our inner strength.  Daylight brings new light and I am surrounded by the songs of a thousand birds singing in unison, different species all awaking with dawn to warble their songs as I look out from my bed to see them flying from tree to tree.  My joy is immeasurable. It is with sadness I feel this joy, as I would not be here in Colombia without the loss of a life along with the devastation it brought to my soul. I think in moments like these my daughter is sharing my world and thoughts, as if she somehow lives inside of me now and pushes me from within to keep working towards this elusive future that I am building. These are the moments of blessedness that I have lived my life in pursuit of. I stretch, and look around my newly renovated bedroom, feeling the crisp air of the mountains flow through the open windows and close my eyes and just listen to the sounds of nature. Sometimes I am not sure what I feel, the space I occupy is so beautiful and serene, the energy so peaceful, I never thought I would see this day or feel a measure of contentment again in my life, but I do. It is there deep within me fighting for a chance to break free if only I would let it happen.

How do I allow myself to live with calm tranquility when my daughter was so young and taken from this world to soon? These thoughts flow freely with my eyes closed. Instead of really appreciating my surroundings, I’m like a bystander staring from afar, noting the look of a house that could be one I’ve seen in a magazine. Surely, this not my house? Why do I feel detachment? Is it possible I will ever allow myself to really appreciate what I have achieved? I have a huge hole inside of me that may stay until I leave this world. I promise myself I will work on these innermost  thoughts that plaque me. I drift off to a slumber not quite sleep, but a meditative state sending my messages to the Universe.

The sound of my new puppy crying brings me back to reality. She is my latest rescue dog. I wasn’t looking for her, but could not refuse when I was told that she was going to be put to the streets if someone did not adopt her. I couldn’t let this happen as I lost my dog here on the streets last year, and even though I can’t save every animal if given an opportunity to save a life I will. I realize as she cries to get out of her kennel that perhaps this is my calling, part of my destiny and life plan. She brought me a gift I did not seek. She has shown me that I am not unworthy of blessings, but should count them. I’m surprised by my revelation in that moment. By helping the discarded I’m helping myself. She brings with her the playfulness only a new puppy can bring, and it is contagious. She greets me with such unconditional love when I hold her first thing in the morning, a love only an animal can share without preconditions. In her presence I look around my gorgeous surroundings with a new perspective. Perhaps I am worthy of these blessings. With that thought I walk with her to the yard and let her run free and watch as she takes in her new world all the while accepting this new life without question and only living for this moment in time. Her name is Beeja which means the beginning or origin of the soul in Hindu. Is it possible her name and spirit will allow my soul to emerge and let go of past regrets? I am going to try to be like her, to enjoy each moment without harboring doubts and worries that tend to find their way into my mind. Life is short, the suddenness of death brings this lesson too close for all that have experienced great tragedy. However, the life of a little puppy brings a new beginning along with only the happiness they can show with their exuberant energy. I like the name Beeja, it fits her and gives me a reason to count my blessings of which I have many.

 

With great thanks I send warm regards to my friend Jo who picked the name of Beeja through a contest I had on my FB page Villa Migelita. I believe nothing is a coincidence and Beeja will help my soul emerge. Please follow and like my page http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita to share my continuing journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Time for Peace Now

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

“The highest education is that which does not merely give us information but makes our life in harmony with all existence.”

― Rabindranath Tagore

I do not believe in death, I believe in life after life. I am in harmony with my surroundings, I have found an existence that fits me, my truest self. When it is time for me to leave this world, I will go with happiness in my heart as I have fulfilled a dream I often thought about when I was younger. I wake to the beauty of nature every day, I do not seek more than that. For when we meet our inner desires we have found a place of spiritual refuge.

I used to be a person who wanted too much, the void of not having everything I desired kept me seeking more and more. I reject that way of life now. Looking back on my past I realize my best moments in life were with my children in the Smoky Mountains every summer. Showing my children the beauty of nature, showing them life was more than new clothes or the best video game. We would spend those summers exploring and enjoying time outdoors. A precious memory held in my heart was with my deceased daughter riding our bikes through Cades Cove. We had to get up super early to take the hour and a half drive, but Misha was as excited to do this ride as I was! Every summer we would look for hummingbirds to come to the feeders and we would look for bear sightings. This particular morning we arrived at Cade’s Cove to ride our bikes at around 6 AM, the park closed to cars on Saturdays until noon. We saw many deer, squirrels, birds and the beauty of  nature in glorious quiet solitude while the clouds occasionally graced the path we rode. It was lovely. We rode in the splendor surrounding us, we saw wild turkeys, more deer but no bears. Then when we were nearing the end of our journey there they were in front of us! A mama and two babies, we both stopped quickly and stood and watched.maxresdefault The joy we shared was exhilarating! We kept our distance. The mother was aware of us but we felt no danger. The little cubs played and climbed up and down the trees. We spent a half hour sharing this wonderful experience, our only communication was through our eyes. Finally the mother wandered off into the woods with her precious babies following her. My daughter and I rejoiced in the moment. These memories carry me through days of sorrow when I miss her so much it hurts. These summers were what made me dream of retiring somewhere that had mountains, nature, and streams. I held my dream in my heart in times of turmoil. I always felt if I could just be with nature I could correct the problems that plagued me. We went to the mountains until my daughter was sixteen and my son ten. It was after the last summer in the mountains my marriage really started falling apart and I put my dream into the recess of my mind.

If I can say anything favorable about the death of my daughter it is this, her death gave me the strength to move forward with my life. I filed for divorce twice from my ex. The first time was after the last summer I spent with my kids in the Smoky Mountains. It was a summer unlike the previous summers. The family of my ex would send  the abusive cousin to stay alone with no supervision at my in-laws residence. He was drinking and getting high every night, destroying their mountain residence. He picked on my daughter constantly and  rode a golf cart around at night drinking and smoking. She wanted so badly to fit in, but I did not want her to be around this kind of behavior. Our time in the mountains was no longer fun, but stressful.  One time he even cornered my children who had taken two tubes into a lake in the resort. This cousin and a friend took a small boat and cornered them and held them hostage under a man-made waterfall, scaring them both, as the water was strong and soaking them while they desperately tried to return to shore. My daughter came back when she was finally able to get away crying because her little brother became terrified, and she felt responsible. I had enough and told my husband this and we left the mountains early never to return. It was sad.  I filed for divorce for the first time shortly after that summer. I eventually went back to my ex for a short period.

The second time I filed for divorce I would to never go back. I wrote about my relationship and how I finally got the courage to leave here. The following years can only be described as hell. I found a great lawyer who kept saying to me “I will get you divorced!” I never knew from day-to-day what my soon to be ex would pull. He called the police on me, he tried to have me committed, he sent the Department of Child and Family Services to my house and this was all before my daughter died. I never knew what was coming next. Then my daughter died by a cold-blooded hit and run driver who left her on the side of the road for hours, until her body was spotted by an early morning motorist. I hit rock bottom the moment I learned of her death. I was in shock for several months after, not even knowing what each day would bring for me. My move to Colombia saved me. Now it is six years after the fateful day I left a marriage that was a sham. I have the peace I sought for many years. I no longer neglect my heart. I no longer make excuses for myself as to why I stayed in that situation for so long. I now focus on the place I am now, and I genuinely appreciate my life. I still have problems but I no longer try to rationalize anything. I accept this is part of life and I spend my days trying to make myself a better person for my well-being, I have put myself as number one in my life. I left a situation that became unbearable, and I started the long journey that has brought me to this place of peace.

The moment I awake hearing the songs of birds I feel gratitude. I know I have been given a gift that I cannot explain. I know it took courage to move; to drastically change myself and my lifestyle. However, when my child died I transferred all that was amiss into worthy, and I did it in her memory. Life will never be the same. I live and grasp each moment like life support. Her death made me look at everyone and everything differently. You must do what is right for your soul. You can’t wait until the moment is right, because that moment may never come. We are all going to die someday, and with that thought we must choose to live. We must make hard choices if we are in a situation that we find detestable, if you wait for the right day you may never see it. I am firmly embedded in Colombia, I know I can never go back to what I had before, and I do not want to. When we make strong choices it is usually because we have a past that was destructive. My choices will continue to be my own from this day forward. I will accept the consequences based on my decisions. I have found a time for peace now, and I embrace it.Taz , farm where wedding 077

 

 

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Christmas Musings

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I took a long walk in nature this morning and thought about the last four years of Christmas past. This will be my fifth Christmas without Misha my deceased daughter. My thoughts were all over the place. I thought about my granddaughter who has to live her life never knowing the free spirit that embodied my daughter, I thought about how being a survivor of a murdered child has changed me, and I thought about Christmas day. It is hard for me to enjoy a day that brought so much joy when my children were growing up. Of all the paths I have met during my lifetime, the death of my daughter is the hardest one to walk. I have survived my entire life up until this point. I have survived trauma, heartbreak, devastation. I am still going strong, working towards a new future, opening my Bed and Breakfast Villa Migelita and waking up each morning knowing that I have to live for my daughter and Amaya my granddaughter who will want to know all about her Mommy as she grows up. This Christmas my future does look bright, and I must let go of the negativity that has surrounded me for years. I spent the last five years working on justice for Misha, but I lost because of a corrupt judge and a flawed system in Louisiana. If I let this wrongdoing consume me, then the future I have worked towards will be shrouded in bitterness not happiness. I will no longer allow adversity inside my mind nor my life. This Christmas I want to enjoy the day without the terrible heartache that overtakes me during this time of year. I used to have a tree with so many presents underneath.1717_1063213746577_8020_n
This new life I embarked on when I moved to South America has made me realize those presents mean nothing. Health, well-being, our kindness and actions towards others are the most important gifts we can have and give. Christmas day means so much more than opening a present. It is a time of reflection and contemplation about the past year and what we can do to make change in our lives in a valuable way. It is a day of celebration with family and friends, appreciating the very life that God has given to us. I have many new friends here in Colombia. I plan on spending Christmas with those friends and entertaining at Villa Migelita during the holiday weeks. I have decorated Colombian style, and play Christmas music during the days. I put my parrot LuciSunsets, Luci and dogs swimming 044 on the window in my office and watch her dance to the Christmas carols. These songs bring back many memories of my life before divorce and death wiped out the joy of the season for me. Christmas was always so special at my house when my children were growing up. Christmas can be special for me again, because I will make it that way. The last Christmas I spent with Misha was such a delight, Amaya was just a baby. When I think of the past I will focus only on the wonderful memories of years gone by. There was so much positive, so much love, and Misha would be so proud today if she could see what a lovely child Amaya has turned into. 1717_1063212986558_2937_n

So how does one let go? There are many people just like me who have hurt so badly they feel they can never love again, live again, nor keep moving forward, but we do. We grasp the knowledge acquired from misfortune and use that knowledge to become better people. I have not given up on securing justice for Misha, I am just letting go. I think that is what she would want. I am not satisfied I will get my happy ending. Maybe there is no such thing and we find the truth when we leave this world and enter a new dimension. I just know that I have to move forward with an unencumbered mind. I have to let the New Year bring me the possibilities I have worked so hard for. I have to focus on the road ahead, not the road I left.

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Pondering, Life and Friends

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You go a little crazy when your child dies and that craziness brought me to Colombia. A decision many found controversial, but a decision that has provided healing to me after many years of turmoil. This journey, often messy, often wonderful, and often sad brought me to a point where I know whom and what I personally need to fulfill myself, the main discovery is I am my own best friend. My friendships with others have been involved in the shaping of my life, but ultimately I am the one who I need to count on during good and bad times. My mom would call this character if she was still alive. I call it strength to be me. No matter how many outside influences try to change my character, I am the one responsible for my life. The past is always in the forefront of my musings and brings forth the question of how our life relationships play a part in our life journey?

Contemplating while I lay sleepless some nights, I look back on friendships that played important roles in this formation of my life. The life I envisioned when I raised my children gone to the wayside, with only memories left to remind me it happened. When I was that soccer Mom, going to my daughter’s games to hear her cheer, routing for my son at basketball games, volunteering in the school cafeteria, making sure my family was well cared for, my thoughts when I envisioned the future were always about my children going to college and me encouraging them as they began their own life journey. There is no crystal ball to show us the future, but we have relationships that are part of the composition of all that develops. Did the unfolding of my life come with me in a predestined package when I was born? Did my decisions cause the problems my children encountered in their teen years or was it what we call free will which we all exercise as humans.

I have written of my first marriage and the birth of my daughter which you can read about here: https://hummingsfromparadise.wordpress.com/2013/11/22/being-myself/. I met my best friend for life when I married my first husband, she is still with me today as my confidant, cheering me on as I move forward here in Colombia, happy for me and what I have accomplished. Isn’t this the way we should be with our friends? Supportive, honest, and loving? I know nothing will come between us, as she is the sister I always wanted, the person I go to for advice about anything, and she is non-judgmental, which applies to me also.004 I really do not gossip about others, even those that have hurt me. If I have something to say, I say it to the face of the person and it is between us only. During my many years on this earth I have acquired and lost friends, some dropping from my life without notice as I raised my family, others being set aside because of treacherous behavior, and those who left from their own false judgments based on gossip or jealousy. Then there are those who have entered my life recently who are enriching me with kindness, support, and shared love for all living creatures of this world. People I have met through my website http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita. I remember watching TV on a standing television without a remote, and now I have connected with many through technology and I consider them friends in my new life of Colombian living! Lastly, the friends that I had lost contact with, finding me again (through FB) with their own tales of what occurred during the years we had not talked. What does it all mean?

I reflect on much during those nights of insomnia. I have one particular incident that bothers me constantly since my daughter’s funeral. When I was in my twenties before both of my marriages I had a friend. I considered her a best friend for many years. Her son grew up with my daughter as playmates he was almost 4 years older but we always did things together and when I married again, my ex-husband became friends with them both. They were always at our house, went on vacation with us, we called them family. The day Misha spoke of the incidents to me the sun was shining, my mood happy, my son in the car with us as we parked to go inside a store. “Mom he touched me where he shouldn’t have and had me touch him where I should not.” The air left the car, the words were inside my head but I could not believe them. The boy who grew up with both my children molested my daughter who had just turned 10, he was almost 14. He took her innocence. He did it while I was in the house with my 3-year-old son right there when he did it. These details came out during her counseling. The friendship ended. You would think that would be the end of this story but it is not. My ex-husband brought them back into his life when my daughter was killed. He brought that boy now a man to sit beside him in the front pew of the church next to my son. He placed the ex-friend in the pew behind where all my family was. My ex-husband had no one from his HUGE family attend except his sister. I stew on this question often; “Why did I not make a scene and have them removed?” I was in so much shock from her death is my only explanation, because I always stand up for what is right. It is something that really bothers me, so I am writing it down to get it off my chest. I wish I had approached the Priest and told him what this kid had done and I know he would have changed the situation. I did not and now I live with this inside me and will forever. I will never understand why my ex-husband did this. I know his motivation was to hurt me, but this was his daughter he disrespected at her funeral by bringing the young man who took her self-esteem during a time in her life when she should have been discovering who she was. He brought these people around my son again at a vulnerable stage in his life. It broke my heart, and during the whole funeral I was aware of their hateful presence. This was an act of treachery I meditate about often, and I never can find an answer to it. Sometimes there are not answers in our life journey, maybe we find out later when we are no longer living on this earth.

Many people were so wonderful during the week of my daughter’s death, I can not emphasize that enough. Then the funeral was over and they were gone. Poof, abracadabra, gone. Then me wandering the house with so many memories of my children, not just Misha, but my son, who was not with me much anymore. I remember that time vividly. It was awful. I still was going through the divorce from hell, and now had the huge stone of grief carried upon my back, carried with such sadness because my daughter left many angry about her death and I was the person they all took it out on. Now all those people (well most of them) are my friends because they realize I had nothing to do with the actions of my daughter in the year preceding her death. If anyone was asked they would say “she is not consumed with her daughter, but her death has changed her.” I actually went to a retirement luncheon the year after she died, full of much anticipation to see people I had not seen in a long while who knew what had happened. I was shocked by the reception of people I knew for years. I was barely spoken to, I was ignored by friends of many years, it was cruel. I then started putting things together and I realized that the people who supported me during Misha’s funeral and death really did not like me. It was clear. It was awful. I will never go back to a retirement luncheon again because I have enough of my own grief and sadness to last me a lifetime and I do not need other’s to place their preconceived perceptions on me also. I had a friend for years that I always notified of my arrival back in the States, who never really responded. Out of some sense of guilt I kept contacting her because she was wonderful during the divorce and the death of my daughter. Then she just changed. The last contact with her was me asking if she wanted to meet myself and another of her friends for lunch when I arrived? Her response? One word; “maybe” that was it she is out of my life.

So that is enough of the negativity, let’s talk about the good things. A very dear friend who was my maid of honor in the wedding of the father of my daughter recently contacted me through Facebook. We have reconnected and I see her and her husband as part of my life forever. They are making plans to visit Villa Migelita. Her husband still calls me “Missy” my nickname from childhood. Another friend also has reconnected, she a flight attendant with so much of the same stories of her horrific divorce. Then there are the flight attendants who admire what I have done, not knowing me well but asking to be my friend on Facebook, and the flight attendant friends who never have left my side during this journey of life I am on, never judging always supportive. They know who they are. I love them. Me, well, I am real excited about the Bed and Breakfast I will soon open, just like a new chapter in a book. It is my life; good or bad. I am struggling every day to get past Misha’s death, but I am winning.003

For those who follow my blogs, the trial for the killer of my daughter will take place starting June 2nd. My trip and subsequent publicity made a difference.