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The Real Side of Grief


I have thought a lot about my daughter lately. It will be 5 years in January since she died. I think about how time just goes by; and I think about what she would be doing if she was still here on this Earth. I think about the sentencing of the killer next week. I think about how hard I have worked to bring justice for the death of my daughter. I think about the corruption in Louisiana and if all the letters sent will actually help. I worry that some back door deal has taken place between the prosecution and the defense. I worry about the prosecutor and victims advocate who have never really been on board with me ever since they realized how hard I was working to get a trial for my daughter who is the victim. I think about how messed up the laws are in the USA that the defendant has more rights than the victim. If a petition had not been sent to the senator of Louisiana I still would be fighting to get a trial. That petition (in my opinion) most likely influenced the monster who killed my daughter and left her on the side of the road,46319_10201682425288406_520618800_n made him realize I was never going to let him live his life without facing punishment for killing another person. He pled ‘no contest’ to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He has still not shown remorse nor acknowledged his guilt in my daughter’s death. I think of the toll this fight has taken on my health. I have had so many health problems since the murder. Nothing life threatening; just chronic problems that interrupt my life. I really am not a complainer and have lived with these problems and continued my life and my pursuit of justice no matter what. I have done what was necessary to bring this subhuman to a place where he is now to be sentenced. Still I worry; that worry caused me to get shingles. Shingles is keeping me away from the sentencing. I have decided that I can not travel 15 hours by airplane to make my statement to the court. Anyone who has had shingles knows the pain and danger that they bring. After much contemplation, along with seeing doctor’s about their thoughts, and many stories from kind people who follow my page Villa Migelita on Facebook I came to the only real decision there was to make. I can not go. Some might not agree, and I understand that, but it would put me in danger for more bad consequences to my health, and to others around me.

Now that I made my decision, I am a bit more at peace. I am continuing to work on getting this man sentenced to the maximum penalty through the internet, which has done well for me thus far. I wonder though has the judge made up her mind already? Has he bought his freedom? It is really strange how the victims advocate is responding to my simple requests. Actually, she has only responded a couple of times and that is to do what she always does; discourage me from what I am doing. When I sent her the sentence guidelines for what the murderer should get, she wrote me back that is not a guarantee. When I sent her the statute about how the DA can put in a motion for my video statement she wrote back she would pass it along but could not guarantee this. When I told her I wrote the judge that I could not attend due to my health problems, she wrote back I should not have written the judge. Imagine that! The person who is to be advocating for me is actually discouraging me! She actually is saying I should not exercise my right to free speech, she is discouraging me from advocating for my daughter! This is what I have been up against for almost five years now. It really does make me worry, and this is why I have shingles. I believe all my efforts might be for nothing because I think they have some sort of deal that has been in place since he pled ‘no contest’ and nothing I do will change that. So I am writing it down. I think all who read my blog and follow my page need to know what I suspect. I also want to include my Impact statement which will be to be read in court. I hope it is. Oh, and she also said to me perhaps the video will be given to the judge to view outside of the courtroom and not at sentencing. Why not at the sentencing? It is all so fishy, it is all so wrong. What is the big deal of showing a short video so that the murderer can hear my voice? The voice of her mother?

Here is my written Victim Impact statement, I tried to keep it brief so the court could not say it was too long:
“I received a call from my soon to be ex-husband around 11:30 PM the night of her murder. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson stopped to help a person she saw hit by a car. Then the defendant Christian Cvitanvich hit that car, and my daughter’s body was thrown and allegedly killed instantly. How, though, will we ever know if she actually died immediately? If the defendant had stopped and tried to help, if he had called 911 immediately, if he had done the right thing, we would have answers to these questions. When asked how I am affected, these questions come repeatedly to my mind. Did she suffer as she lay on the side of the road until the sun came up and someone called in her body? It is a torment I wish on no one. I struggle every single day with questions about that night. I struggle with the fact it took 12 hours to discover who she was and that she lay in a morgue unidentified while her baby daughter was calling for her at home. I struggle with the fact that my son has never been the same since her death and has left his once promising life of a good education to now barely getting a GED. I struggle with the anger that surrounded me after her death: the anger of my son, the anger of my ex-husband and all my daughter’s friends, the anger of the father of her daughter. I struggle with what would have been a promising life for her, taken from her in a moment. A moment when she chose to help someone. Think about that. My daughter Mikel was helping someone. She was killed while doing a good deed. Now I have moved to get away from all the horrible consequences that have resulted from that night when she was left abandoned and alone on the side of Highway I-10. As the reality of her death unfolded, I saw people I had known for many years change. They became angry, they did things they would not normally do, they took their anger out in ways that were not healthy and were destructive. My son to this day is not living the life I had hoped for him to live, nor has he agreed to counseling. My ex-husband got re-married and is now divorcing again. The father of my granddaughter is in jail, leaving my granddaughter without either parent. Me, I am rebuilding my life and living for her and what she would have experienced if she had not been taken so suddenly on that fateful night. There is not a moment I do not think of her since she was murdered. Everything I do, I do with the intent of giving my granddaughter Amaya a better life as she grows up. I worry for my granddaughter: I worry that I am the only one who tells her about her Mommy and how she grew up. I worry that Amaya will become angry as she grows older because she is without either parent now, and she has no real memories of her mother except those I give her through photos and memories. I have had counseling for her death, but still my health has suffered. I have had to wear a retainer for a year to re-adjust my jaw after grinding my teeth so badly at night while I slept. I have never had a good nights sleep since learning of her murder. I have had continuous health problems: recurring urinary tract infections, vertigo brought on by a virus that attacked my inner ear, and now that same virus attacking my body by way of shingles which has made it impossible for me to travel to this sentencing, a virus known to be only brought on by extreme stress. I believe that this stress of trying to bring justice for my daughter and her death has caused these problems. I am devastated that I can not be there in person to say this while looking at Christian Cvitanvich, who has never shown remorse for taking my daughter from so many that loved her. I want him to know her daughter will turn 7 in January and he left her motherless. Her brother will be 20, the age of Mikel when she died, and is suffering inside so much that he can not live a normal life, nor has he moved on like others would his age. Cvitanvich has left many saddened friends and relatives who still can make no sense of the needless death of a young mother who was only 20 but going to school to better herself, while also working, for her beloved daughter Amaya. I ask the court to give the maximum sentence under the guidelines described for this crime. He needs to have punishment for the crime of killing an innocent young mother who had stopped to help another human being. Why did he not do the same when he hit Mikel? Ask yourself that? He was most likely drunk. The selfishness about his future took priority over helping another human being. I wish my daughter had been selfish that night and not stopped, as she would still be alive. I wish that with all my heart. I will never be free of the terrible anxiety I get when I think “if only” she kept driving home to her precious daughter.”

The above statement is the real side of grief. Grief is not something that can get better with time, grief is with a person always. It stays, it lingers, it does not change. The only thing that changes is the person who experiences the grief. They have to make choices. They need to decide if they will grow stronger using the sadness inside of them to help others in the same situation, or if they will keep it inside and hide the sadness. They need to decide if they will fight to live a normal life, or grow depressed and withdraw from life. They need to work every single day to stay healthy and to have some sort of happiness, a happiness that is stripped from them by death. I have chosen to move forward. I am not always successful, but I am trying. This is the real side of grief.

There is still time for those who have not done so to fax a letter to the Honorable Judge Trudy White. Please be respectful and ask for the sentence to be the maximum under the guidelines. Every letter makes a difference and she has to consider them. This is the fax number: 225 389 4737.

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Author:

I am an American who moved to Colombia to find peace after the devastating loss of my daughter. I bought and renovated a Villa, am learning Spanish, and writing as catharsis. This blog will be like my book with chapters. Each blog will be about my life and adventures. I hope you will enjoy the many new discoveries I am making every day about myself and another culture.

18 thoughts on “The Real Side of Grief

  1. This blog has left a lump in my throat and I can relate to your grief, as I too lost a daughter many years ago but not as tragic as Mikels senseless killing. I do hope the sentence brought down will be the harshest for this crime. No matter the result, I hope your beautiful, explicit victim statement has lasting, haunting consequences on this ” Animals” conscience. God bless you through these final days of your ordeal and peace will once again fill your heart and soul.

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    1. Losing a child no matter how is tragic and is probably still a great source of pain for you Fred. I am feeling a sense of peace now. I have done everything I can to get him in jail and hopefully he will have many years to think about the crime he committed.

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  2. Worry no more Michele. Justice will be served. Life has a way of getting justice done, whether it’s the kind we want and recognize or not. Life will hit this murdering asshole where he hurts most. Same with corrupt judges, lawyers and politicians. Trust the Universe and let go of grief. Be happy and realize Misha is now in a much better place than even we are. I love you and send you a huge abrazo my friend.

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  3. I understand your worry and your anger. You made a very good decision on not going to sentencing. The system is very corrupt but you already know that. The fact that you worry about all those things, do you think that makes any difference on the lives of anyone involved? Does it help anything or anyone? Is it going to change the outcome? there is no power in that only a waste of energy. In the physical level we are limited and we are all victims of corrupted people and corrupted systems. To win something you must play their game. I tell you right now that for sure that person will get a sentence for the only fact that hit and run is a crime in itself and if another being leaves this life as a result from that, you bet it will be sentenced. There is no guarantee that he might get the max because usually it doesn’t go that way and you must accept this. I know it doesn’t feel enough to you comparing to losing your daughter but trust me, his entire life is already ruined. For the rest of his life here will walk with a dark shadow following him around and never will be able to have a decent job with that record.

    If you ever want to be able to heal from this you must find acceptance and forgiveness. Why do you think is the reason a person would run away from an accident? What is the first answer that comes into your head? malicious murderer? cold hearted person that don’t have any regards for human life? Are you sure? believe it or not, none of them, the answer is TERROR and FEAR. Is just that some people have the guts to face it and for others is to much and yes it does look like they do not care but it is not that way, their FEAR is more and controls their mind and heart. When one is going under a terrifying situation, most people cannot even think straight because their state of mind is altered. I am not trying to excuse the person that did this to your daugher. YES! it is wrong. I am just trying to make you see the other side because we tend to cloud our minds due to pain and imagine something that is not there, in this way hurting only ourselves more. Also that guy at all times is been told by his lawyer how to act in court and lawyers always tell you to not show any expressions at all that anyone can read.

    Perhaps you should request a private session with that guy and talk to him. Ask him questions and see for yourself what is going on inside him?

    About your daughter, I cannot even imagine what is like what you are going through, I do not how that feels, I can only imagine but that doesn’t come even close to the real thing. But I do know of something I have experienced myself. I have being fortunate enough to have had unusual experiences throughout my life. With people that once lived here and then passed, my father being one of them. I have been exposed and shown beyond any doubt that DEATH doesn’t exist. That we aren’t humans but souls that come here as a choice and enter a body in order to be able to have a human experience in this realm. So even our bodies aren’t our own, it is not who we are, our essence. And that before we come here , we make a contract. A contract of who are parents will be, what kind of life we will have etc. all the way to how we will exit this realm to learn through experiences for the growth of our soul. The place that we go after here is always a higher one, but before going to where you supposed to go, first there is time of transition where you have to go through some pain in order to redeem whatever you did here.

    The next place you go is another place like here but better. There isn’t pain there. Our loved ones are able to see us and feel us and if you think of them they can perceive it also. But they are very much alive. Their awareness is so much higher and advanced in their understanding of all this we call life that they dont go through pain when they see us in pain here. They understand how things work and why. It is impossible for us to understand it in this level. But i assure you this is true. For every level we go in order to pass we must go a certain kind of what we call here death. But actually it is not a death it is just going from one dream to the next. That is why we are with our eyes closed when we are born and when we leave. It is just the way to enter through from one world to another. And it is quick. Also we never go alone. There is always one angel that comes and cuts an umbilical cord that connects our physical body with our esoteric or spirit body and it comes along with other family members of ours to help us with the transition. There is no pain involved.

    The ones that stay here are the ones that feel pain, but our pain is in vain. For the next world where your daughter is, is closer than you can imagine. Yes we miss them but they are still there. We suffer due to our ignorance. You must find acceptance and forgiveness and only when you do this is that your suffering will stop.

    Stop worrying so much about everyone. Each one of you has to deal with this reality your own way. We are by instinct survivors. You will survive this and time is a healer. If you help yourself then you can help your family.

    wish you healing and peace
    Cecilia

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  4. Cecilia, I do agree with a lot of what you have written. I know my daughter contacts me with signs often. Mostly hummingbirds. I read a lot of books like what you talk about here in your comment. As for the murderer. Well, he had a DUI 9 months before he killed my daughter. He was most likely drunk. He had fear of being caught and put in jail. Hopefully he will spend a lot of years thinking about what he did. I have no desire to talk to him, he killed my daughter and left her on the side of the road, and then 10 minutes down the road he stopped and changed his tire and took his bumper off. He then tried to hide his crime by taking his car far away to be fixed. He has done nothing to show remorse.

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    1. MICHELE, THE MESSAGE YOU REC’D FROM CECILIA IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID NOT NEED! SHAME ON HER FOR THOSE SUGGESTIONS, THE LECTURE AND HER RELIGIOUS PREACHING! WE LOST A SON AT THE HANDS OF A PEER, A SENSELESS ACT THAT LEFT OUR SON DEAD, SO WE HAVE SOME IDEA OF THE FEELINGS YOU WENT AND CONTINUALLY GO THRU. KEEP THE FAITH AND STAY STRONG EVEN THOUGH YOUR BODY IS TIRED AND BEING AFFECTED WITH SHINGLES. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SO NICE AND EXPLANATORY TO CLODS THAT WRITE SUCH NONSENSE. LEARN TO BE ASSERTIVE, YOU WERE TOO NICE!

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  5. My daughter was killed hit and run in LA ASCENTION PARISH…the woman got 18 months probation her family had money . Her lawyer had been a judge before . Prepare yourself it’s the good ole boys club it’s corrupt … This woman Also 6 months later got A DUI 3x the legal limit .
    1st. DUI is NOT a felony in LA so agAin she walked away did I mention she was driving the same car she killed my 21yr old daughter with still all the dAmage to it..LA is a drinking state it’s hard to get the justice system to be fair.. My daughter was killed 12/20/10 at 948pm her name or Crisy/cristine Hadley read her story it mAy help…I’ve never found peace I hurt every second of everyday so about the only thing I can say is God be with you. Feel free to contact me if I cAn help in some way

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    1. Dear Monica, I will read her story. I am so very sorry. I am appalled and outraged. I am so worried that this will happen with my daughter. This guy Cvitanovich had a DUI 9 months before he killed my daughter and according to the guidelines he MUST serve time in prison. However, when I wrote that to the Victim’s advocate she wrote back the judges can do what they want. What kind of system allows murderers to walk free. I am preparing myself because they are saying my Victim’s statement is not right, that I have to re-do a video, they are making all kinds of rules for me….but it seems the defendant has none. It is like he is the one they are defending. It makes me sick. I will let you know of the outcome. I have asked everyone to write the judge…she must have thousand’s of letters. If she lets him off I will go so public with it and I will not stop until the laws change in that corrupt state.

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    2. Monica I read about your daughter, OMG I am sure that they are so corrupt in Louisiana now. I am really scared about what the murderer of my daughter will get as apparently ‘no contest’ means something different in Louisiana. I hope all the letters that will be sent if the judge does not sentence according to statues will be so unbelievable she will not get re-elected. I will make it my personal mission to keep her off the bench
      s

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  6. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter,I live in Ascension loss my daughter 20yrs ago still no justice in her case, Its all about who you know in Louisiana, My family will be praying for your family keepyour Faith don’t every let him take that from you! My daughters name was Brittney Deville you can read about her case!

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    1. I am searching for a lawyer right now to file an appeal and also get the judge who gave the murderer of my daughter nothing yesterday. I believe that I can do it. I am sosssssssoooo sorry about Brittney. What is wrong with this State? I am also going to try to get a Victims Rights lawyer and get others in the State to sign on with me for a lawsuit. I believe we have a class action suit here. I am the one that can get this done…let me know if you are interested? Michele

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      1. We have called alot of Lawyers NO ONE WILL HELP US! And as far as Victims Rights we have None!! The DA should be able to file an appeal!! My heart hurts for you. The killer in our case has now lost his job and they are allowing him to go out everyday an seek employment So much for HOUSE ARREST!

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      2. I am starting today with this: Check out some of the sentences that the judge on my case gave people. I will be back with all of you to sign onboard for a class action against the corrupt DA office and this judge and the fact that not one person is doing anything about this illegal activity in the court: http://theadvocate.com/news/7813059-123/ebr-judge-defends-sentence-criticized

        http://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/p/53611062/if-you-kill-someone-in-a-hit-and-run-and-try-to-get-car-repaired-claiming-u-hit/

        Includes:

        “Lets make sure we are up to date on Judge Trudy White’s scorecard:

        1. Kelsye Hall – 5 counts of negligent homicide – Sentenced to 2 years! (thats about 5 months per homicide) by Judge Trudy White
        2. Dalvin Sewell (Lengthy violent criminal history including arrest for 2nd degree murder) – Convicted of 1st Degree Robbery which carries up to 40 years – Sentenced to the minimum 3 years by Judge Trudy White.
        3. Princess Beachem – Did cocaine while carrying a child, who died as a result – Arrested for Feticide – Charge dropped by Judge Trudy White.
        and lets not forget:
        4. Aramis Jackson – Arrested in 2009 for a weapons charge – Charge dropped by Judge Trudy White. White told Jackson to perform acts of kindness. His first act of kindness was killing Alexandra Engler and shooting her 9 year old daughter several times before stealing their TV.”

        https://cases.justia.com/louisiana/first-circuit-court-of-appeal/2010ka2092-1.pdf?ts=1387486121

        Judge White sentencing error: “illegally lenient sentence”

        http://www.katc.com/news/woman-freed-after-judge-rejects-feticide-charge/

        http://www.katc.com/news/woman-gets-two-years-for-wreck-that-killed-five/

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