Posted in Colombian life, hummingbirds, nature

An Imperfect World

My rescue hummingbird has passed. It happened suddenly and without warning. Just a couple of days ago he was escaping through the slats of his little cage. He was so active. I had to put a mesh net around his cage so he couldn’t breakout and be killed by a predator. I am not sure why he died, but I knew he wasn’t well anymore. It happened so fast and I wasn’t prepared for it.

I have a cage coming from the USA and some additional food supply that hummingbird rehabilitation experts use. The wonderful thing that has resulted from his care is I will have a nice cage and products  anytime I rescue any  bird at Villa Migelita from this day forward. All of these products sent from loving friends in the United States  and will be in remembrance of Grigio. When I put another bird in this new cage I will have his spirit guiding me. I know this with my heart and soul.

To say I am sad today is an understatement. I awoke to a table without his cage that I have looked at for over a month. The joy of removing the towels I put on his enclosure every night to find him moving and drinking his nectar of smashed insects and sugar in the morning is a wonderful and loving experience in my lifetime. The hope I felt that maybe, just maybe he would be my miracle.

I am sad, frustrated and of course I am blaming myself. If only I had added even more insects to his water. If only I had more resources available to me here in Colombia . If only, if only. I became very attached.

He was fighting to live to the end. His last breaths were in the palm of my hand. He was still charging his wings, which gave me unrealistic hope. I felt he could pull through this with my loving care. I watched as one eye closed but the other eye was wide open and staring at me. That eye kept contact with me until it closed with his final breath inside my palm. So tiny, so precious, so magical. I will never be able to describe adequately the joy he brought to me by being able to care for him.

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Posted in hummingbirds, Uncategorized

The Learning Curve

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I have had a  little hummingbird rescue for a month now. I had no idea what I was doing when I first had him in my care. I had put a towel down in the cage. That is a big NO! He has the tiniest feet as you can see and they can get caught in a towel and can be ripped off. I contacted a wonderful page on Facebook called The Hummingbird Whisperer and was given great advice, except for one rehab specialist who said I had to put him down because of his bad wing. A major drama unfolded: especially since I am not in the United States. I looked for someone to put Grigio down and no one answered me. We have so many hummingbirds in Colombia all year round, no one cares about just one little guy.

I took in all of the advice I was given and did what the experts said (except for killing him). I removed the towel and put paper towels in his cage. I added smashed up insects to his sugar-water. That is not something I enjoy at all! But we have a lot of insects in the Rainforest and he is drinking his water full of mash-up and is getting plenty of protein which is the main staple of the hummingbird diet.

Lilliana 012
Grigio the very first day I rescued him.

Grigio  is doing very well, but he is still not free. I strive to let him go to fly with his friends. He has a wing that is damaged. I carry him everywhere in his little cage. He sometimes holds on to the sides of the cage like he is in prison, reminding me of movies where an inmate grips the bars in misery.

I have a parrot named Luci whom I rescued when she was about 2 months old. Parrots are so social and always in the middle of things going on around them. She has clipped wings but has free run of my farm. She climbs the rose bushes and enters the house. She follows the dogs everywhere, and she shows off for my tourists here at Villa Migelita. She is the mascot of birds here at my Bed and Breakfast!

Luci in the window 008
I see you

With Grigio it is different.  He is not a way for me to give entertainment on my page Villa Migelita. Luci is a rescue, but she lives a very happy life. I am not so sure with Grigio. Seriously, hummingbirds are not really social birds. Hummingbirds fight each other constantly, and none seem to have any bond with others. Perhaps he is fine in his cage with his personal feeder. I can’t tell except when he does that prison break-out move that really freaks me out! I can’t let him go, he cannot fly!

He has become a part of me. I know that is probably not the correct way to view things if you are an actual rehab specialist with birds, or for that matter any animal. I just identify with him so much. He is broken but trying to mend himself. I understand that. I am broken inside. I have been a cracked, collapsed, busted mess for years … ever since my daughter was murdered. I know about feeling imprisoned. I feel that almost everyday of my life. I struggle many days with sadness…but I make myself go out and walk, exercise, Yoga, write, read, study! You name it, I try to do it. So Grigio is a piece of me. His will to live is exactly like my will to live despite horrific life circumstances. So I say “You go Grigio, I have your back! You have a home in my Paradise here at Villa Migelita always”

Every night I put this special ‘gift’ to bed. He sleeps like we do…who knew? He goes to bed at 7 pm and I hear the little whir of his wings at 6 am. I always smile to myself. I wonder if he is a gift from beyond. He is certainly defying all odds. With that I say he is with me now, and I am letting him live each day in the moment. I do the same. I realize that is all we have in life, and so does Grigio.

 

 

 

 

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I Can See His Eyelashes

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Maybe he will live, maybe his wing will heal, maybe I will find redemption in his perfect little being. Maybe none of the above will happen. But I do know he wants to live. I have never cared so long for a hummingbird, except for one that was a tiny baby and you can read about that experience here.

This is Grigio and I am obsessed with his eyelashes. I never realized hummingbirds have them. He does. They make me melt with love. They move my soul. They are why I didn’t listen to the ‘experts’ and did what I wanted to do to help this young hummingbird. His eyes with those tiny eyelashes.

He was dead yesterday when I went to his cage in the morning. I am serious. He was dead. I pulled his lifeless body out from behind his little nest. He was on his back, legs in the air. He was not living anymore. I stroked his head. I told him he was a fighter, and then I detected a small movement. I was sure I was imagining it. I put his tiny beak to the feeder and he moved again. I knew he was coming back to life. One minute more and he would be gone, along with the hope that I attached to him. I will admit he means more to me than I can explain: but I will try.

To me Grigio represents a part of me that will never give up. He is me, I am him. He continues to live despite all the odds. I am like that myself. I am thriving despite the obstacles that are in my way.

Cage
Grigio in his cage until I can release him

I thrive despite the sadness of my past, I thrive from the lessons I have learned from life, I thrive from the delicate balance of life I have lived and the life of my future. I thrive despite all that is thrown at me. Just as Grigio continues to flourish. I do too. It is not something I think about, nor does he. It just is who I am. I am a fighter, so is he. Perhaps, this is a message to me from beyond. I believe in signs.

Grigio is pervasive, he is right there by me in the morning..he is my sign to fight for what I want to achieve. He is my symbol of life and perseverance. He is my light at the end of the tunnel, he is what I believe to be real. He is a miracle. I want to be a miracle to myself. Maybe, just maybe he will be that for me.

Grigio on Misha angel
The angel that sits where my daughter is buried

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Signs from the Universe Surround Me

Signs, we all get them from our loved ones, but do we recognize them? My daughter Misha is very good at making sure I hear and see her messages. Most of her messages involve hummingbirds, but there are other signs that show up when I least expect them in different ways. I read so much on this subject after she was killed, because I know she woke me when she left this world. That early morning of her death, I was startled out of a deep sleep at what I have been told was an immediate death by trauma. I awoke at what is described as the real time of her passing. I actually had mental messages before she passed; but I was not enlightened then. I have changed so much in my thought process these past years. I realize life is a moment in time in a vast universe of unsolved mysteries. I am allowing myself to accept what happens regularly for what they are; signs from the Universe.

They have happened for a long time now, five years! They are what I like to refer to as our 6th sense, a sense not recognized by everyone but one I know exists. These signs are thought processes but also actual happenings that cannot be explained by anyone. I read so much after my daughter was killed, because of what occurred before and after her death. There is so much data by others who share similar experiences. This is a strange phenomenon that no one can explain but many share. We are a group of people who have had tragic loss, near death experiences, or have watched loved ones in their last hours before leaving this world talk to others that we do not see. My beloved mother lived with me the last years of her life and she slowly succumbed to dementia. She had a series of small strokes and she became disabled but was always sweet and loving. She knew who I was but she became isolated into a world of her own. Anyone who has dealt with dementia knows it is difficult to see our loved ones become different, strangers really. Someone you love with all your heart changing before your eyes. When my mother was finally in her last days, she had a two hour stretch when she was my Mom again. She talked with me, told me she loved me and said I had always been a good daughter to her. I felt so blessed to have that moment with her. Then she went back inside her own little world. I watched as she became agitated from talking to people she saw. She was so frail at the end laying in her room in a special hospital bed. She was talking so much and moving that bed with her body. There was a mark on the wall from the bed slamming into it. They were people she knew, she would smile, laugh and mumble. I could not make out her words but I knew she was being called home to be with my father and others who had left this world for a better place. This was was my very first experience into the unknown that many people deny exists. I was never sure what I thought about life after death, but my Mother taught me in her last days there is something else. Who knew four short years later my daughter Misha would be joining her?

When my mother and father had passed I never saw signs. This is not to say they were not around me, it just means I never realized it if they were. My signs from Misha were there even before she passed. A strange phenomena for sure. As I have said in past posts I did not realize or react to them at first. Then unexplained occurrences started happening. My life was a disaster when she died. I was going through a horrible divorce, my house was being foreclosed on because my ex stopped paying the mortgage, I had no idea where I would live and my son was being manipulated and controlled through parental alienation by my ex and his family. I kept trying, and I actually lived one day at a time because I had too. I would sit on my patio and wonder what I could do. I had my beloved animals and there was no way I would give them up. I really did live in the present at that time in my life.

Then I moved to Colombia which you can read about here. Colombia has brought many wonderful and miraculous gifts to me by way of spiritual messages. I have also suffered tragedy and heartbreak while living here. Life does not always give us what we search for but it does give us lessons we then process and use for strength. Last year on Christmas Eve I lost my special dog Taz, he was Misha’s pet. I mourned him like I grieved for her. I felt shut down and exhausted from so many terrible happenings. I came to Colombia to find my true self and pursue my dream of having a Bed and Breakfast. That was a time of sadness for me, one of such discouragement I felt I had made a mistake. I still was struggling with learning Spanish, had only made a few friends here and felt isolated and lonely. The holiday season was gone for me, and I felt it would never be the same. Then I did what I always do, I picked myself up and made the best of the situation I was in. I looked and looked for Taz. Then another unthinkable moment happened, then I felt I was losing every connection I had with Misha, that she was disappearing slowly from my life spiritually. I had an earring that I wore in my second pierced hole that was recovered from her body. I had a special backing on it and I never took it off. One day after looking for Taz on the motorcycle I came home and looked in the mirror and that earring was gone from my ear. I cried like I cried from her death. The New Year came and went, the trial of her killer was postponed for the third time, the blows kept coming. I decided to fly to Baton Rouge and publicize the lack of justice. While I was there I met with Misha’s best friend. She came to the hotel and the first words out of her mouth were “I found something and I want you to have it, I only found one and it was in my car” she then handed me one earring which I recognized immediately! It was the very first earring Misha wore after I had her ears pierced when she was seven! No one knew I had lost that earring, I never could bring myself to talk about it. Now I had a gift from Misha, using another person she loved so much, giving me back an earring for that ear. Gabby cried with disbelief when I told her the story of the other lost earring. The next day I went on TV and publicized the need for a trial for her death, and that earring is prominent in the news story. I wear it all the time and will never take it off.

Anyone who follows my page Villa Migelita on Facebook knows I am surrounded by hummingbirds, they also know these special creatures seek me out continually. I have them fly into my house on such a regular basis it has become normal to me. I now know they are my Spirit Totem and Misha’s way of communicating with me. I have no doubt of this. Last month after I learned that the murderer of my daughter was given a suspended sentence was devastating to me. You can read about it in my last blog here. Another major blow in my life, one I cannot understand nor process. However, Misha is doing her best to comfort me. She never left, I just was so caught up in my sadness that I was not allowing her messages to come to me. This time she was insistent. I have had so many visits by hummingbirds inside my house since this unjust sentence that I have to take notice. I know many of you saw the video of the hummingbird that would not leave, but this time she actually has sent me a hummingbird to care for. Yesterday my worker brought me a baby hummingbird he found in the street almost dead. He had cared for it overnight, then brought it to me first thing in the morning. I was amazed and a bit scared. I knew it was from Misha. What if I did not care for it properly? I read everything on the internet that I could. I do not have access to wildlife foundations here in the mountains. This baby was wet and weak, but I could tell not a super young hummingbird because it had all of its feathers. I knew Mama had fed it well, and I looked for something I could offer in protein that would give this sweet angel the proper nutrition. I read a post from a similar story as mine and the person had given their rescue hummingbird egg yolk. So I boiled just a bit of sugar with egg yolk and started feeding him every 30 minutes. He thrived, his feathers dried out, he started peeping and peeping. He started flying a bit, but I put him a cage because he could not support height and would fall to the ground. As the day went on, he grew more strong. He took his feedings with great energy. You can see a feeding here. As the night was coming on I knew I would be getting close to the last feeding and left him on my lap. Then the most miraculous thing happened. He started to elevate a bit from my lap and then land again. All the while his peeping was so strong. I let him do this. I knew he was getting stronger. He then just flew high and stayed in front of me and before I could blink my eyes he flew out the window to my lemon tree and landed perfectly. I went outside and stood under him. I knew if he could not fly he would take off and fall to the ground. I wanted him to have his freedom and I let nature take its course. He then flew up so high and out of no where his mother joined him, they were together. His mother was outside my house all day listening to his call! Together they flew to my pine tree and I could see them on a branch. The mother was right next to him. I cried tears of joy.

So you see this was another message from my daughter Misha. I believe she sent me the comfort of this special baby for a day to lift my spirits about the lack of justice in her murder. I also believe she wanted me to know someday we will fly off together again just like this baby did with his mother. I went to sleep thinking of the miracles around me. I will truly try to appreciate all moments of my life from this day forward. I will never have an experience that was so profound again. Wait, maybe I will, maybe it will be another miracle she will send me just like this one for the Christmas season. May God Bless her and the angel hummingbirds that never leave my side.