That time I went to jail I have never written about. People who are close to me know. I am writing a chapter for my book now about my 36 hours in Broward County jail. It is still so fresh in my memory. It was horrible, I was shown a side of society I didn’t know existed. Jail was something I read about in books, or watched in movies. The reality is very different. No matter your place in society, the treatment is disturbing from the moment you are arrested to the time inside the jail, the lack of compassion, the complete cruelty I experienced by the police and the people who worked in the prison. However, the other inmates were pretty darn cool with me. It was obvious to them I didn’t belong there. They comforted me, they gave me a lot of reasons to write it down, but I never did. I have never written about it before because it shows my daughter in a way that is not flattering, something that I have not wanted to do. I need to heal myself, recent events have made me realize I have not done that. Even with therapy, my move to Colombia, these moments in time exist and they bring me to places I only think about when I awake at night and cannot sleep.
I was arrested on false charges. I was an innocent to what the rules are when the police show up at your door. I had no clue about anything about police visits to your home. If I had known, this experience would never have happened. It was a nightmare that you dream and then wake up with your heart beating fast inside your chest. Surreal, incomprehensible, I am sure my mug shot exists somewhere even though all charges were expunged. I didn’t even understand that they were taking my mug shot. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t understand all that was happening and it was very harsh, with a lot of merciless treatment by all involved who work in the system of Broward County, Florida.
Now I am writing it down in a chapter for my book. I am leaving nothing out. The dreadful side of my daughter, the crappy friends she had, one who has my sweet grandchild in her care right now without any legal papers of custody. I am telling the story. All of it, the lessons I learned from experiences I had no control over. Including my daughter meeting the father of my beloved grandchild. I am going to tell you the entire experience from the time of my arrest until I was let out to the street outside the jail of Broward County without a charged cell phone, no shoes, and no money.
A wonderful cab driver gave me a ride with my promise of payment if he could just take me to my house. I didn’t even have a key to get inside my own home! I will always remember the kind treatment I received from the other inmates, from that cab driver, the father of my grandchild: who when he heard what Misha had done made her immediately go to drop the charges. This is hard just to say in a blog. I went to jail. I was 50 years old, I could have lost my job, that is what Misha did. Wait for it. Coming soon to all who want to buy my book. I am writing the chapter now. It is funny at times, but it is also very terrifying to anyone who might think it could never happen to you. It can and I experienced it.
In response to The Daily Post’s weekly photo challenge: “Motion.”
All of life reflects motion. Images imprint in our brains daily. Some reflect joy, love, and leave us in a place that gives us happiness for fleeting moments in time. I used to see these images and go on with my daily routine after acknowledging them with a passing smile. I was engulfed in my tragedy and did not allow these moments to penetrate the pain I felt daily. Now, I let these moments engulf me, take me to a place of gratefulness, I know that these little captures by my eyes are worth so much. They sustain me when I’m sad, they lift me up when I’m disappointed, they give me hope that I will one day have relief from the heartache I harbor in my soul. My animals are my therapy from the torment that I am left with after my daughter was murdered, an affliction I carry like a disease. Watching their unfettered love of life gives me hope I will be this way once again. Free in spirit, loving the life God has given me with unconditional joy. If we could keep these flashes of action in our memory to look at like this series of one afternoon of play, we could use them to draw strength of spirit when we are down. Don’t overlook any instance that draws a smile to your lips. Images are a refreshment to our demeanor, just like a cold drink is to our bodies on a warm day.
I have moved to Colombia, South America to find peace. Motion is part of my life whether it be my animals, hummingbirds, butterflies, or the changing views of the clouds that surround the mountains. Come visit and LIKE my Facebook page as I share moments from my life daily.
Last night I fell asleep looking at the stars. I slept in my bedroom surrounded by glass walls feeling suspended in the air, floating in the space of unlimited dark sky while the solar system twinkles with life. My thoughts twirled in my head as I looked out at the dark mountains that have trees that look like tiny people walking in line on the top of the mountain. These trees always remind me of myself walking along a path of single-minded determination to make my life a willful dedication to become a person that lives life to experience, touch, and see the beauty that life offers. I try to wake up every day with an attitude of positivity and hope. Hope for a future that brings me a measure of happiness that was lost with the death of my daughter. I want to show the world that from total despair comes the emergence and ability to draw from our inner strength. Daylight brings new light and I am surrounded by the songs of a thousand birds singing in unison, different species all awaking with dawn to warble their songs as I look out from my bed to see them flying from tree to tree. My joy is immeasurable. It is with sadness I feel this joy, as I would not be here in Colombia without the loss of a life along with the devastation it brought to my soul. I think in moments like these my daughter is sharing my world and thoughts, as if she somehow lives inside of me now and pushes me from within to keep working towards this elusive future that I am building. These are the moments of blessedness that I have lived my life in pursuit of. I stretch, and look around my newly renovated bedroom, feeling the crisp air of the mountains flow through the open windows and close my eyes and just listen to the sounds of nature. Sometimes I am not sure what I feel, the space I occupy is so beautiful and serene, the energy so peaceful, I never thought I would see this day or feel a measure of contentment again in my life, but I do. It is there deep within me fighting for a chance to break free if only I would let it happen.
How do I allow myself to live with calm tranquility when my daughter was so young and taken from this world to soon? These thoughts flow freely with my eyes closed. Instead of really appreciating my surroundings, I’m like a bystander staring from afar, noting the look of a house that could be one I’ve seen in a magazine. Surely, this not my house? Why do I feel detachment? Is it possible I will ever allow myself to really appreciate what I have achieved? I have a huge hole inside of me that may stay until I leave this world. I promise myself I will work on these innermost thoughts that plaque me. I drift off to a slumber not quite sleep, but a meditative state sending my messages to the Universe.
The sound of my new puppy crying brings me back to reality. She is my latest rescue dog. I wasn’t looking for her, but could not refuse when I was told that she was going to be put to the streets if someone did not adopt her. I couldn’t let this happen as I lost my dog here on the streets last year, and even though I can’t save every animal if given an opportunity to save a life I will. I realize as she cries to get out of her kennel that perhaps this is my calling, part of my destiny and life plan. She brought me a gift I did not seek. She has shown me that I am not unworthy of blessings, but should count them. I’m surprised by my revelation in that moment. By helping the discarded I’m helping myself. She brings with her the playfulness only a new puppy can bring, and it is contagious. She greets me with such unconditional love when I hold her first thing in the morning, a love only an animal can share without preconditions. In her presence I look around my gorgeous surroundings with a new perspective. Perhaps I am worthy of these blessings. With that thought I walk with her to the yard and let her run free and watch as she takes in her new world all the while accepting this new life without question and only living for this moment in time. Her name is Beeja which means the beginning or origin of the soul in Hindu. Is it possible her name and spirit will allow my soul to emerge and let go of past regrets? I am going to try to be like her, to enjoy each moment without harboring doubts and worries that tend to find their way into my mind. Life is short, the suddenness of death brings this lesson too close for all that have experienced great tragedy. However, the life of a little puppy brings a new beginning along with only the happiness they can show with their exuberant energy. I like the name Beeja, it fits her and gives me a reason to count my blessings of which I have many.
With great thanks I send warm regards to my friend Jo who picked the name of Beeja through a contest I had on my FB page Villa Migelita. I believe nothing is a coincidence and Beeja will help my soul emerge. Please follow and like my page http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita to share my continuing journey.