I have thought a lot about my daughter lately. It will be 5 years in January since she died. I think about how time just goes by; and I think about what she would be doing if she was still here on this Earth. I think about the sentencing of the killer next week. I think about how hard I have worked to bring justice for the death of my daughter. I think about the corruption in Louisiana and if all the letters sent will actually help. I worry that some back door deal has taken place between the prosecution and the defense. I worry about the prosecutor and victims advocate who have never really been on board with me ever since they realized how hard I was working to get a trial for my daughter who is the victim. I think about how messed up the laws are in the USA that the defendant has more rights than the victim. If a petition had not been sent to the senator of Louisiana I still would be fighting to get a trial. That petition (in my opinion) most likely influenced the monster who killed my daughter and left her on the side of the road, made him realize I was never going to let him live his life without facing punishment for killing another person. He pled ‘no contest’ to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He has still not shown remorse nor acknowledged his guilt in my daughter’s death. I think of the toll this fight has taken on my health. I have had so many health problems since the murder. Nothing life threatening; just chronic problems that interrupt my life. I really am not a complainer and have lived with these problems and continued my life and my pursuit of justice no matter what. I have done what was necessary to bring this subhuman to a place where he is now to be sentenced. Still I worry; that worry caused me to get shingles. Shingles is keeping me away from the sentencing. I have decided that I can not travel 15 hours by airplane to make my statement to the court. Anyone who has had shingles knows the pain and danger that they bring. After much contemplation, along with seeing doctor’s about their thoughts, and many stories from kind people who follow my page Villa Migelita on Facebook I came to the only real decision there was to make. I can not go. Some might not agree, and I understand that, but it would put me in danger for more bad consequences to my health, and to others around me.
Now that I made my decision, I am a bit more at peace. I am continuing to work on getting this man sentenced to the maximum penalty through the internet, which has done well for me thus far. I wonder though has the judge made up her mind already? Has he bought his freedom? It is really strange how the victims advocate is responding to my simple requests. Actually, she has only responded a couple of times and that is to do what she always does; discourage me from what I am doing. When I sent her the sentence guidelines for what the murderer should get, she wrote me back that is not a guarantee. When I sent her the statute about how the DA can put in a motion for my video statement she wrote back she would pass it along but could not guarantee this. When I told her I wrote the judge that I could not attend due to my health problems, she wrote back I should not have written the judge. Imagine that! The person who is to be advocating for me is actually discouraging me! She actually is saying I should not exercise my right to free speech, she is discouraging me from advocating for my daughter! This is what I have been up against for almost five years now. It really does make me worry, and this is why I have shingles. I believe all my efforts might be for nothing because I think they have some sort of deal that has been in place since he pled ‘no contest’ and nothing I do will change that. So I am writing it down. I think all who read my blog and follow my page need to know what I suspect. I also want to include my Impact statement which will be to be read in court. I hope it is. Oh, and she also said to me perhaps the video will be given to the judge to view outside of the courtroom and not at sentencing. Why not at the sentencing? It is all so fishy, it is all so wrong. What is the big deal of showing a short video so that the murderer can hear my voice? The voice of her mother?
Here is my written Victim Impact statement, I tried to keep it brief so the court could not say it was too long:
“I received a call from my soon to be ex-husband around 11:30 PM the night of her murder. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson stopped to help a person she saw hit by a car. Then the defendant Christian Cvitanvich hit that car, and my daughter’s body was thrown and allegedly killed instantly. How, though, will we ever know if she actually died immediately? If the defendant had stopped and tried to help, if he had called 911 immediately, if he had done the right thing, we would have answers to these questions. When asked how I am affected, these questions come repeatedly to my mind. Did she suffer as she lay on the side of the road until the sun came up and someone called in her body? It is a torment I wish on no one. I struggle every single day with questions about that night. I struggle with the fact it took 12 hours to discover who she was and that she lay in a morgue unidentified while her baby daughter was calling for her at home. I struggle with the fact that my son has never been the same since her death and has left his once promising life of a good education to now barely getting a GED. I struggle with the anger that surrounded me after her death: the anger of my son, the anger of my ex-husband and all my daughter’s friends, the anger of the father of her daughter. I struggle with what would have been a promising life for her, taken from her in a moment. A moment when she chose to help someone. Think about that. My daughter Mikel was helping someone. She was killed while doing a good deed. Now I have moved to get away from all the horrible consequences that have resulted from that night when she was left abandoned and alone on the side of Highway I-10. As the reality of her death unfolded, I saw people I had known for many years change. They became angry, they did things they would not normally do, they took their anger out in ways that were not healthy and were destructive. My son to this day is not living the life I had hoped for him to live, nor has he agreed to counseling. My ex-husband got re-married and is now divorcing again. The father of my granddaughter is in jail, leaving my granddaughter without either parent. Me, I am rebuilding my life and living for her and what she would have experienced if she had not been taken so suddenly on that fateful night. There is not a moment I do not think of her since she was murdered. Everything I do, I do with the intent of giving my granddaughter Amaya a better life as she grows up. I worry for my granddaughter: I worry that I am the only one who tells her about her Mommy and how she grew up. I worry that Amaya will become angry as she grows older because she is without either parent now, and she has no real memories of her mother except those I give her through photos and memories. I have had counseling for her death, but still my health has suffered. I have had to wear a retainer for a year to re-adjust my jaw after grinding my teeth so badly at night while I slept. I have never had a good nights sleep since learning of her murder. I have had continuous health problems: recurring urinary tract infections, vertigo brought on by a virus that attacked my inner ear, and now that same virus attacking my body by way of shingles which has made it impossible for me to travel to this sentencing, a virus known to be only brought on by extreme stress. I believe that this stress of trying to bring justice for my daughter and her death has caused these problems. I am devastated that I can not be there in person to say this while looking at Christian Cvitanvich, who has never shown remorse for taking my daughter from so many that loved her. I want him to know her daughter will turn 7 in January and he left her motherless. Her brother will be 20, the age of Mikel when she died, and is suffering inside so much that he can not live a normal life, nor has he moved on like others would his age. Cvitanvich has left many saddened friends and relatives who still can make no sense of the needless death of a young mother who was only 20 but going to school to better herself, while also working, for her beloved daughter Amaya. I ask the court to give the maximum sentence under the guidelines described for this crime. He needs to have punishment for the crime of killing an innocent young mother who had stopped to help another human being. Why did he not do the same when he hit Mikel? Ask yourself that? He was most likely drunk. The selfishness about his future took priority over helping another human being. I wish my daughter had been selfish that night and not stopped, as she would still be alive. I wish that with all my heart. I will never be free of the terrible anxiety I get when I think “if only” she kept driving home to her precious daughter.”
The above statement is the real side of grief. Grief is not something that can get better with time, grief is with a person always. It stays, it lingers, it does not change. The only thing that changes is the person who experiences the grief. They have to make choices. They need to decide if they will grow stronger using the sadness inside of them to help others in the same situation, or if they will keep it inside and hide the sadness. They need to decide if they will fight to live a normal life, or grow depressed and withdraw from life. They need to work every single day to stay healthy and to have some sort of happiness, a happiness that is stripped from them by death. I have chosen to move forward. I am not always successful, but I am trying. This is the real side of grief.
There is still time for those who have not done so to fax a letter to the Honorable Judge Trudy White. Please be respectful and ask for the sentence to be the maximum under the guidelines. Every letter makes a difference and she has to consider them. This is the fax number: 225 389 4737.