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A Time for Peace Now


“The highest education is that which does not merely give us information but makes our life in harmony with all existence.”

― Rabindranath Tagore

I do not believe in death, I believe in life after life. I am in harmony with my surroundings, I have found an existence that fits me, my truest self. When it is time for me to leave this world, I will go with happiness in my heart as I have fulfilled a dream I often thought about when I was younger. I wake to the beauty of nature every day, I do not seek more than that. For when we meet our inner desires we have found a place of spiritual refuge.

I used to be a person who wanted too much, the void of not having everything I desired kept me seeking more and more. I reject that way of life now. Looking back on my past I realize my best moments in life were with my children in the Smoky Mountains every summer. Showing my children the beauty of nature, showing them life was more than new clothes or the best video game. We would spend those summers exploring and enjoying time outdoors. A precious memory held in my heart was with my deceased daughter riding our bikes through Cades Cove. We had to get up super early to take the hour and a half drive, but Misha was as excited to do this ride as I was! Every summer we would look for hummingbirds to come to the feeders and we would look for bear sightings. This particular morning we arrived at Cade’s Cove to ride our bikes at around 6 AM, the park closed to cars on Saturdays until noon. We saw many deer, squirrels, birds and the beauty of  nature in glorious quiet solitude while the clouds occasionally graced the path we rode. It was lovely. We rode in the splendor surrounding us, we saw wild turkeys, more deer but no bears. Then when we were nearing the end of our journey there they were in front of us! A mama and two babies, we both stopped quickly and stood and watched.maxresdefault The joy we shared was exhilarating! We kept our distance. The mother was aware of us but we felt no danger. The little cubs played and climbed up and down the trees. We spent a half hour sharing this wonderful experience, our only communication was through our eyes. Finally the mother wandered off into the woods with her precious babies following her. My daughter and I rejoiced in the moment. These memories carry me through days of sorrow when I miss her so much it hurts. These summers were what made me dream of retiring somewhere that had mountains, nature, and streams. I held my dream in my heart in times of turmoil. I always felt if I could just be with nature I could correct the problems that plagued me. We went to the mountains until my daughter was sixteen and my son ten. It was after the last summer in the mountains my marriage really started falling apart and I put my dream into the recess of my mind.

If I can say anything favorable about the death of my daughter it is this, her death gave me the strength to move forward with my life. I filed for divorce twice from my ex. The first time was after the last summer I spent with my kids in the Smoky Mountains. It was a summer unlike the previous summers. The family of my ex would send  the abusive cousin to stay alone with no supervision at my in-laws residence. He was drinking and getting high every night, destroying their mountain residence. He picked on my daughter constantly and  rode a golf cart around at night drinking and smoking. She wanted so badly to fit in, but I did not want her to be around this kind of behavior. Our time in the mountains was no longer fun, but stressful.  One time he even cornered my children who had taken two tubes into a lake in the resort. This cousin and a friend took a small boat and cornered them and held them hostage under a man-made waterfall, scaring them both, as the water was strong and soaking them while they desperately tried to return to shore. My daughter came back when she was finally able to get away crying because her little brother became terrified, and she felt responsible. I had enough and told my husband this and we left the mountains early never to return. It was sad.  I filed for divorce for the first time shortly after that summer. I eventually went back to my ex for a short period.

The second time I filed for divorce I would to never go back. I wrote about my relationship and how I finally got the courage to leave here. The following years can only be described as hell. I found a great lawyer who kept saying to me “I will get you divorced!” I never knew from day-to-day what my soon to be ex would pull. He called the police on me, he tried to have me committed, he sent the Department of Child and Family Services to my house and this was all before my daughter died. I never knew what was coming next. Then my daughter died by a cold-blooded hit and run driver who left her on the side of the road for hours, until her body was spotted by an early morning motorist. I hit rock bottom the moment I learned of her death. I was in shock for several months after, not even knowing what each day would bring for me. My move to Colombia saved me. Now it is six years after the fateful day I left a marriage that was a sham. I have the peace I sought for many years. I no longer neglect my heart. I no longer make excuses for myself as to why I stayed in that situation for so long. I now focus on the place I am now, and I genuinely appreciate my life. I still have problems but I no longer try to rationalize anything. I accept this is part of life and I spend my days trying to make myself a better person for my well-being, I have put myself as number one in my life. I left a situation that became unbearable, and I started the long journey that has brought me to this place of peace.

The moment I awake hearing the songs of birds I feel gratitude. I know I have been given a gift that I cannot explain. I know it took courage to move; to drastically change myself and my lifestyle. However, when my child died I transferred all that was amiss into worthy, and I did it in her memory. Life will never be the same. I live and grasp each moment like life support. Her death made me look at everyone and everything differently. You must do what is right for your soul. You can’t wait until the moment is right, because that moment may never come. We are all going to die someday, and with that thought we must choose to live. We must make hard choices if we are in a situation that we find detestable, if you wait for the right day you may never see it. I am firmly embedded in Colombia, I know I can never go back to what I had before, and I do not want to. When we make strong choices it is usually because we have a past that was destructive. My choices will continue to be my own from this day forward. I will accept the consequences based on my decisions. I have found a time for peace now, and I embrace it.Taz , farm where wedding 077

 

 

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Author:

I am an American who moved to Colombia to find peace after the devastating loss of my daughter. I bought and renovated a Villa, am learning Spanish, and writing as catharsis. This blog will be like my book with chapters. Each blog will be about my life and adventures. I hope you will enjoy the many new discoveries I am making every day about myself and another culture.

14 thoughts on “A Time for Peace Now

  1. Beautifully said Michele..I wish you nothing but the happiness you so deserve my dear…I can tell you are one Awesome lady that had to endure so much and you are so right about leaving a bad situation, you just gotta do it cause the timing is never right…Us women sure take and take and we wanna forgive and then we begin to blame ourselves, when it’s nothing we can do, even if you get it in your mind that you can change someone, you can’t, that’s something that person has to be willing to do..There’s one thing that I did learn from being married to a cop, he taught me that everything has a warning sigh if you are smart enough to detect it…It took me many years to understand that but when I made my mind up it wasn’t no stopping me…I’m so very sorry honey for the loss of your beautiful Misha, but I’m so happy that you and her shared the beautiful experience at Cades Cove…I love all of your honest and I for one can tell you that your stories help me so much Michele..Here lately I have been having major meltdown I guess no matter what we have to endure in life there are always steps and extreme emotions that we have to go thru…I will always pray for you darling and I’m so very thankful for all of your beautiful video’s that you share with us all, it makes me feel like I’m standing right next to you…until you write your next story, I will keep on trying to survivor everything that’s throwed my way…Love you Beautiful lady..Love, Sherry…

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    1. Sherry I am so happy we have connected and I pray you find the joy you deserve even though you are having a very rough time right now. I appreciate all your kind comments and that you keep my in your prayers. I send you much love and light. You are a survivor! Love, Michele

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  2. SO GLAD YOU FOUND THAT PEACE WE ALL HAVE INSIDE OF US. SOME OF US FIND IT WAY TO LATE IN LIFE. YOUR LIFE WOULD BE MY LIFE IF I HAD MY WAY. I ALWAY WANTED A LOG CABIN WITH OPEN PORCH. DECK ON A QUIET LAKE, OVER LOOKING A BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN. OF COURSE WILD LIFE ALL AROUND SO I COULD JUST TALK AND FEED THEM. GOD IS GOOD. MAYBE IN MY NEXT LIFE. GRANNY

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      1. IT SEEMS SO FUNNY HOW THIS MACHINE LETS YOU MEET STRANGERS THEN BECOME FRIENDLY. MY GRAND DAUGHTER SAID I SHOULDN’T BE SO FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW. I TOLD HER I PICK AND CHOOSE. IF I PICK THE WRONG ONE SO BE IT. AT MY AGE WHO REALLY CARES.IN A MILLION YEARS I WOULDN’T HAVE BELIEVED THAT I WOULD CHAT WITH PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES. I DO TRY AND BE CAREFUL. YOUR BEING BLESSED EVERYDAY BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE YOUR WAY.YOUR WONDERFUL SON WILL UNDERSTAND AS HE GETS OLDER. I JUST HOPE IT’S SOONER THAN LATER. BECAUSE WHEN YOUR GONE IT’LL BE TO LATE AND REGRETS.

        HERE’S A LESSON FOR YOU TODAY.

        IF SOMEONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOU THAN IT’S THEIR PROBLEM. DON’T YOU JUST LOVE THAT SAYING. AN OLD LADY TAUGHT THAT TO ME A LONG TIME AGO. IT SAVED MY MINE. I LEARNED TO SPEAK UP AND NOT BE A MOUSE. LOL

        HUGS, GRANNY USA XX OO BACK AT YOU

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      2. Granny, I understand your granddaughter’s concerns. There are some people who are not to be trusted but I think you know that! I to believe it is amazing how we can com
        Next with the world through the Internet. I hope I help others with my musings, and I know many people live in unhappy situations. I’m proof that at any age we can start over! You are the best !

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  3. As always a good read. I’m working hard to find that same PEACE just in a different part of the World. One day I’ll travel to yours Hugs!!!

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