Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, child death, Colombia, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, love, Signs of the Universe, Spiritual Presence, strength, Uncategorized, Waiting

The Surprises in Life

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/astonish/

This blog is a follow-up to my blog about finding love when I least expected it, I was astonished by all the outpouring of support that was sent my way when I wrote about  the surprise of meeting someone special. So take a moment and read this blog first before you continue on.

Life is like a river, it flows one way and then it sometimes changes directions. I compare my life to a river often. I believe I have lived two lives in this lifetime. One was as a mother to my children, and the next life started when I decided to move to Colombia after Misha was murdered. It was not an easy decision and I carry a lot of guilt for leaving, but I have found that you cannot control destiny. Everyone has free will, even our children.  I have not stopped thinking about my past life, I really wouldn’t want those memories to be gone. Cherished memories. So I accept I have had two separate lives. Both have had wonderful times, and terrible times. We do have many chances in life, even if those chances cause pain to us in other ways. My choice to move has been wonderful for healing, but whenever I go to the United States the past rears its head. Always so dramatically. I left that, I don’t want the drama, I don’t want the pressure of trying to be the best at whatever it is anyone is trying to be the best at, I don’t want that life anymore. So I need to write about how strange I felt this last time I visited the United States after two years.

The night I met Avi was special because of things I have found out since this fateful encounter. First of all, and I mention it in the blog you need to read first, I asked him to dance. I say this because apparently it is still not a common occurrence for a woman to ask a man to dance. I have been told this by Avi and by my friends also. This shows you I live differently in the jungle of Colombia. We dance here when we have parties at our homes. I ask anyone to dance and this includes my women friends. We just dance. It is that simple. So, what do I mean by this? Avi found it delightful that I approached him and said do you want to dance? I was so amazed by that, which will show that I have become more innocent since living in Colombia. I don’t think nor know about any of the things that could be socially inept. I just live. I have deliberately isolated myself, and with that comes social incompetence. But I do have a lovely and simple existence. I am successful to a degree with my hotel Villa Migelita Ecolodge, and I am very happy to be alone with just me. I might be writing my book, or I might be photographing the nature I am so accustomed to, or I might be studying the Spanish I am still struggling with. I think many people would not like my uncomplicated life, but for me it is perfect. I like being alone. I like my own company, and I love nature and my animals. A perfect combination for me.

Let me say a bit about Avi , he is a person of great integrity. He knows what he wants in a woman and has been looking for someone for a while. I can’t say the same about me. I am flawed, and imperfect to a great degree. I have not been looking for anyone. I changed when my daughter was murdered. I just don’t care what anyone thinks, says or wants from me. I am truly and completely direct with everyone. So this probably makes me a bit unusual. Avi says it is a great thing, I am not so sure. I will say this relationship has gotten better with distance and the wonderful world of being able to talk and see each other through social media. I am way too uninhibited in my thoughts, but to someone like Avi this is a good thing. He finds it refreshing, unusual and to use a word my mother always called me : unique. I am that for sure.

That night Avi and I met we danced and I found out the next day the earring I wore of Misha’s that I had in my second ear-piercing was gone. I was devastated. I had already lost one earring from when she had passed that I took from her body before she was cremated. This earring her best friend gave me without knowing I had been wearing another earring and had lost it. I remember her saying I only have one when she handed it to me. When I woke up and I realized the earring was gone and there would not be another earring to replace it, I was sad. Here is a video of my television interview in Baton Rouge when I was trying to get a trial for my deceased daughter. You can clearly see the earring that I lost the night I met Avi, Gabrielle had given it to me the night before my interview. That morning when I left the cruise ship I felt I left a part of Misha behind at sea.

Now as time has passed and Avi is coming to see me this week, I am beginning to think there was a reason for the loss of the earring. Maybe it is time for me to move on with my life. Maybe I have a future, because I haven’t really looked at my life as having one. I have just lived one day, one step, one moment at a time. The loss of this second earring; maybe it is a message to me from Misha to allow myself to love again, to let go of her, to begin fresh.

Avi has his work cut out with me. I am surely different which he discovered the first night we met. I am also an innocent in this world now. I didn’t turn hard from the lack of justice, I turned inward. I often feel that I can never trust anything again. This man killed my daughter, yet the judge gave him the correct sentence and then she suspended it. She even acknowledged the thousands of letters she received to give him jail time. She didn’t. I felt so betrayed. I withdrew into myself even more.

I had not had a real date with a man in a long time, so when I had lunch with Avi I was nervous and socially awkward. I then had dinner with him later that evening after I missed my flight back to Colombia and I felt like an alien from outer space. I looked around and every person had their phones out and no one was interacting with each other. I don’t do that here in Colombia. I use it for communication, and some of my social media work sites. I remember looking around at a lot of noise and lights, and feeling very uncomfortable. I can’t imagine that I even kept up a normal conversation with Avi. But now since I have returned  to Colombia we have such profound discussions, and I am slowly learning to trust him.

I have made it clear to Avi I am difficult to understand, I sometimes appear cold, unreachable. That I like being alone. I don’t need to have anyone entertain me, nor do I need to be out and in crowds. I am never unkind purposely, but I am distant sometimes. It is who I am now. He accepts this about me, in fact he loves this about me. My directness.

He will be here for Mother’s Day, a day I really find so distressing. He says we shall go out and celebrate you as a mother, you are a mother and deserve to be admired as one. I hope I can enjoy the day with him. He is certainly kind and thoughtful, and I believe he truly loves me, even with my baggage.

Stay tuned, the future is in front of me, but as usual I live my life one day at a time. Some days are not so great, while others are beautiful and full of hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in hummingbirds, Uncategorized

May Peace be with You

I’m sitting on this Sunday after exercising and doing my Yoga and all I can hear is the sounds of my hummingbird’s attacking each other. They are posed for fight, tails spread. Their sounds of hitting each other while their wings rapidly flutter is  a constant whir in my consciousness. They are relentless. I’m just relaxing and trying to read, but I cannot because I’m endlessly fascinated by their behavior. They never let up. They are little gangs of brutality and beauty.Looking up 008

I have hummingbirds year round. The many species I have interact and accept each other as best they can. I’m an impartial observer. That is why I find them so interesting. Sometimes they drink from my feeders without much fighting, but today that is not the case. They all are militant like fighter jets bombing the enemy. My presence so near is not even acknowledged. They are going for the feeders like it is their last meal.

As I am distracted by them, I have a lot of thoughts running through my brain. They actually remind me of how people are responding to this presidential campaign going on now in the United States. They are ready to kill for the nectar, just as people are ready to give up friends and family for their beliefs about this election.

Maybe I have mellowed in my life since I’ve moved to Paradise, but one thing I have learned is you are not going to change anyone to your way of thinking. Just like my hummers. They are not going to stop fighting for their time at the feeders, taking that precious sip of nectar. Let it go. Vote your choice and be done with it. Hopefully, the world will survive just like my very aggressive hummingbirds and we will find something else to be scandalized about.

Me, well I’m aggrieved that there is no true fairness in this world. Some people win and some people lose. I lost in my quest to get the murderer of my daughter in jail. It breaks my heart, and there are many just like me who have not seen justice. We go on. Just like those hummingbirds who fight every single day for the chance to drink the nectar. Let your life become about good things, peaceful things, happiness. Stop trying to make everyone see it your way. It’s not important. What is important is being a good human.

Sometimes my hummingbirds are peaceful with each other, they sit nicely while they all feed together. Let us try to be that way with our lives. They often sit peacefully together drinking nectar and flying off to rest on a branch.  My home is a place of peace where the hummingbirds entertain and amuse all who visit.  I’m certain they are not worried about the other species, sizes, sex , or colors of those they battle with to get the feeders to themselves. Maybe, just maybe, us humans should look to nature more often. The fighting seems to be a bit more fair. No prejudice involved, just wanting to have a place to feed. That is why I have so many feeders: I give them all an even chance. What they do with that chance is a decision they make. What happens in this world is kind of like the hummingbirds, it is all out of our control even when we want so much to have the control. Just do your part and vote. Then let it go. Don’t lose friends over this. It is not worth it.Looking up 031

I’ve come to the conclusion we all think differently. We have brains that look at the exact same message and process it in completely different ways. If we only associate with those who think exactly like us, what do we learn? I’m all for freedom of speech, but I remember my mother and father always saying to me “politics and religion are not to be discussed with others ” and I have to agree. It is just not worth it. When I was younger I didn’t know what any of my friends believed. Because we were just having fun and liked each other for the people we were.

I’m certain we can choose to do this again. With social media it is difficult: but you can stop the hate by posting good things, happy things on the Internet. If you are offended bite your tongue, let it go. Let peace become your way of life, not hate. Hate never wins, even when you are seeing so much of it. Just let it go. Let peace be with you.