Tag: child death

Posted in Achievements, child death, Colombia, glamping, Grief, nature, survivor, Uncategorized

Can it Really be 2024? Let Me Rewind to 2023 as it Went by So Fast!

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have been trying to sit down and write a blog since December about the highlights of the year 2023. I haven’t had the time, as my business has never been so busy as in the past year. It is a blessing and a curse. I have no time to relax and do what I love the most: writing. My business is officially big here in Colombia. I am featured on Google as number one in the Valle del Cauca when you google Glamping or hotels; I never advertise except by my own reels featured on my Instagram, TikTok*, and Facebook* stories. Yet I keep climbing the Google algorithms. I say this with the utmost awe. I never saw this happening when I expanded my business in 2022 and opened my two Glamping cabins.

Many guests return to my place more than once and I have made some close friends. A young couple, Kevin and Katherine, have become my Colombian family. We spent Christmas together. My son had to be in the United States during Christmastime, and spending the holiday with Kath and Kevin was comforting as I missed my son CJ so much. We played games, cooked, relaxed, and relished this special time of year. My friend Vince, a pilot for Copa, returned with his family for a second time. He brought me an Argentinian wine that was super! Another friend, Omer, returned after the New Year and brought his parents from Amsterdam. We started a tournament with the game Rumicube. I do love to play games. Memories of times in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee return to me when I play board games. Colombians are big on playing games, and I have many to choose from at my Glamping place. My best friend in Colombia, Alvaro, came over with his American family and a beautiful gift of hanging solar lights hummingbirds! I have solar twinkling lights all over my property that light up at night. This gift is unique, and I can remember my dear friends every night when I enjoy it. Another lovely guest made a catalog of ten pages about my business. It has all the information necessary for anyone who makes a reservation at my place. I send the link when someone has questions; it saves me so much time! Other guests often share ideas I should have thought of myself and didn’t. I now have little mini bars and snacks in the two cabanas. People can use the beers, soft drinks, and snacks and pay when they check out. You would think I would have known to do this as I spent so much time in hotels as a flight attendant!

Last year, we had a definite change in the climate at my Glamping business here in Colombia. It rained so much in 2022 that we thought we would never see the sun again. The new year brought the sun to us here in the Andes Mountains, so much sun that we forgot we did not have it the year before. We were grateful when it rained! My Avacodo tree made fruit, and flowers bloomed that I didn’t know I had. The distinct temperature change continues into this new year of 2024 and is quite shocking. I even see mangoes grow on my mango trees. The temperature consistently averaged around 74 degrees during the day, and now it averages 80 degrees here. In direct sunlight, it can actually feel hot. Because of this shift in temperature, I made changes around my property. More areas give shade, including a new roof over my big patio area with games, lounge chairs, and a hammock. I am constantly updating my place with improvements. I just finished a new walkway and revised some of my gardens. I organized my laundry area, updated my outdoor kitchen, and added a beautiful firepit that my guests love to grill and cook San Cocho, a favorite Colombian meal. The climate makes no difference to the bookings at my retreat. People love nature, and they love the beautiful sounds of the birds sharing the rustling breeze and the cool temperatures at night. Not to mention the incredible views of the mountains and the Valle del Cauca seen from every angle here.

Now, for the most fantastic news: I am featured in a docuseries by international Award-Winning Author, Filmmaker, and Empowerment Specialist Toneal M. Jackson* called “I Survived it ALL.” I am one of the women who share their story in the Death segment. The premiere date for my part of the docuseries is March 1st. This docuseries will include stories from myself and other women about Death, Discrimination, Depression., Domestic Violence, and Devastation. The premiere date for my part of the docuseries is March 1st. When Toneal contacted me last year and asked me to participate in her documentary, I said yes. I recorded my part in April. I look forward to the premiere and trust Toneal in her artistic ability to tell my story of grief and gratitude. I will say this, it has been a long journey of healing for me. Some days I wake up and embrace my surroundings, other days I wake up and miss what could have been if Misha had not died. It is a forever part of my personality. I hope that by sharing my thoughts in this docuseries I will help others who have lost a child, grandchild, family member, friend suddenly and without warning. It is something I have accepted and live with day to day. I do the best I can to live my best life while honoring the memory of Misha. I know she would love that I have shared my journey on film and a rememberance of her. The title is so apt because anyone who has lost a loved one knows to keep living is to be a survivor. Feel free to share your own experiences with grief in the comments below. I would love to hear how you have overcome the obstacles that you faced.

If you would like to buy a ticket for any of the series the schedule is on the photo below. I can get a ticket for you, and you don’t have to go to Chicago. I will have a private link on YouTube for anyone who wants to see my survival story, or any of the others that are offered. Please contact me here or on any of my social media sites below.

Facebook: @Michele Huffman Carson or Glamping at Villa Migelita Ecolodge, Colombia

TikTok: @villamigelitacristalcasa

Instagram: @villamigelita-cristalhouse

LinkedIn: @Michele Carson

You can follow Toneal on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter.

@MyNameIsToneal

Booking.com awards

Kath and Kevin
Alvaro and family
The docuseries schedule
Posted in Achievements, Cali Colombia, child death, Colombia, Colombian life, Entreprenuer, expat life, friendship, Glampingcolombia, hummingbirds, Live your best life, nature, Uncategorized, Villa Migelita Ecolodge

Thirteen Years Later

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The other day, I was in a taxi chatting with my driver. He asked how long I had been in Colombia. I did the math and was amazed when I answered twelve years. He responded: “You’re a Colombiana!”  A lifetime has passed by in the last thirteen years. Some of those years were not easy for me, but I persevered. I have found my peace after so much time has passed. Stress is not part of my life anymore.  My life revolves around my business and nature. What is better than earning money while living at home? I can wear my yoga clothes, drink wine, and discover new friends who come to enjoy my glamping cabins and lodging. I go to bed at night feeling grateful, although sometimes tired from my increasingly busy glamping business. It is far better to be exhausted from days filled with adventure and nature than to be tired from a long day without purpose. Nature brings out the best in people. Nature also heals the soul. It has been over thirteen years since the death of my daughter, Misha. I think of her every day, wishing she hadn’t left this world so abruptly and too soon.

This blog has been therapy to me during all the years that have passed. I have always written about what was on my mind, in my heart, and in my life. I have made decisions based on my gut feelings and inner knowledge guiding me. This last year I have found that I needed my blog less because living the life I do balances peace, activity, and accomplishment. Of course, I will always grieve for my daughter’s life, but in some ways, it is less forceful. I look around at what I have built and know Misha would have loved it here in Colombia. Misha is the reason I have been relentless in my pursuit of a business that I can pass on to my son and my granddaughter. I feel her gentle push to keep going with my future vision of what my Glamping Place can grow into. When I hear the birds singing in the morning, my heart smiles. I am ready for a new day, a new adventure, a new beginning to my life story.

As I move forward, I find forgiveness in ways I never thought I would be capable of. There are people we can never forgive in our lives, such as the murderer of my daughter Misha. There are people in our lives who do something we can not understand, and perhaps we do not want to forgive them, but we do because it is better than holding on to negative thoughts. Forgiveness clears the mind. Some people become distant, maybe they have a lot going on in their lives, and we should reach out to them. We all have pasts that include glorious moments or moments we might not be proud of. We all have made choices that were not the best ones. But we all get to start every day anew. Now, I am living my best life. Even with all the ups and downs I have experienced along this road I have traveled, I realize my life has been good. Let a moment be what it is. Embrace it when it is good, and don’t dwell on it too long when it is terrible. Give up that wish to impress. There is no need to show what you have to everyone.  Post a little less on social media and immerse yourself in real life! A flock of parrots living in a nearby tree causes me to pause throughout the day to listen to them. As I grow older, I become quieter, and the moments in my day when nature shows itself humble me. I think this is why my nature retreat is successful. When people experience these moments, they feel humbled, too. At night, when I am in my room after a long day, my cat is lying at my feet; I think about happiness. What is happiness? Is it the feeling of contentment? Is it the feeling of satisfaction? Is it the feeling of a good life, a fulfilled life that brings joy? I think happiness does include all these things, but it is also about accepting what has happened in your life, both the good and the bad. Not caring about what others think because you know you are doing and being the best you can be.  My mother used to say the grass always looks greener on the other side, I am too busy with my grass to notice if yours is greener!

Palmira, Colombia, is a small city, but the congestion and traffic are intimidating. I remember being afraid to drive when I first arrived in Colombia. I was terrified by the traffic, the crazy drivers, and the motorcycles that passed on both sides when they sped by. It is still like that! I am thankful for these struggles that I have overcome. I didn’t let them break me! I drive myself everywhere now, always listening to good music that calms me. The secret to my life here is letting every situation be what it is instead of what I think it should be. I made the best of it and gained my independence. I have made friends in all the stores I visit while doing errands. My imperfect Spanish has served me well. When I arrive home after my chores, contentment fills me up. Independence is satisfying when you have moved to another country. Something we take for granted becomes a challenge when we move out of our country of birth. I haven’t waited for the perfect path to appear because tracks are made by walking, not waiting, and for that matter, I walk a lot when out and about—something we don’t need to do when living in the United States. Many people would miss the easy access life provides them in the USA. I don’t. It is all part of life for me now.

After twelve years in Colombia, I think of life like a budget. I cannot afford stress, envy, negative vibes, or doubt. I will only receive peace, love, positivity, trust, and loyalty. Life for me is no longer about having several friends but the quality of my friends. I love people who get excited about sunsets, hummingbirds, birds singing in the morning, a full moon, a beautiful view of the Valle del Cauca, heart-to-heart conversations with kind people, and people who don’t mind a rainstorm or the noise of parrots chattering. This is my kind of life. I am grateful for where I am today. It was a new beginning back then. Now it’s where I want to be. I embraced uncertainty when I moved here, and I know I still have many chapters left. Branches that will unfold year by year. I have given myself space to listen to my inner voice and not the noise of the world surrounding us all. Maybe I am living in a bubble, but it is a lovely bubble I have created through perseverance and unrelenting strength. I choose what matters and what doesn’t. I relax, I breathe, and I stay positive. I control my life and how I respond to all situations. Thirteen years after Misha’s death, I am blessed with the wisdom acquired through hardships, learning, and life lessons. I have messed up, but I got wiser; I have gone to bed at night in fear of the future, but I didn’t give up. I have let go of what doesn’t serve me. I am grateful for where I am now. Every day is a new beginning. That is how I live thirteen years after my daughter’s death.

Posted in Achievements, Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, camping, child death, Colombia, country living, Entreprenuer, happiness, Uncategorized

Live What You Love

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have this family of the Venezuelan Turpials that live on my farm and visit my feeding stations. They sing their beautiful songs when they land at the bird feeding tables that hold bananas. I stop whatever I am doing to watch them. Today the mother Turpial was feeding her baby, who is almost as big as she is. I feel a contentment from the sight of the juvenile Turpial reaching for a bite of banana. After many years of struggle, I have found peace, often thinking how lucky I am. Moments like these keep my heart filled with happiness. It seemed I couldn’t quite grasp happiness until recently. I am living a life that I love.

Many years after my daughter was murdered, I lived life with dread as background noise in my thoughts. An uneasiness that I have finally been able to let go of. Fear can take center stage if you let it. Never let angst crush your dreams. Do what others say you can’t do, and you will never allow anyone or anything to derail your goals. Nor will you tolerate negative behavior or let anyone be around you who is thoughtless, demeaning, or rude. Finally, your past is your past. It is gone now, something that has already happened. Leave it behind where it belongs.

Fear can encompass many things in our lives. There are too many reasons we have doubt living inside of us. Perhaps, it will cost too much money to relocate or start a business. Maybe we fear what others might think. We have concerns about doing what we want because we risk losing special people in our lives. We feel guilt about uprooting ourselves from whatever is causing us stress and being free to decide solely on our own needs. We allow others to manipulate us without reason. We are our masters, and no one else is in control. Once we can truly grasp this, then we can sour into a new and delightful world that allows others to join in if they want to. Remember, fear is just a feeling; it is not a fact.

Villa Migelita Ecolodge is an opportunity that I didn’t fully appreciate, yet now I do. Nature is healing. I have lived in Colombia for many years, never realizing nor appreciating what I have accomplished! Again, because of those dreaded and worrisome thoughts that can plague me. I became an entrepreneur and didn’t understand what I did until recently. I have survived so much; still, I am a business in another country now thriving again. Suddenly, I trust the magic that I live in and feel secure to start something new. This realization came from a slow and steady return to normal after the horrible past year when the world shut down. I didn’t appreciate returning to life as before because I allowed the year of the pandemic to influence my thinking. I invited a friend to visit when I had started to become busy again. She took advantage of me. She used me. She also used my son, and she used my employee. I lost a friend but gained my confidence back along with a determination to succeed more than I already had. I asked her to leave, and I took a much-needed vacation with my son. I enjoyed the holiday and discovered ideas for improving my hotel!

My business has evolved. It is now less of me planning everything for my guests and more of my guests coming to experience the beauty of my nature retreat. Glamping has become a worldwide pastime. I am in the process of beginning this new phase at my Ecolodge. I am going to build a tiny house of glass overlooking the Valle del Cauca. Hopefully, this endeavor will lead to more tiny glamping houses—a new beginning at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. I spent many years camping in the summers with my children now my experiences will become part of my plans to improve my business. Never assume that life will continue to be the same way. Life changes every second. We are in control of every moment of our lives. When I started thinking about the tiny house, I would look at pictures on the internet. Slowly, I put a plan in place. I did it all by myself, just like I opened a hotel, and now it will happen.

My joy is that my son living in Colombia since 2019, is learning Spanish and a new culture. He doesn’t have the life of an American here; he has the life of a Colombian. There is no immediate gratification of fast food or a supermarket with everything he might need across the street. We cook at home and use the garden. He knows the difference between cilantro and parsley. He picks lettuce for salads; he refills the bird feeding stations. He enjoys the tame hummingbirds that we hand feed. He is learning the tourist business, the art of being friendly with the guests, and the satisfaction of making friends worldwide. He observes and knows with the eye of a young person. We have many guests from different walks of life, and all have a love of nature in common. When I envision my business in ten years, my son is front and center. He will carry on with what I have started.

My son rescued a Western Emerald hummingbird in August, and it stayed to live at the Villa. Often, it follows me into the living room when the feeders are empty. This tiny hummingbird has become part of the experience of Villa Migelita Ecolodge. He is always the first to drink from a hand feeder, and he delights everyone. I have yet to give him a name. I would love suggestions in the comments below! He is one of the many miracles that have occurred in the years following my daughter’s death. I have found that these phenomenons move me away from uncertainty, gradually and consistently. Grief can be devasting at first, but it can also be a healthy way to move forward and live well. I acknowledge that grief is part of me, a healthy part that reminds me to live each day to the fullest. I live what I love.

Posted in child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, family, Grief, life lessons, love, Nature Symbolism, parents of deceased children, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized

A Dream

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The cover photo is Villa Migelita Ecolodge the very first time I visited. I had been looking at many properties and I knew immediately when I saw this Villa it was the place I had been waiting to find.

villa-migelita-072
This photo was also taken on my first visit, look at the Orb. Misha is with me here. She is in a parallel universe, but she shows up sometimes and I cannot ignore the signs. A definite angel in the light of my photo.

I loved the Italian style look of this old Villa, I loved the wildness and the mountain views. I wanted to live in a climate that had no need for air conditioning. I enjoy the tranquility of my Villa which is now a legal hotel in the rain forest of Colombia. I could see it was just in need of some loving attention. Butterfly video and photos 008

The American and Colombian flags fly high

Today Misha would be 29 years old. Yesterday I went to where she is buried in her special garden to talk to her. I don’t do this often because I see her special resting area all the time, and I feel her presence. Today, I felt her drawing me to the garden where a simple angel marks her resting place. The angel was turned on its side. I sat it upright and thought she wanted me to do this. She is around me in her soul presence. When I feel especially sad she sends me a hummingbird, and always the same kind. She sent one on Friday. It is the Long billed hermit hummingbird of Colombia. My housekeeper called me because she found it in my office. Always they enter my office, and always the same species. Misha knows this is my place to write and to watch all of my hummingbirds. The interesting part is this species do not ever use the feeders, I rarely see them from the window of my office: except one comes almost every morning and looks at me through the window for a moment and leaves.

I recently wrote a blog about a time when Misha and I were having problems. All these times seem so long ago. But they exist and need to be written down so that many who were cruel to me during the time of her death know how cruel they actually were. I am writing for my healing.  It is not true that one gets over a death of a beloved person as years pass. It is also not the truth that even if the person who has died did horrible things to you, your love didn’t exist. What is true is you feel confusion about the grief you carry inside for the rest of your life. I still have my memories of all the wonderful times from my life with her, but I have awful memories too. That is why I’m writing these blogs in preparation for the book that I’m writing simultaneously. I want to be clear about how a child that took me to the depths of despair was also one who took me to the heights of love.

Recently I had a dream where she came to me. It has been so long since this has happened. I was back in time, the time when I was preparing for my move to Colombia. I was in her room, and I was boxing things and they were from many years of redecorating her room. Remember, this is a dream and actually the room had been empty of her personal possessions for a long time, but in my dream it was the way her room looked the last time it had been redecorated. I felt deep and unrelenting sadness as I picked up items that brought memories with them. I could see the colors of sheets, the stripes in these floor cushions she had, the curtains that covered her closet. It was all so detailed. Then she appeared and was just watching. Tears were falling from her eyes, and we made eye contact. Her hair was blond like in high school. She gave me her lips together half-smile as the tears fell. Then the tears became snowflakes frozen on her face and I woke up.

As I lay in the darkness on my bed I tried to go back to sleep and to the dream, just to see her again. I wanted to understand why the snowflakes? I understood the tears, as I had them falling down my face when I awoke. She feels badly about how she left this world and me. We had a love that transcended the bad times, a love that was flawed but real. A love that no one can take from me with gossip or lies about the actual reality of our relationship. The reality she knew and the truth of the last years of her life when she changed so dramatically.

The significance of this dream is something I will never know, but I realize she is sad for me. She is also in my sphere of the Universe still. This dream makes me realize that my dream of having a hotel and continuing on with my life as best I can is the best way to deal with such deep rooted memories of another lifetime. A situation I carry inside me. Until I write everything down, I will feel incomplete.

Maybe the snowflakes mean she is frozen in time, somewhat like myself. Even though I have accomplished so much, I continue to transmit to those around me, pieces of myself that Misha shattered and left me to deal with. By writing this on the day she was born 29 years ago, I am committing myself to telling the truth, the good and the bad. The joy that I felt  that day when she entered this world was transcendent, the sadness I felt when she left this world was transcendent.

Her birthday holds more significance than her death day, because she had the world and life before her. She made wrong choices as she grew into her teen years. She left me alone to deal with all of it after she was killed. My way of getting on with my life is certainly controversial to some, and maybe to others quite impressive. Whatever may be in anyone’s minds is not of importance to me. What is important is that Misha didn’t have the chance to grow into the woman she should have become and live her life as a mother, sister, and a daughter. With that I wish her a Happy Birthday and can only hope she is still actually with me, because she came to me in a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Awakening, child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, freedom, friendship, Grief, happiness, love, Uncategorized

Sadness

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Sad.  The word used to describe me recently was correct. To be honest that’s how I live inside my mind often, but I usually never give in to it. Even when I awake in the morning feeling deep heaviness of heart. I get up and get going, my mornings include watching my birds and hummingbirds: photographing and viewing them here at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. It is not always about Misha,  although she is certainly part of this sadness. This feeling is something different. It has been pushed back, hidden deep inside my being. Like a child who has been abused and has no recall until years later. As I’ve written before I get through this life after her death because I try not to think about what has happened in my life since she changed at the age of fifteen. I’ve questioned whether it is healthy to just not think about it. I certainly have found out others pick up on this side of me of which I am not aware is being projected. I let myself feel grief when I didn’t see Amaya recently and I found out the true character of someone. I was hit twice in the gut. After a few weeks of searching for why, I realized what really hit me so hard. First of all it has been almost nine years since my daughter was murdered. Why is there this constant need by those who are part of Amaya’s life to continue to persecute me about what Misha decided to do with her life? She had free will. I was her parent who did not believe the choices she was making were correct. That is being a parent! Now these same people are hurting a child. I’m used to feelings of despair, I can handle it because despite all the negativity towards me I’ve gone on to create a lovely hotel and lifestyle. Amaya is a child, she should have nothing but love around her. All love is good love, from anyone who is part of her life. Amaya is not a reason to hurt others through revenge. Again, because all of the decisions Misha made in her short life were hers, albeit she was surrounded by really bad influences in high school.  I just tried to parent her as best as I could parent a rebellious child who was doing really bad things. Look for it all in my book, and believe me I will be sharing every single detail. It is a movie in the making.

So back to this new self discovery. I discovered I am mourning happiness. Moving to Colombia was a good move for me to get away from those who continued to harass me despite what they knew about Misha. I was their person to bully. I am no longer going to allow it. I am going to tell the truth to the world, and I know there are many families who have a Misha in their lives. Hopefully, you can let yourself let go of what you had no control over. When I let myself  feel sadness after I was not allowed to see Amaya  recently I let myself cry. I don’t cry much since Misha passed. Not because I’m embarrassed or trying not to. I just don’t cry.  I can watch a really sad show and not cry, I can see awful news about children being taken from their parents over immigration, I even lost my dog Bruno Mars while I was on my homeless tour of the United States and I didn’t cry. I realize this is not normal, but this is how I cope. I have become immune to a lot of bad things. I do react when confronted with wrong, but I never confront anyone, it is really hard for me to do.

So when I cried recently about being kept from Amaya it wasn’t this hysterical crying, it was  a day of sad tears and a day of talking out loud. Just needing to speak about the positive and negative things. I talked to those closest to me during that time, and I was also very silent and reflective. I then get myself back to the place I keep my sadness inside my mind. That place of not thinking about how horrible the human race is. This is why I love my place in Colombia, I am surrounded by animals and nature. They don’t do bad things on purpose. To hurt someone without reason.

Since I’ve returned to Colombia I’m back to moving forward. I’m doing my normal routine and feeling content. The thing that is missing is that happiness I felt after so many years. My book editor wrote me I’m mourning the loss of affection, because I’ve become my own best friend after so many years. Such wise words. I haven’t felt much happiness for a long time. I have felt contentment, I have felt love from my extended family here in Colombia, I am loved by my animals. But happiness is elusive. My other mother called me last night and she said “Michele, you have never allowed yourself to grieve properly, you keep looking for that happiness, it might never be there for you again.” She is right. I might never have it again, but I will have peace and beauty. I will have the love of the people I know are by my side. That is a wonderful thing. I can live with that. So my homeless tour was filled with lessons, and my other mother Laverne  said to me what I needed to hear. “Michele let yourself grieve, you never have. You have always been defending yourself against things you had no control over. You left and that was good, but now you need to let yourself feel that grief.”

She is right. I am writing it down in my book. It is hard. I have been remembering and discovering memories that cause me a lot of pain. I will get through this phase in my life, just like I get through everything, with grace and with patience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, freedom, friendship, Grief, happiness, Order, parents of deceased children, Perfection and Peace, Uncategorized

Without a Roof

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

What a week, a week of self discovery and a week of acknowledgement about the reality of my life. I’m on a journey that I didn’t expect to take. As I look in the mirrors of the various places I have stayed I’ve found a resilience that is ingrained inside the makeup of the person I am.  I myself didn’t even know how strong I am until this week of wandering from place to place, like a homeless person. I’ve rediscovered that grief I felt when Misha passed. I am right here where my granddaughter is, and I haven’t seen her. I’m her link to her deceased mother, and she is my link to my deceased daughter. We need each other.

One of my dearest friends had some people over when I stayed at her house while on this “homeless tour of friend’s houses ” and she point-blank asked me “how do you survive all of these things that are so gut wrenching awful?” She made me think about my innate character. What does get me through such pain, while others would curl up and leave life by escaping through drugs, alcohol or depressive  behavior? As I’ve moved from place to place I’ve been finding answers.

I’m really loved by a lot of people. Funny thing is they are people I’ve collected along the way on this voyage of life. The list of true friends seemed to grow smaller as I’ve grown older: while in actual fact it has grown larger. I just didn’t know because my focus was on my survival. I refuse to let the actions of other people change me. I know the difference between right and wrong, I know that it sometimes takes a lot of patience to achieve a goal, whatever that goal may be. Such as my own hotel, it is still growing and I might never see it succeed completely but I won’t give up.  I know it is wrong to give a child away, no matter your life circumstances, and I might not have seen my granddaughter Amaya this time, but when I do I will explain to her this is not normal behavior.

I’ve found out I don’t like being a vagabond, I’m a person who likes order even when traveling. I’ve been dragging my suitcases  into many homes this trip. I didn’t expect this, and because I needed to hire an attorney in this emergency situation I had to ask people for help. They all stepped up and I have reconnected with people I was long overdue to see, including my son. As I met up with everyone I was discovering they all have advice for me, and I have listened. I’ve laughed more than I have in a long time, and I’ve talked and have been given validation for my concerns. I’ve snuggled with my mother’s former caregiver who embraced me like she always did when she was at my house all the time. She made me smile with stories of CJ and Misha. Her son made the best fried chicken I’ve ever had and she pressed my shirt before I left because she didn’t want me to have on a wrinkled shirt. Little acts of love, and kindness that have brought joy back to my shattered heart.

My friend who asked me the question about how I get through life, made me giggle with memories too. Reminiscing about those memories of my children’s childhood was so wonderful. I realized and told her the same, I suppress my grief by not thinking about these bad things I can’t change. I also try not to think much about how I have a murdered daughter, and now a granddaughter who is being alienated against me. I have patience and I feel my lawyer Howard Friedman will prevail. It’s that simple and it works for me. I’m not sure if it’s healthy, but I’ve accomplished a lot even in all the adversity. So I guess my advice to others is, do what helps you. Because if you are not healthy, you will not be able to help anyone else.

My former nanny’s and my daughter’s best friend Destiny hold such special significance to me. Maybe it is my destiny that they are my children, along with my Jazmine who lives with me in Colombia. I’m certainly treated as if I’m their mother along with being given advice and a bit of typical behavior as I’ve watched them grow into lovely and loving young women. They delight my soul with the way they have chosen different life paths. They also give me something I really need, they let me feel like a mother to daughter’s. I was never able to complete my time with Misha, but I have them. I love them and love is truly what life is about. Especially, Gaby, and her little precious son. The last stop before I go back to my simple, minimalist life in Colombia. She has little chickens she hatched for her son. IMG_4721

If any of these wonderful young women are most like me, it would be Gaby. She has house chickens and she is as unique and free-spirited as I am. Look at her in her  boots! She never stops cleaning the house, just like I did for so many years. When I told her that I no longer need to do this in Colombia, she said good for you. You have found a life that is working for you. IMG_4722

She is right, I have found a life that works for me. Anyone who tries to demean or speak negative about my life and what I’ve accomplished are not worthy of an answer. I’m unique, I’m a survivor, and I will continue to share my thoughts because there are many of you who follow my blog that need to see you can get up and keep going even when life deals you blow after blow. I still have that smile on my face no matter what. The journey continues and at some point in time mine will be peaceful, without drama brought from others. Until that time, I am going to take in lessons that others teach me and use them to better myself.

Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, child death, Colombia, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, love, Signs of the Universe, Spiritual Presence, strength, Uncategorized, Waiting

The Surprises in Life

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/astonish/

This blog is a follow-up to my blog about finding love when I least expected it, I was astonished by all the outpouring of support that was sent my way when I wrote about  the surprise of meeting someone special. So take a moment and read this blog first before you continue on.

Life is like a river, it flows one way and then it sometimes changes directions. I compare my life to a river often. I believe I have lived two lives in this lifetime. One was as a mother to my children, and the next life started when I decided to move to Colombia after Misha was murdered. It was not an easy decision and I carry a lot of guilt for leaving, but I have found that you cannot control destiny. Everyone has free will, even our children.  I have not stopped thinking about my past life, I really wouldn’t want those memories to be gone. Cherished memories. So I accept I have had two separate lives. Both have had wonderful times, and terrible times. We do have many chances in life, even if those chances cause pain to us in other ways. My choice to move has been wonderful for healing, but whenever I go to the United States the past rears its head. Always so dramatically. I left that, I don’t want the drama, I don’t want the pressure of trying to be the best at whatever it is anyone is trying to be the best at, I don’t want that life anymore. So I need to write about how strange I felt this last time I visited the United States after two years.

The night I met Avi was special because of things I have found out since this fateful encounter. First of all, and I mention it in the blog you need to read first, I asked him to dance. I say this because apparently it is still not a common occurrence for a woman to ask a man to dance. I have been told this by Avi and by my friends also. This shows you I live differently in the jungle of Colombia. We dance here when we have parties at our homes. I ask anyone to dance and this includes my women friends. We just dance. It is that simple. So, what do I mean by this? Avi found it delightful that I approached him and said do you want to dance? I was so amazed by that, which will show that I have become more innocent since living in Colombia. I don’t think nor know about any of the things that could be socially inept. I just live. I have deliberately isolated myself, and with that comes social incompetence. But I do have a lovely and simple existence. I am successful to a degree with my hotel Villa Migelita Ecolodge, and I am very happy to be alone with just me. I might be writing my book, or I might be photographing the nature I am so accustomed to, or I might be studying the Spanish I am still struggling with. I think many people would not like my uncomplicated life, but for me it is perfect. I like being alone. I like my own company, and I love nature and my animals. A perfect combination for me.

Let me say a bit about Avi , he is a person of great integrity. He knows what he wants in a woman and has been looking for someone for a while. I can’t say the same about me. I am flawed, and imperfect to a great degree. I have not been looking for anyone. I changed when my daughter was murdered. I just don’t care what anyone thinks, says or wants from me. I am truly and completely direct with everyone. So this probably makes me a bit unusual. Avi says it is a great thing, I am not so sure. I will say this relationship has gotten better with distance and the wonderful world of being able to talk and see each other through social media. I am way too uninhibited in my thoughts, but to someone like Avi this is a good thing. He finds it refreshing, unusual and to use a word my mother always called me : unique. I am that for sure.

That night Avi and I met we danced and I found out the next day the earring I wore of Misha’s that I had in my second ear-piercing was gone. I was devastated. I had already lost one earring from when she had passed that I took from her body before she was cremated. This earring her best friend gave me without knowing I had been wearing another earring and had lost it. I remember her saying I only have one when she handed it to me. When I woke up and I realized the earring was gone and there would not be another earring to replace it, I was sad. Here is a video of my television interview in Baton Rouge when I was trying to get a trial for my deceased daughter. You can clearly see the earring that I lost the night I met Avi, Gabrielle had given it to me the night before my interview. That morning when I left the cruise ship I felt I left a part of Misha behind at sea.

Now as time has passed and Avi is coming to see me this week, I am beginning to think there was a reason for the loss of the earring. Maybe it is time for me to move on with my life. Maybe I have a future, because I haven’t really looked at my life as having one. I have just lived one day, one step, one moment at a time. The loss of this second earring; maybe it is a message to me from Misha to allow myself to love again, to let go of her, to begin fresh.

Avi has his work cut out with me. I am surely different which he discovered the first night we met. I am also an innocent in this world now. I didn’t turn hard from the lack of justice, I turned inward. I often feel that I can never trust anything again. This man killed my daughter, yet the judge gave him the correct sentence and then she suspended it. She even acknowledged the thousands of letters she received to give him jail time. She didn’t. I felt so betrayed. I withdrew into myself even more.

I had not had a real date with a man in a long time, so when I had lunch with Avi I was nervous and socially awkward. I then had dinner with him later that evening after I missed my flight back to Colombia and I felt like an alien from outer space. I looked around and every person had their phones out and no one was interacting with each other. I don’t do that here in Colombia. I use it for communication, and some of my social media work sites. I remember looking around at a lot of noise and lights, and feeling very uncomfortable. I can’t imagine that I even kept up a normal conversation with Avi. But now since I have returned  to Colombia we have such profound discussions, and I am slowly learning to trust him.

I have made it clear to Avi I am difficult to understand, I sometimes appear cold, unreachable. That I like being alone. I don’t need to have anyone entertain me, nor do I need to be out and in crowds. I am never unkind purposely, but I am distant sometimes. It is who I am now. He accepts this about me, in fact he loves this about me. My directness.

He will be here for Mother’s Day, a day I really find so distressing. He says we shall go out and celebrate you as a mother, you are a mother and deserve to be admired as one. I hope I can enjoy the day with him. He is certainly kind and thoughtful, and I believe he truly loves me, even with my baggage.

Stay tuned, the future is in front of me, but as usual I live my life one day at a time. Some days are not so great, while others are beautiful and full of hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in child death, family, Grief, Mass murder, Uncategorized

Constant Mass Murder

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/constant/

Life is constant, a web and flow of good and bad times. Losing a child cannot be classified in the above statement. Losing a child is the end of everyone’s lives, it destroys families, because there is a need to blame someone for the loss of a child. I am not disregarding the loss of lives of adults, I want to make that clear, I am speaking from my own personal perspective as the mother of a murdered child. My life changed, I changed, and it was and still is a horrible time that has left a mark upon my soul that will never be erased.

I will never understand how anyone can defend the rights of guns over lives. I just cannot accept this. Justice Scalia said that there is no constitutional right to have an assault weapon under the second amendment.

I want to write from my heart about the death of a child. Maybe someone will actually listen. The latest mass murder was in my home turf of South Florida. I am always deeply affected by these murdering rampages. I know that people say “hey get over your grief it has been 8 years”, but that is not how it is with the parents of murdered children(or for anyone, but I am keeping this to murdered children). We envision their lives every year after the death. We see them growing, becoming adults, maturing and making lives we as parents want to participate in. We don’t see them murdered by a person who just enters a school and shooting them to death, running for their lives over dead bodies. We don’t see them helping someone (as in the murder of my daughter) in the early hours of the morning being run down by a drunk, we don’t see that. We see the good future of our children. Then it is just gone in one moment in time. It really sucks. I awake every morning, (yes even 8 years later) feeling sad. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed, but I don’t. I get up because I have a purpose in my life. That purpose is to live for my daughter who didn’t get the chance to live her life. I have animals and they are always a reason to get up and get going in the morning. I have started a business, me who only worked for a big company my entire life. It is always very complicated and I have a lot to do to keep up with being a business owner. I have to admit, at times I wish I was still making money working for a big company. But I am doing something I know how to do, and that is to show people a wonderful time while being the hostess.

This is a very political issue, I realize this. But for me it is personal. I really don’t care if Villa Migelita Ecolodge loses business because I am speaking from my heart. Anyone who continues to say that because of the second amendment you have a right to own an assault rife, I disagree. You do not have a right to own a weapon of mass destruction, one that a teenager can buy easily, for that matter anyone at a gun show without the correct security checks. This is about money, blood money, made on the lives of our children.

Can I tell you that I am sad all the time, I probably will never have a good relationship again in my life, even with my own son who is so wounded and will never be the same. My granddaughter, who will never know how much her mother loved her, except from others who tell her this. I speak with her often and always share memories of Misha. I know she is confused, and she will never know how much Misha loved her. Because Misha was murdered.

These children of Parkland will show the world and Congress what can be accomplished by activism. I am so proud of them. But I know they will have this horror in their hearts forever of the running for their lives, hiding in closets, their friends dying in front of them, being lead out of school over their dead peers. They won’t lose these memories. So 8 years later, just like me, they will still be trying to grasp what makes them so sad. Some will achieve their dreams, some won’t be able to because such a horrible event has changed them.

You know we are all different. Some of us are really strong. Some are not. This is why we have personalities. My strength does not change my sadness, it makes me able to cope. But others won’t be able to cope, some will never be the same. Think about that, not just for Parkland but for all the mass killings that happen regularly in the United States.

So with that I leave this to you my followers to stand up, sign up and  register to vote if you are not registered, join groups protesting these do nothing members of Congress that continue to allow mass murder for money accepted by the NRA. I did what I could to bring justice for Misha and it didn’t work, but I tried for many years. You will win! You have the world on your side. I just had me.

 

 

 

Posted in Birders, child death, Colombia, Colombian life, country living, Entreprenuer, expat life, freedom, happiness, hotel, hummingbirds, mother nature, nature, Perfection and Peace, strength, Uncategorized

The Sounds of Silence

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/silence-2/

 

I have avoided silence since January 31, 2010. The day my daughter was murdered. I have learned lessons, and I have worked hard to get to the place I am in right now. I feel free. I am free of abuse, I am free of negative energy in my home, I am free of judgmental people, free of machismo men who thought they could control me, I am free of everything that was keeping me confined to thought processes that were obsessively full of fear and sadness. When you lose someone suddenly this is normal. But what I did was not normal, I left my own country and changed my life completely. I will never regret my decision to do what I have done, I have evolved and I know another language.

Close up photos 007
New orchids that bloom overnight

I wake up to silence, not my iPad on a news station saying the same things over and over. This is how I would go to sleep since Misha died, almost 8 years now: cable news blah,blah, the same noise said again and again. Sad isn’t it? To think it took me 8 years to get to silence when I live in Paradise. The only sounds I should want to hear are the birds singing, the rain falling, the sound of music I put on when I make my coffee in the morning.

 

 

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Villa Migelita Ecolodge

I could lay in bed on many days and not get up. I don’t allow myself this luxury. I know I need to get going and function. I have known this since the shock from the death of my daughter left me. I would not allow myself to fall off a cliff in despair. I would not allow myself to use as an excuse her death to become a sad human being, or to become filled with anger at her murderer. I used her death to better myself. But still I lacked silence. My brain would not quit.

I started this blog, I learned to take photos and use them to share the beauty I live in. To show my hummingbirds to the world, to show my flowers and a different way of life to all. It has not been easy but I have found the silence I crave inside my brain. With that all the photos and videos I take enrich me more than ever. They bring me to a place that I have been striving to find. Quiet. Pure and complete stillness of being, and sometimes that elusive happiness.Hummingbirds and rainstorm 017

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My birds in Paradise

 

Butterfly video and photos 009
The Colombian and American flag represent who I am now

Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Colombia, Colombian life, expat life, nature, Perfection and Peace

Being Alone vs Loneliness

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

When I moved to Colombia I was in a place of need. I needed rejuvenation of my spirit. I needed to get away from some awful lies and innuendos that were circulated by people I knew and loved. I can never say enough about how gossip can really hurt a person, especially when the true story is not known nor shared by the one who (me) was being trashed regularly. I really cared what people thought back then. I was always trying to defend myself. I wanted the truth to be known. Guess what? No one really cares. They love a good story, especially if it makes them feel better about themselves.

Do you know what makes a difference? Your own actions. They show people who you are not what they gossiped about. Your actions show the truth. Of course when someone is at the bottom like I was, you can only go upwards, which I have. However, there are still the haters. They are miserable in their own lives and want others to be the same. To them I say this: I wish them the best that they can find in their lives, I wish for them to find what I have found out. Life is about being a leader not a follower, life is about choosing your own path without worry about what other’s might say, life is only good for you if you are healthy in your mind and your spirit. My mantra is “don’t complain about what is past, make the most of what is now” I do believe I am doing this. I am living a life of purposeful meaning.

Now, I know many still condemn me for leaving my son at the age of 16 to  move to Colombia. I want to address that because if I was a man, then I wouldn’t be chastised for this decision. A big part of my life after my daughter’s death were the selections I made based on my situation at the time. I left because I could not win. I couldn’t then and maybe not even now. Life is to be enjoyed not endured. I want to emphasize this sentence because I was enduring my life during my divorce and the death of my daughter. I was enduring my life! I repeat this for those who are doing the same. Enduring your life is not living your life. You must be a bit selfish to come out ahead with any sort of growth. You must embrace yourself to embrace others. You must show who you are to the world. If we fill our lives with our real passions and purpose, and spend less time looking for approval then we can get further along a path of self-awareness.

Some nights you may lie awake thinking about the past, I do this often. It is sad for me to remember my sweet children when they were young and my marriage was happy. Then life happens. It just happens. You can’t control it. Even when you try so hard. But I have found regret leads you nowhere. It leads you to loneliness. It leads you to stairs that can never be climbed.

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The stairs of your future are in front of you

Those stairs of regret lead you to more regret and then you are overwhelmed with what your life could have been, should have been. But who is to say what life will be? I would never in 100 million years think I would end up in a country that had such a bad reputation. A country I can relate to. A country that has redeemed itself. As have I. So maybe my path of being alone, which equaled loneliness now shows me that being alone is not such a bad thing when you come out ahead.

I am alone without a life partner, but I am not lonely. I have had two marriages and one really amazing love affair, along with a journey to Colombia with a love who is now a friend. I have known true love with all, including my children. But the most important love is to find yourself and to love yourself. To give 100% to yourself. I have done that in these past years. I have meditated and thought about so many things. One is moving to Colombia. I still pinch myself when I wake up and see the beauty I am surrounded by.