Posted in child death, Children of deceased parents, expat life, Uncategorized

Thanks for the Love

Every year when the anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches I face the dilemma about whether or not I should remark about it on my Facebook. I then think of Misha and what she would want. She would definitely want to have the spotlight for a day. So I put a memorial to her on my feed.

This year I was overwhelmed with the lovely thoughts everyone has written, and I want to thank you for them. As the years go by I worry I will forget memories or they will fade, sometimes I even get her age wrong. How can this be? I think because I will always remember her as 20 years old: the age at which she left this world. I have so many photos of her growing up and I sometimes look through them just to refresh my mind about life moments that were special. It hurts of course when I look through past memories but they also make my heart smile.

Misha was a lover of social media, she got me started on Facebook, and Twitter. I am so inept at these things that I talk to her in my mind sometimes when I am trying to figure a new app out, when something can’t be downloaded, or is downloaded but I don’t know where to look for it. She was a whiz at all of it and as the years pass and we become more entwined with all that social media offers, such as Netflix, Smart TV’s, all the phones and more that are our lifelines I know she would be loving all of it.

So thank you all for taking a moment out of your day to send love to me and to Misha who is still with me everyday here in my beautiful Villa. She is with me when I look at the hummingbirds, or when I rescue one. She is with me when the beautiful Ibis that have made their resting spot in the Norfolk pine come to visit. She is with me because I buried her ashes in a garden made especially for her, and I see the butterflies all around her on the flowers. She is with me because she loved animals and she would love all of mine. She is with me in my heart until I leave this world and hopefully am reunited with her soul.



Posted in child death

Truthful Words About the Death of My Daughter

Yesterday was just lousy. By that I  mean really damn horrible. I actually cried for most of the afternoon, until I fell asleep, it was that kind of lousy day. It was a day I want to erase from my memory. But just maybe this post will show others about proper etiquette when dealing with the death of a child.

I had someone tag me on Facebook about finding a dog almost dead on the side of the road and trying to save it. She wrote that all she could think of was me and what happened with my daughter who was left dead on the side of a highway after she was murdered by a hit and run driver. I know she meant well. I actually answered that I was glad the dog had someone to hold it while it died..because I was. In actuality, I should have said ” please take me out of this post as I can’t handle the image you just sent to me that I pictured as my daughter instead of the poor dog”. She wrote of blood coming out of the dog’s mouth, and of it taking its last breath. All I could think of was my daughter and what she must have looked like laying there on the side of the road when she was hit. Was she still alive? Did she suffer? The questions that I have worked 6 years to overcome, and in one moment this ignorant post brought them back. It was horrible to envision, especially at 6 am in the morning when I first awoke.

It doesn’t matter if it was just last week or 6 years later, parents of a deceased child are not any better than they were when they first heard the news that their child is dead, they have just learned to live with their grief. Some such as me have made positive changes in their lives, while others struggle daily to just get up in the morning and go on with life. We parents of a deceased child know about letting go of certainty, and a willingness to embrace life as it is. That is what happens when you finally are starting to adjust to the death of your child. The biggest obstacle to overcome is your mind, and it is important when you respond to others you use control as your response is your power.

So, let us explore my reaction to this awful but totally well-meaning post. I handled everything wrong. I should have written a nice message to her to take it down, as it was very upsetting to me. But, I didn’t. I answered the post honestly about how hard it is for me to still live with the murderer of my daughter free on probation, but I was happy she was able to be there to comfort the dog. A few more comments and it was over. I know she did not know how severely she had affected me. People are oblivious about the way grief can paralyze a person. I went on with my day but was very sad. My companion kept asking me “what is wrong Michele?” I couldn’t really put it into words as I knew I should have shut down the post immediately…then I kept getting notifications from others commenting and I went to stop the notifications and the post was gone. I was relieved and wrote my friend that I knew she meant well and I felt happy that she had thought of Misha. I didn’t say anything unkind, nor confrontational because I am not that way. But then, I am tagged again with the same post. She took it down and put it back up. That made me angry. I try to embrace a way of living that is not argumentative but it vexed me when it went up again. I had felt incredible pain answering the first post and now I had to answer again? Once more I will accept the blame as I should have ignored this second post. This pressure of social media is truly intense at times, especially when my name is mentioned and I am the reason for the post. So I commented that I had said something earlier and that I was very pleased with my life in Colombia with hummingbirds, butterflies and nature. That I felt her with me and I had gone on to create Villa Migelita in her name  and put my website along with my answer.

This is when it got ugly. Not in a horrible way, but let’s be honest, it was not nice, because I show that I have gone on to create a life my daughter would be proud of…which I also said…and I got a response from someone who was just being mean. Seriously, shouldn’t this person have written, “good for you to have created this dream in your daughter’s memory?” Instead I’m reprimanded for putting my website on the post!  If it was inappropriate to put my website there ‘oh well’ ! The post was about my daughter who was left dead like the dog at the side of the road and I was showing people I have moved forward! When it comes to social drama, letting go of other people’s rude remarks is the best step forward.  Most haters don’t really hate you; they just hate where they are in life, and you’re a reflection of what they wish to become.

My heart is bruised from yesterday, and is still bruised today. I have a good life now. I have maids, they see me crying. They become upset. They come to me to ask what is wrong and I tell them the truth; that I was reminded of a picture I saw in the newspaper the very morning after I found out about Misha’s death because of someone who is my friend. She was lying on the side of the road covered by a black bag, but I knew it was my daughter. I don’t want to picture her that way. I want to see her like the cover photo on this blog. I know I will continue to heal until I die. Life is always changing, when something ends or leaves something new happens. I know my sad crying jag will soon be gone, but I won’t get over it quickly. It is just not possible when it is my child I am talking about, and she is dead.



Posted in Uncategorized

Thank you!

In my last blog I wrote about the last-minute cancellation of the trial of my daughter’s killer in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Once again the defense was granted another continuation by the Judge Trudy White. I asked everyone to write her to make sure the next trial is set and she allows no more continuations in this matter. You can read about how the prosecution allowed this to happen and notified me after I had booked an airline ticket, reserved a car and hotel room in my last blog

.I am sure Honorable Judge Trudy White received many letters from you my followers and I am writing this blog to thank you.

I thank all my over 500 followers on Facebook, Twitter, personal emails, and Google plus. If you want to add me to your circle at Google plus I would love to see you there! I am humbled by the amount of people who are taking part in my quest for #justiceformisha. She was taken to soon in life and the reality is that the deceased has no say in our legal system in the United States, but the defendant if powerful enough with a good lawyer can keep their client from facing a trial for many years. This strategy works if continued long enough because people forget, lose interest, go on with their lives, while the family of the deceased suffers from their loss and the injustice of the legal system that allows the defendant to work the system. I am only one person of millions with this problem. However, I refuse to let this defense team win this battle. I told the Victim’s Advocate when notified of the cancellation once again “this is war now” because they apparently are not concerned enough to fight for my daughter’s right to a trial, as the defense continues their manipulations.

I have a favor to ask all of you. A dear young woman who I barely know, but wanted to help myself and Misha, started a petition. This petition is here. I would like it to go viral with so many signatures to the Senator and Representative of Louisiana that no one will dare cancel The State Vs Christian Cvitanovich again. This petition will take you 30 seconds to sign and will not bring spam or any virus to your computer. We are lucky enough to live in a time where social media can change injustice. I am using this power to get the trial for my daughter. I was able to find out the next trial is on September 2, 2014. Please help me make sure it is not continued for a fifth time.

May God Bless all of you who are helping me get justice and a trial for my beloved daughter Mikel (Misha) Carson by writing letters and signing this petition. We the people should never have to go through what I am going through. Please speak out for me and for my daughter who no longer can speak for herself and was robbed of her life too early at the young age of twenty years old.

If you have not already, you can follow along with my life at Villa Migelita and what I have done since the death of my daughter. I am living in Colombia, South America in the mountains and starting a Bed and Breakfast this summer. The hummingbirds, flowers, butterflies and mountain views help with my sadness. This blog helps me get my thoughts down on paper and is a healing process for me. I appreciate all of you who read my blog regularly, and once again I am humbled by the people who I only know through the power of the Internet that are taking this cause into their heart and using actions to affect change. Michele~