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The Tree Outside My Window

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The Tree Outside My Window.

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The Tree Outside My Window

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

How to describe this tree? It is old , barely alive and yet it brings so much joy to my life.The tree and animal photos 012 I watch my tree as I lay in bed while the dawn arises. I watch in the afternoon when I meditate, or as the sun goes down and I get ready for bed. I see so many birds, they always stop on their journeys and rest a while in my tree. They play and they fight, they search for insects, and they always sing their songs of happiness. This tree has come to mean a lot to me. The day I found out the murderer of my daughter would face no punishment I went to my room to just stare at my tree. I needed peace. I needed to be taken away from the anger seething inside me. I needed my tree. Now I am looking at my tree as I write, trying to make sense of why this judge ignored all of your letters. She is supposed to consider them, but she gave the least possible sentence she could to this murderer instead. I am still trying to process this lack of justice, so I go to my tree. I watch my birds land and take off, wishing I could soar with them for a while.

I had many people try to talk me into taking this tree down when I repaired my lake. I understood: this is an old avocado tree, never to produce again, and barely alive. It still has roots that interfere with the wall that surrounds the lake, but I had to say “NO way!” It is the tree of life at Villa Migelita. It is the resting place for all the birds that pass by. This tree is my sanctuary and my place of peace as well as theirs. How could I ever take it down? There are many trees so close by, beautiful pines, banana trees, heliconia, a beautiful lake with flowering plants right there; but they go to this half dead tree, the birds of Villa Migelita. There are so many species of birds who share my tree, hummingbirds,738408_575209955878408_954705281_o finches, doves, woodpeckers, tanagers, parrots, blue-black grosbeaks, red birds, blue birds, highland motmots, colorful little birds that I will never know their names, they all stop and rest, they sing or they work like this pileated woodpecker . This is my tree of life, it is the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at as the day darkens into night. 217958_421454851253920_219790519_n

It is more than the birds, it is the butterflies too. They are always swirling and dancing nearby. This tree reminds me of a paintingThe tree and animal photos 015 I bought many years ago from a Colombian artist. I bought this painting when my daughter Misha was a little girl. When I first saw Villa Migelita, I thought this tree is so like the one in my painting. Look at this picture I took the day I first visited my soon to be home, it has an orb of light in it, right next to my tree.

First photo I took of Villa Migelita, you can see the light that is an orb in this picture
First photo I took of Villa Migelita, you can see the light that is an orb in this picture
I think my tree is a welcome part of this Universe, and my place to go to when I think I cannot make it through another day. I always remember that orb when I look at my tree, and I will always think it is Misha welcoming me to my future home. My tree is leaning very far to the left and every morning when I open my curtains I sometimes think it lists a bit further. I pray that it does not fall as I will lose part of myself when it is gone. Just like I lost part of myself when my daughter was murdered.

My tree is there for me always, it will not leave me unless the Universe takes it away, just like the Universe allowed this judge to give a murderer the most minimum sentence she could. Here is an email address to register a complaint about Judge Trudy White. I know she received thousands of letters which she ignored! Hopefully the Supreme Court of Louisiana will look at your letters. I ask you to just do this one thing. Let us remove Judge Trudy White from the bench because she allows criminals to walk free while the dead lay buried without justice: osc@lasc.org. Share your thoughts on her record which this is just a small part of her rulings: http://theadvocate.com/news/7813059-123/ebr-judge-defends-sentence-criticized
>
> http://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/p/53611062/if-you-kill-someone-in-a-hit-and-run-and-try-to-get-car-repaired-claiming-u-hit/
> Includes:
> “Lets make sure we are up to date on Judge Trudy White’s scorecard:
> 1. Kelsye Hall – 5 counts of negligent homicide – Sentenced to 2 years! (thats
about 5 months per homicide) by Judge Trudy White
> 2. Dalvin Sewell (Lengthy violent criminal history including arrest for 2nd
degree murder) – Convicted of 1st Degree Robbery which carries up to 40 years –
Sentenced to the minimum 3 years by Judge Trudy White.
> 3. Princess Beachem – Did cocaine while carrying a child, who died as a result
– Arrested for Feticide – Charge dropped by Judge Trudy White.
> and lets not forget:
> 4. Aramis Jackson – Arrested in 2009 for a weapons charge – Charge dropped by
Judge Trudy White. White told Jackson to perform acts of kindness. His first act
of kindness was killing Alexandra Engler and shooting her 9 year old daughter
several times before stealing their TV.”
>
>
> https://cases.justia.com/louisiana/first-circuit-court-of-appeal/2010ka2092-1.pdf?ts=1387486121
> Judge White sentencing error: “illegally lenient sentence”
>
>
> http://www.katc.com/news/woman-freed-after-judge-rejects-feticide-charge/
> http://www.katc.com/news/woman-gets-two-years-for-wreck-that-killed-five/
You can say you sent a letter in your complaint. She allows Christian Cvitanvich to walk out of the court with a prior DUI and thousands of letters written to her on my daughter’s behalf, and look at the links I posted!. A video that was very powerful which you can see here from me because I was so sick with shingles and could not travel. I have had new outbreaks of the shingles, nothing major, but imagine if I had traveled 15 hours to hear she let him go free, I do not want to think of my reaction and my bodies reaction! Now the next thing I ask is to copy and paste these links above to the media. Whomever you watch, send them an email. Tell them of this judge and of Louisiana, the 2nd most corrupt state in the United States. Maybe all of us together can still make a difference. I am not ready to let go yet, and I hope you are not ready to let it go. We can change things if we try. I am doing this for Misha’s daughter Amaya, I want her to always remember how much her mother was loved, and how much I want justice. It is not revenge, I want to make this clear, it is #JUSTICEFORMISHA. I would also like to see the other victims that this judge had no regard for get some much needed peace. Please help me try to remove her from the bench.

When you write the email osc@lasc.org they will send you a form to fill out. I needed to supply information for that form which I am updating for my followers. This is the Judicial Commission of Louisiana where you make complaints about a sitting judge. The case number is 03-10-0215 The case title is: The State of Louisiana vs Christian Cvitinovich. The Judge who we are making a complaint about is Judge Trudy White of The East Baton Rouge Parish. Your status: citizen. Explanation of complaint. You need only write in that you have seen the lenient sentences she gives TO GUILTY PARTIES (THE ABOVE LINKS CAN GIVE YOU ENOUGH INFORMATION TO WRITE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS) AND THAT YOU FEEL SHE IS UN-QUALIFIED TO BE SERVING THE PEOPLE SHE REPRESENTS. My daughter is Mikel Cara Carson (google her name and you will see articles on the death) and Christian Cvitanovich killed her and admitted to it and pled to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He had a prior DUI which if you look at the statute it says a minimum of 5 years in jail to a maximum of 20 years. He was given this sentence: 10 years suspended, 5 yrs Active Supervised Probation with 75 hrs Community Service each of those 5 years. I am sure you will agree that like the above links this is ridiculous and he literally ‘got away with murder’, as did others listed in the above links that Judge Trudy White has sentenced. Write this down on the form you get in the mail. Thank you in advance for your time in helping me. You can also call the Judicial Commission at 504 568 8299504 568 8299 and they can send you the form of complaint.

Please come and visit my page Villa Migelita on Facebook. I share a lot of my birds, animals and love of nature which has helped me in my quest for peace. http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita

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The Real Side of Grief

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The Real Side of Grief.

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The Real Side of Grief

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have thought a lot about my daughter lately. It will be 5 years in January since she died. I think about how time just goes by; and I think about what she would be doing if she was still here on this Earth. I think about the sentencing of the killer next week. I think about how hard I have worked to bring justice for the death of my daughter. I think about the corruption in Louisiana and if all the letters sent will actually help. I worry that some back door deal has taken place between the prosecution and the defense. I worry about the prosecutor and victims advocate who have never really been on board with me ever since they realized how hard I was working to get a trial for my daughter who is the victim. I think about how messed up the laws are in the USA that the defendant has more rights than the victim. If a petition had not been sent to the senator of Louisiana I still would be fighting to get a trial. That petition (in my opinion) most likely influenced the monster who killed my daughter and left her on the side of the road,46319_10201682425288406_520618800_n made him realize I was never going to let him live his life without facing punishment for killing another person. He pled ‘no contest’ to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He has still not shown remorse nor acknowledged his guilt in my daughter’s death. I think of the toll this fight has taken on my health. I have had so many health problems since the murder. Nothing life threatening; just chronic problems that interrupt my life. I really am not a complainer and have lived with these problems and continued my life and my pursuit of justice no matter what. I have done what was necessary to bring this subhuman to a place where he is now to be sentenced. Still I worry; that worry caused me to get shingles. Shingles is keeping me away from the sentencing. I have decided that I can not travel 15 hours by airplane to make my statement to the court. Anyone who has had shingles knows the pain and danger that they bring. After much contemplation, along with seeing doctor’s about their thoughts, and many stories from kind people who follow my page Villa Migelita on Facebook I came to the only real decision there was to make. I can not go. Some might not agree, and I understand that, but it would put me in danger for more bad consequences to my health, and to others around me.

Now that I made my decision, I am a bit more at peace. I am continuing to work on getting this man sentenced to the maximum penalty through the internet, which has done well for me thus far. I wonder though has the judge made up her mind already? Has he bought his freedom? It is really strange how the victims advocate is responding to my simple requests. Actually, she has only responded a couple of times and that is to do what she always does; discourage me from what I am doing. When I sent her the sentence guidelines for what the murderer should get, she wrote me back that is not a guarantee. When I sent her the statute about how the DA can put in a motion for my video statement she wrote back she would pass it along but could not guarantee this. When I told her I wrote the judge that I could not attend due to my health problems, she wrote back I should not have written the judge. Imagine that! The person who is to be advocating for me is actually discouraging me! She actually is saying I should not exercise my right to free speech, she is discouraging me from advocating for my daughter! This is what I have been up against for almost five years now. It really does make me worry, and this is why I have shingles. I believe all my efforts might be for nothing because I think they have some sort of deal that has been in place since he pled ‘no contest’ and nothing I do will change that. So I am writing it down. I think all who read my blog and follow my page need to know what I suspect. I also want to include my Impact statement which will be to be read in court. I hope it is. Oh, and she also said to me perhaps the video will be given to the judge to view outside of the courtroom and not at sentencing. Why not at the sentencing? It is all so fishy, it is all so wrong. What is the big deal of showing a short video so that the murderer can hear my voice? The voice of her mother?

Here is my written Victim Impact statement, I tried to keep it brief so the court could not say it was too long:
“I received a call from my soon to be ex-husband around 11:30 PM the night of her murder. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson stopped to help a person she saw hit by a car. Then the defendant Christian Cvitanvich hit that car, and my daughter’s body was thrown and allegedly killed instantly. How, though, will we ever know if she actually died immediately? If the defendant had stopped and tried to help, if he had called 911 immediately, if he had done the right thing, we would have answers to these questions. When asked how I am affected, these questions come repeatedly to my mind. Did she suffer as she lay on the side of the road until the sun came up and someone called in her body? It is a torment I wish on no one. I struggle every single day with questions about that night. I struggle with the fact it took 12 hours to discover who she was and that she lay in a morgue unidentified while her baby daughter was calling for her at home. I struggle with the fact that my son has never been the same since her death and has left his once promising life of a good education to now barely getting a GED. I struggle with the anger that surrounded me after her death: the anger of my son, the anger of my ex-husband and all my daughter’s friends, the anger of the father of her daughter. I struggle with what would have been a promising life for her, taken from her in a moment. A moment when she chose to help someone. Think about that. My daughter Mikel was helping someone. She was killed while doing a good deed. Now I have moved to get away from all the horrible consequences that have resulted from that night when she was left abandoned and alone on the side of Highway I-10. As the reality of her death unfolded, I saw people I had known for many years change. They became angry, they did things they would not normally do, they took their anger out in ways that were not healthy and were destructive. My son to this day is not living the life I had hoped for him to live, nor has he agreed to counseling. My ex-husband got re-married and is now divorcing again. The father of my granddaughter is in jail, leaving my granddaughter without either parent. Me, I am rebuilding my life and living for her and what she would have experienced if she had not been taken so suddenly on that fateful night. There is not a moment I do not think of her since she was murdered. Everything I do, I do with the intent of giving my granddaughter Amaya a better life as she grows up. I worry for my granddaughter: I worry that I am the only one who tells her about her Mommy and how she grew up. I worry that Amaya will become angry as she grows older because she is without either parent now, and she has no real memories of her mother except those I give her through photos and memories. I have had counseling for her death, but still my health has suffered. I have had to wear a retainer for a year to re-adjust my jaw after grinding my teeth so badly at night while I slept. I have never had a good nights sleep since learning of her murder. I have had continuous health problems: recurring urinary tract infections, vertigo brought on by a virus that attacked my inner ear, and now that same virus attacking my body by way of shingles which has made it impossible for me to travel to this sentencing, a virus known to be only brought on by extreme stress. I believe that this stress of trying to bring justice for my daughter and her death has caused these problems. I am devastated that I can not be there in person to say this while looking at Christian Cvitanvich, who has never shown remorse for taking my daughter from so many that loved her. I want him to know her daughter will turn 7 in January and he left her motherless. Her brother will be 20, the age of Mikel when she died, and is suffering inside so much that he can not live a normal life, nor has he moved on like others would his age. Cvitanvich has left many saddened friends and relatives who still can make no sense of the needless death of a young mother who was only 20 but going to school to better herself, while also working, for her beloved daughter Amaya. I ask the court to give the maximum sentence under the guidelines described for this crime. He needs to have punishment for the crime of killing an innocent young mother who had stopped to help another human being. Why did he not do the same when he hit Mikel? Ask yourself that? He was most likely drunk. The selfishness about his future took priority over helping another human being. I wish my daughter had been selfish that night and not stopped, as she would still be alive. I wish that with all my heart. I will never be free of the terrible anxiety I get when I think “if only” she kept driving home to her precious daughter.”

The above statement is the real side of grief. Grief is not something that can get better with time, grief is with a person always. It stays, it lingers, it does not change. The only thing that changes is the person who experiences the grief. They have to make choices. They need to decide if they will grow stronger using the sadness inside of them to help others in the same situation, or if they will keep it inside and hide the sadness. They need to decide if they will fight to live a normal life, or grow depressed and withdraw from life. They need to work every single day to stay healthy and to have some sort of happiness, a happiness that is stripped from them by death. I have chosen to move forward. I am not always successful, but I am trying. This is the real side of grief.

There is still time for those who have not done so to fax a letter to the Honorable Judge Trudy White. Please be respectful and ask for the sentence to be the maximum under the guidelines. Every letter makes a difference and she has to consider them. This is the fax number: 225 389 4737.

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The Hummingbird Effect

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The Hummingbird Effect.

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The Hummingbird Effect

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The Hummingbird Effect.

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The Hummingbird Effect

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The Yupik culture of Eskimos have a belief that the soul never dies; even those of animals. They believe that the soul continues on even though the body is no longer with us. Elaborate winter ceremonies emphasized the relationship among humans, animals, and the spirit world. Hummingbirds also have that spiritual effect; Native American birds, animal symbols and totems are believed to represent the physical form of a spirit helper and guide. The meaning of the Hummingbird symbol was to signify peace, love and happiness. I have plenty of hummingbirds all around me here at Villa Migelita. My video’s are many; the most viewed is here. If any creature on this Earth represents the eternal soul I believe it is the hummingbird, with butterflies being a close second.

So what is this hummingbird effect? I believe they are little jewels of nature. There are many of us hummingbird lovers out there. We find them fascinating and mystical, these warriors with the ability to capture our hearts when they buzz around us. They can fly backwards with tail feathers spread while fighting over their territory. They seem to have no fear, even of humans who stand right next to them at the feeders. They are better than any jewelry I have owned; their sparkle in the light of the sun is better than any diamond. They are here year round at Villa Migelita. I have many at once even when it gets a bit cool during rainy season. Wherever you sit at my farm, you will hear their clicking wings beating a thousand beats per minute and then you will see them. They will be in the flowers, or at one of my strategically placed feeders. They will pay you no attention as they go about their business of drinking the nectar they need to survive while also being a sentry at their particular spot which they guard with ferocity. Such fierceness. Such independence. Such delightful antics.

I recently opened my Bed and Breakfast here in the mountains of Colombia. I was not completely ready but my two visitor’s from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico wanted to come anyway and stayed in the room that I have used for personal guests. They had seen the Hummingbird video I posted above and it drew them to my farm. Claudia, who contacted me, insisted it was not a problem that we were not actually open yet. She had to come to Colombia; she had to see for herself what a wonderful country this is and meet the girl who had a hummingbird stay on her finger and not want to leave. My first guests were like these tiny miracles; they brought their wit, spirituality, and peaceful presence to Villa Migelita. The moment I met them in person at the airport I felt a common bond of friendship that only happens when you know a person shares many of the same similarities as yourself. It is the hummingbird effect! Those lovely little jewels opened up my heart when I first moved to my farm and now they have brought me the friendship of two wonderful guests whom I celebrate in this blog.

How fast the week went; too fast as we shared adventures that I have longed to show others who enjoy nature, animals, beautiful surroundings, and peaceful solitude. Colombia is a wonderful jewel just like the hummingbird. A country of diversity, with many departments and two coasts; the Pacific and the Atlantic. A quick airline flight gets you from any of the beautiful departments in Colombia, all unique, all with much to offer. Before they visited Villa Migelita they went to Barranquilla and the coast to whale watch and actually snorkel with the whales! The first thing they did when they arrived here was wake up early from the song of a lovely bird that sings every morning to all of us at Villa Migelita. A lovely song to greet lovely people! They wandered the farm taking in the hummingbirds, but also the beauty and peacefulness that Villa Migelita offers. We have so many birds and butterflies your camera needs to be ready at any given moment! We wandered to the river and came back to have lunch and get ready for Parapente. You can see them taking off here (one of the guests Norma was already in the air) and meeting up in the sky with Claudia for a majestic journey over the beauty of the mountains. A thrilling experience, which started in the park of La Buitrera with the fun play of a baby horse and it’s mother which you can see here. I was enjoying every minute. What a wonderful first day!

The second day was a visit to El Paraiso and The Sugarcane Museum. Wonderful spots with lots of beauty and history. The hummingbirds that inhabit my adopted country are all around anywhere we go, where there are flowers there are hummingbirds in Colombia. We ended up having a really late lunch due to the time we took visiting both spots. It is difficult to leave Villa Migelita in the morning because sitting outside is so enjoyable! We would sit and watch the hummingbirds and of course Luci my rescued parrot would be outside with us also. Colombia closes early during the week and we had to see both spots, so lunch turned into an early dinner.!10479658_729687763763959_3669262712560888376_o The third day was one of spiritual unity with nature when we visited La Chorrera the waterfall famous for healing. The park was empty; it was as if we had rented it out for ourselves. I have never been with a more entertaining person than Claudia who was introducing me to new music, a lot of fun stories and a great singing voice. She actually talks more than me! We had a traffic stop which are common here and she had the police officer so entertained he did not even look at our papers and was just interested in listening to her tell him how she was enjoying Colombia! I was laughing so hard when we left; I really have never seen anyone work the police like she did that day! She just is one of these people who has this aura all around them that attracts and generates good attention. We even had a donkey horse approach our truck at the entrance into the park of La Chorrera, which was in itself delightful. You can see it here and watch to the end because you can not miss Claudia break out in song! All went under the waterfall except me because of my vertigo, it is a strong stream of water and I was afraid of losing my footing. I did swim in the natural pool and we all had a lovely lunch. This video shows everyone going under the waterfall which legend says will heal you of all problems and cleanse your soul. Once again I thought of hummingbirds and spirituality because of two butterflies which stayed with us during the time we swam and enjoyed the waterfall. One was the famous number 89 butterfly which has my daughter’s birth year on the wings. We went later to the famous San Antonio area, a very trendy area of Cali for dining and shopping. Day 3 Cali La Chorrea 062 The church which dates to the 16th century overlooks the park and town. We wandered the streets shopping and ended having tapas in a lovely restaurant that reminded me of many European towns I have visited as a flight attendant. This restaurant had butterflies on the walls everywhere, including the one I feel represents my deceased daughter with the number 89 on its wings, it was another spiritual connection. I was beginning to feel that Misha sent these two wonderful guests to be in my life! We really enjoyed this restaurant with the ambiance of another era, complete with a theater that showed old movies and had posters from long ago.Day 3 Cali La Chorrea 077 Day 4 was to be horseback riding and then Nirvana the Natural Reserve, but we changed it up to go to Nirvana first. We did not leave Nirvana until it was almost dark. Horseback riding will wait until they visit again; which I have no doubt they will. Everyone comes back to Colombia once they have experienced the magic. We hiked to the very top of Nirvana and stayed to look at the view for a long time. We ran into one of the owners and visited his beautiful home overlooking the valley. When you reach the top which is only about a one mile walk (but feels like it is 10 miles!) there is a little tienda with beverages waiting and a view of Palmira Valle that is incredible. Day 4 NIrvana 032 The walk back down goes quickly and Claudia hitched a ride on a motorcycle of one of the workers. I laughed out loud when she passed me by! The restaurant is outdoors and you can sit under the Jade Orchids where you will see more hummingbirds; I like to think of them as joining us while we dine. The wings of the hummers clicking along with the camera’s that are always nearby. That hummingbird effect goes everywhere with us!

Friday came way too fast and my guests did not want to do anything but sit outside at Villa Migelita and watch the hummingbirds. I had told Claudia she would see the exotic long-tailed hummingbird with the white tip on its tail. She saw it several times and even got a good video of it while it drank from the nectar of the Heliconia. This particular hummingbird is not a regular at my feeders; it comes to the flowering plants only. She was able to get a video in the light of the sun showing the exquisite iridescence of its feathers. All of my hummingbirds look dark but when in sunlight they sparkle like jewels when the sun catches them just right because their feathers are like little prisms reflecting the light . They can have spots on their necks with emerald on the bodies, they can have red beaks or black beaks, they can have red tails, or long green tails with white tips, they have brown with a touch of green, and some have no color until the sun hits them. There are many species at Villa Migelita, this is the long curved beak hummingbird here. This hummingbird is different and exotic, and does not fight nor mingle with the others. It is a lone breed that is all over my farm. I have seen many other long-tailed species in Colombia; but not at Villa Migelita. It is quite cool in the evenings and some breeds need a warmer climate and can be seen at many places around Colombia. I have visited a lovely restaurant on the other side of Cali that has feeders hanging while you eat and the kinds of hummingbirds they attract are much more colorful than mine here at the farm. I do have one species called the White-necked Jacobin which is always around my feeders and quite different from my darker green hummers. They are bright blue with a white neck. 738408_575209955878408_954705281_o

The hummingbird effect is a real thing that many of you share with me. We know they represent spirituality. We know they bring peace. We know they represent all that is good in the world. I believe my daughter uses them all the time to send me signs. I think the hummingbird that would not leave was her; and that video has brought me my first guests to Villa Migelita. I also believe she is following me on my journey here in Colombia and wants my Bed and Breakfast to be a success. How can I fail with these little spiritual totems that surround me? I know I will have many more of you come visit Villa Migelita, because you want to see the hummingbirds while discovering the magical realism of Colombia. Colombia a little country with so much to do and see awaits your visit. We will welcome you with warmth and friendship. Come and see for yourself this beauty that is all around me. All you need to do is sit anywhere at Villa Migelita and hummingbirds will surround you. I have found what I want to do with the rest of my life; I want to share my lifestyle with others. I want to show everyone that there is still untouched beauty in this world, and I live it every day. 464863_4195992704093_2091212189_o

You can reach Villa Migelita at migelita555@gmail.com
My website is http://www.villamigelita.com
My Facebook page is http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita.

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Connections From the Past; Do they Shape Our Destiny?

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Connections From the Past; Do they Shape Our Destiny?.

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Connections From the Past; Do they Shape Our Destiny?

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

“The Universe wants to be noticed” I love this quote from a book I just read. No matter how hard we try to control our lives something always steps in and changes the outcome. I believe it is the Universe and we should take notice. We often have fleeting messages in our minds that we should pay attention to. We also have instances where situations are similar to our past which bring memories back to us; again the Universe. I was not aware during all those years long gone in my younger days that my thoughts and my life connections would determine my future. We all have this ability to see the unfolding of our lives if we pay attention to those moments in our minds or in our relationships that can convey to us to change a path we are on. Think to yourself how many times you look back on a period of time and wonder ‘if only’ or ‘I should have seen that coming.’ Is it really possible that we can shape our own destiny or does our life unfold according to a pre-determined plan the day we enter this world?

When my children were born I knew they would have the best and brightest futures. I devoted myself to caring for them with all my heart. The future I envisioned was one of greatness for them both. I knew they would grow to be well-educated productive members of society. I spent many nights worrying about the schools they would attend and who they would be influenced by; I was financially able to put them in the best schools thinking this would keep them safe from the kids that could shape them negatively. Little did I know that in every school, church, synagogue, work place, summer camps, summer vacations, there are bad influences. I even know my own daughter was a bad influence to my son before she passed. So where does this leave us? As my life unfolded, so did the people who entered my life, whether through the schools, neighborhood, friendships from work, friendships through my children’s friends,the families of my ex-husbands and on and on. The list is endless.

I now believe there is nothing we can do to change the trajectory of our future, unless we listen to our inner voice and follow its direction. When we feel unease around someone we should not make that person a friend, when we feel uncomfortable with a decision we should look for an alternative, when we are unhappy in our lives we should change the situation even when it is difficult or next to impossible. I know it is not easy to make changes when you are firmly entrenched in your life, your job, your family and you do not want to hurt those loved ones around you. I know this because I chose to stay in a bad marriage, which is one of those ‘if only’ thoughts I have often. If only I had left when my kids were young, I could have avoided the tragedy that unfolded as they grew into teenagers with a husband that was not united with me on anything. If only I had not married him when I left him during our courtship, but let my father influence me to go back to him because of his profession. If only I had not stood idly by when his sister’s kid bullied Misha every chance he could and no one said or did anything except me. If only I had not let my daughter influence me to put her in another school when she was in 7th grade, she would not have met the friend that changed her in a way that made the following years so difficult for me and my relationship with Misha. If only I had more time with my children, and did not have to care for my elderly mother who had dementia and also work as a flight attendant. If only, if only, if only!

Flash forward to now. I do that ‘if only’ thing way too much. I have always had a 6th sense; my mother had it too. However, I have never acted on those random thoughts that are actually the Universe telling us to be prepared. I know this because before Misha’s death I had two very strong thoughts about her death. One was so clear that I called my best friend, and I did not act on this thought. I wish I had. I wish, I wish, I wish! Oh so many things could be different, but then again “the Universe wants to be noticed.” I have to stop all of this because I would not have my son, I would not have Amaya my beloved grandchild, I would not have Villa Migelita my wonderful new home and Bed and Breakfast in Colombia, I would not have the life I have lived and the lessons I have learned. I actually do not think that any of us can change our trajectory; I believe we have a life that is given to us at birth and how we deal with the lessons that unfold is what shapes our futures. However, I do believe our past connections are involved in our future life but even if we listen to that annoying thought that tells us we should not do something, or befriend someone, or marry someone, or act on an impulse about something, we will still have an outcome that was destined to be our life and only our life. I heard an interview recently with a clothing designer who said women are all very strong, but it takes a tragedy for them to show the strength they have laying dormant inside them. That line spoke to me. I have had tragedies before my daughter’s death, and I have shown my strength many times in my life. Now my strength is who I am, not something I show in crisis. I am strong, self reliant and a good example. I always have been; but it took my daughter’s death for me to show others who might not have thought this of me.

I recently was in Florida and spent time with my grandchild. We went to The Chesapeake Resort in Islamorada to see a friend I met through my FB page Villa Migelita. I would not have met her without a friendship I had with someone else. I am no longer friends with this person as I have learned to listen to my thoughts and feelings. However, she passed through my life to bring me to this wonderful new friend. I wrote about the connection to the mermaid painting in this blog. When I visited once again after a lovely invite from Ilona to please come down and bring Amaya, I felt that spiritual connection again. This time through Ilona’s mother who she takes care of just like I did my mother. We arrived on a Friday evening after a quick 2 hour drive and were greeted with such warmth and love. I met her mother when I was there in October of 2013 and loved her spunk, her wonderful intellect and her ability to project her thoughts and her 6th sense. Yes, Nana has a very spiritual side with a presence of love in her aura. What I found fascinating is the way Amaya wanted to spend time with Nana who is usually sitting in a recliner in a lovely room looking out at the beautiful nature of the Keys. My own mother spent her final days in a beautiful room looking out at nature also. My daughter Misha was very close with my mother, to the point that she would do her homework in the room my mother lived in, help me with my mother before it became to difficult for us to care for her by ourselves. Amaya and I had dinner with Ilona and her partner, and Amaya got up and left on her own to sit with Nana, not near Nana on the couch but with Nana in her chair. They had serious conversations, they watched a Disney movie together, Nana talked to Amaya like she was her own grandchild. I was surprised as little kids usually do not go to older people on their own, but Amaya wanted to be with her. Amaya loves Nana. I think they have a connection that I can not explain, but I had Déjà vu from my time with my own daughter and her connection to my mother. The next day as soon as Amaya woke up she asked to go to the mermaid painting. We went and she sat and contemplated that painting a long time; she is only 6 so believe me when I say she sat still for a long time! We stayed two nights at The Chesapeake Resort and the next evening had dinner again at Ilona’s personal home with her family and Nana. Again, Amaya ate and then went to be with Nana. It was extraordinary, it was delightful. I snuck near them to hear their conversation and it was all about how special Amaya was, how she was a wonderful girl, how lovely she was, what a good person she would grow to be. I was teary eyed. When we left the next morning we stopped by the house to say goodbye. Amaya ran up the stairs and went to find Nana, and Ilona told me a beautiful Finch had been circling the house for a few days, but today it was hitting the window. I saw the Finch. It was gorgeous; it rested when it saw Amaya and I in the house on the hammock situated outside on her balcony. It looked at me for a long while then it started flying around the house in circles again stopping to peer in at Amaya and Nana. I know it was Misha; she always sends birds.

Footnotes:
The Fault In Our Stars by John Green is the book I took the quote from “the Universe wants to be noticed”
The Chesapeake Resort in Islamorada is owned by my friend Ilona and I highly recommend it to anyone who visits the Keys.10421609_728019933930742_7812431481361452190_n

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Lessons, Learning, Loving

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Lessons, Learning, Loving.