As we age we get wiser. Layers of life. Life, does it continually evolve? Or does it change as we evolve? I often wonder about my own life…the developments that made me who I am now. Sometimes, it is like the past was a dream. I am living completely who I want to be at this time, with a life that many dream they can live. Even the most rich on this Earth don’t have the freedom to enjoy life the way I do now. But I have this underlying sadness. It is like I have had so many stages that all came together and then just stopped when my daughter was murdered.
Then came Colombia. Where I see myself as I should be for the first time. At one with nature and my surroundings. I live with a heart filled with questions, and an eye’s view of all the beauty that surrounds me daily. The questions haunt me always, I feel them prying into my soul every night when I try to have a peaceful nights sleep. Then I awaken with birds singing and mountain views and I find that tiny corner in my mind that allows me to go on. With these life pictures I see every day I am able to overcome a lot of hurt and sadness. I have come to crave solitude as I age. I want silence. I want to feel the Universe vibrate in my soul. I want to find what my life is supposed to mean. Will I ever be able to do this? I don’t know. It is impossible to even say, as each day is like a wave that breaks at the shore of the ocean. A wave that can be fierce from a storm approaching, or soft like a summer evening with a beautiful sunset. Layers of life. Pictures will always speak for me. I take them randomly with no thought besides the image that appears in front of my view. I see so much beauty in simple things now. I wish I could go back and stress that to my children. That you need to live without a need to impress, that you need to live in such a way that you will never be ashamed of who you are, that you need to live without the need to hurt others: even when you have been hurt so badly you feel so angry. That is what I am discovering each time I click my camera, the images are part of me.
I am slowly blooming again. I am taking my life back. It took moving to a new country to discover just who I am. I am a strong woman, I am a mother, grandmother and a person of integrity. I no longer hold in what I feel. If I need to say something I do. I will not ever allow anyone to control or intimidate me. I will be honest, I will also be forgiving to the best of my ability. I will grow stronger each day as my layers unfold. That is who I am now. A person with strength to say what I mean, and to let go of what I need to. I will thrive despite a past that hurts me so much. A past others brought to me, but I tried to fix. It never worked. I will no longer fix anyone but myself, because you just can’t. I have learned that in the layers of myself.
I will continue to do what I need to do, despite the displeasure of others. I no longer care. I only care to do the right thing in a world filled with madness. A world filled with uncertainty and immaturity. A world filled with judgmental people who have no right to judge. I will ignore that and look towards the layers that define me. I will inspire others, and I will show strength and beauty through my photos; photos of many layers. Layers of life, layers that show the sweetness of life, not the adversity. A life I have made by standing tall and proud, no matter what others might say. I have defined my life through these layers and I will continue to do so, no matter how much sadness I endure.