The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 8,800 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
I took a long walk in nature this morning and thought about the last four years of Christmas past. This will be my fifth Christmas without Misha my deceased daughter. My thoughts were all over the place. I thought about my granddaughter who has to live her life never knowing the free spirit that embodied my daughter, I thought about how being a survivor of a murdered child has changed me, and I thought about Christmas day. It is hard for me to enjoy a day that brought so much joy when my children were growing up. Of all the paths I have met during my lifetime, the death of my daughter is the hardest one to walk. I have survived my entire life up until this point. I have survived trauma, heartbreak, devastation. I am still going strong, working towards a new future, opening my Bed and Breakfast Villa Migelita and waking up each morning knowing that I have to live for my daughter and Amaya my granddaughter who will want to know all about her Mommy as she grows up. This Christmas my future does look bright, and I must let go of the negativity that has surrounded me for years. I spent the last five years working on justice for Misha, but I lost because of a corrupt judge and a flawed system in Louisiana. If I let this wrongdoing consume me, then the future I have worked towards will be shrouded in bitterness not happiness. I will no longer allow adversity inside my mind nor my life. This Christmas I want to enjoy the day without the terrible heartache that overtakes me during this time of year. I used to have a tree with so many presents underneath.
This new life I embarked on when I moved to South America has made me realize those presents mean nothing. Health, well-being, our kindness and actions towards others are the most important gifts we can have and give. Christmas day means so much more than opening a present. It is a time of reflection and contemplation about the past year and what we can do to make change in our lives in a valuable way. It is a day of celebration with family and friends, appreciating the very life that God has given to us. I have many new friends here in Colombia. I plan on spending Christmas with those friends and entertaining at Villa Migelita during the holiday weeks. I have decorated Colombian style, and play Christmas music during the days. I put my parrot Luci
on the window in my office and watch her dance to the Christmas carols. These songs bring back many memories of my life before divorce and death wiped out the joy of the season for me. Christmas was always so special at my house when my children were growing up. Christmas can be special for me again, because I will make it that way. The last Christmas I spent with Misha was such a delight, Amaya was just a baby. When I think of the past I will focus only on the wonderful memories of years gone by. There was so much positive, so much love, and Misha would be so proud today if she could see what a lovely child Amaya has turned into. 
So how does one let go? There are many people just like me who have hurt so badly they feel they can never love again, live again, nor keep moving forward, but we do. We grasp the knowledge acquired from misfortune and use that knowledge to become better people. I have not given up on securing justice for Misha, I am just letting go. I think that is what she would want. I am not satisfied I will get my happy ending. Maybe there is no such thing and we find the truth when we leave this world and enter a new dimension. I just know that I have to move forward with an unencumbered mind. I have to let the New Year bring me the possibilities I have worked so hard for. I have to focus on the road ahead, not the road I left.
Signs, we all get them from our loved ones, but do we recognize them? My daughter Misha is very good at making sure I hear and see her messages. Most of her messages involve hummingbirds, but there are other signs that show up when I least expect them in different ways. I read so much on this subject after she was killed, because I know she woke me when she left this world. That early morning of her death, I was startled out of a deep sleep at what I have been told was an immediate death by trauma. I awoke at what is described as the real time of her passing. I actually had mental messages before she passed; but I was not enlightened then. I have changed so much in my thought process these past years. I realize life is a moment in time in a vast universe of unsolved mysteries. I am allowing myself to accept what happens regularly for what they are; signs from the Universe.
They have happened for a long time now, five years! They are what I like to refer to as our 6th sense, a sense not recognized by everyone but one I know exists. These signs are thought processes but also actual happenings that cannot be explained by anyone. I read so much after my daughter was killed, because of what occurred before and after her death. There is so much data by others who share similar experiences. This is a strange phenomenon that no one can explain but many share. We are a group of people who have had tragic loss, near death experiences, or have watched loved ones in their last hours before leaving this world talk to others that we do not see. My beloved mother lived with me the last years of her life and she slowly succumbed to dementia. She had a series of small strokes and she became disabled but was always sweet and loving. She knew who I was but she became isolated into a world of her own. Anyone who has dealt with dementia knows it is difficult to see our loved ones become different, strangers really. Someone you love with all your heart changing before your eyes. When my mother was finally in her last days, she had a two hour stretch when she was my Mom again. She talked with me, told me she loved me and said I had always been a good daughter to her. I felt so blessed to have that moment with her. Then she went back inside her own little world. I watched as she became agitated from talking to people she saw. She was so frail at the end laying in her room in a special hospital bed. She was talking so much and moving that bed with her body. There was a mark on the wall from the bed slamming into it. They were people she knew, she would smile, laugh and mumble. I could not make out her words but I knew she was being called home to be with my father and others who had left this world for a better place. This was was my very first experience into the unknown that many people deny exists. I was never sure what I thought about life after death, but my Mother taught me in her last days there is something else. Who knew four short years later my daughter Misha would be joining her?
When my mother and father had passed I never saw signs. This is not to say they were not around me, it just means I never realized it if they were. My signs from Misha were there even before she passed. A strange phenomena for sure. As I have said in past posts I did not realize or react to them at first. Then unexplained occurrences started happening. My life was a disaster when she died. I was going through a horrible divorce, my house was being foreclosed on because my ex stopped paying the mortgage, I had no idea where I would live and my son was being manipulated and controlled through parental alienation by my ex and his family. I kept trying, and I actually lived one day at a time because I had too. I would sit on my patio and wonder what I could do. I had my beloved animals and there was no way I would give them up. I really did live in the present at that time in my life.
Then I moved to Colombia which you can read about here. Colombia has brought many wonderful and miraculous gifts to me by way of spiritual messages. I have also suffered tragedy and heartbreak while living here. Life does not always give us what we search for but it does give us lessons we then process and use for strength. Last year on Christmas Eve I lost my special dog Taz, he was Misha’s pet. I mourned him like I grieved for her. I felt shut down and exhausted from so many terrible happenings. I came to Colombia to find my true self and pursue my dream of having a Bed and Breakfast. That was a time of sadness for me, one of such discouragement I felt I had made a mistake. I still was struggling with learning Spanish, had only made a few friends here and felt isolated and lonely. The holiday season was gone for me, and I felt it would never be the same. Then I did what I always do, I picked myself up and made the best of the situation I was in. I looked and looked for Taz. Then another unthinkable moment happened, then I felt I was losing every connection I had with Misha, that she was disappearing slowly from my life spiritually. I had an earring that I wore in my second pierced hole that was recovered from her body. I had a special backing on it and I never took it off. One day after looking for Taz on the motorcycle I came home and looked in the mirror and that earring was gone from my ear. I cried like I cried from her death. The New Year came and went, the trial of her killer was postponed for the third time, the blows kept coming. I decided to fly to Baton Rouge and publicize the lack of justice. While I was there I met with Misha’s best friend. She came to the hotel and the first words out of her mouth were “I found something and I want you to have it, I only found one and it was in my car” she then handed me one earring which I recognized immediately! It was the very first earring Misha wore after I had her ears pierced when she was seven! No one knew I had lost that earring, I never could bring myself to talk about it. Now I had a gift from Misha, using another person she loved so much, giving me back an earring for that ear. Gabby cried with disbelief when I told her the story of the other lost earring. The next day I went on TV and publicized the need for a trial for her death, and that earring is prominent in the news story. I wear it all the time and will never take it off.
Anyone who follows my page Villa Migelita on Facebook knows I am surrounded by hummingbirds, they also know these special creatures seek me out continually. I have them fly into my house on such a regular basis it has become normal to me. I now know they are my Spirit Totem and Misha’s way of communicating with me. I have no doubt of this. Last month after I learned that the murderer of my daughter was given a suspended sentence was devastating to me. You can read about it in my last blog here. Another major blow in my life, one I cannot understand nor process. However, Misha is doing her best to comfort me. She never left, I just was so caught up in my sadness that I was not allowing her messages to come to me. This time she was insistent. I have had so many visits by hummingbirds inside my house since this unjust sentence that I have to take notice. I know many of you saw the video of the hummingbird that would not leave, but this time she actually has sent me a hummingbird to care for. Yesterday my worker brought me a baby hummingbird he found in the street almost dead. He had cared for it overnight, then brought it to me first thing in the morning. I was amazed and a bit scared. I knew it was from Misha. What if I did not care for it properly? I read everything on the internet that I could. I do not have access to wildlife foundations here in the mountains. This baby was wet and weak, but I could tell not a super young hummingbird because it had all of its feathers. I knew Mama had fed it well, and I looked for something I could offer in protein that would give this sweet angel the proper nutrition. I read a post from a similar story as mine and the person had given their rescue hummingbird egg yolk. So I boiled just a bit of sugar with egg yolk and started feeding him every 30 minutes. He thrived, his feathers dried out, he started peeping and peeping. He started flying a bit, but I put him a cage because he could not support height and would fall to the ground. As the day went on, he grew more strong. He took his feedings with great energy. You can see a feeding here. As the night was coming on I knew I would be getting close to the last feeding and left him on my lap. Then the most miraculous thing happened. He started to elevate a bit from my lap and then land again. All the while his peeping was so strong. I let him do this. I knew he was getting stronger. He then just flew high and stayed in front of me and before I could blink my eyes he flew out the window to my lemon tree and landed perfectly. I went outside and stood under him. I knew if he could not fly he would take off and fall to the ground. I wanted him to have his freedom and I let nature take its course. He then flew up so high and out of no where his mother joined him, they were together. His mother was outside my house all day listening to his call! Together they flew to my pine tree and I could see them on a branch. The mother was right next to him. I cried tears of joy.
So you see this was another message from my daughter Misha. I believe she sent me the comfort of this special baby for a day to lift my spirits about the lack of justice in her murder. I also believe she wanted me to know someday we will fly off together again just like this baby did with his mother. I went to sleep thinking of the miracles around me. I will truly try to appreciate all moments of my life from this day forward. I will never have an experience that was so profound again. Wait, maybe I will, maybe it will be another miracle she will send me just like this one for the Christmas season. May God Bless her and the angel hummingbirds that never leave my side.
How to describe this tree? It is old , barely alive and yet it brings so much joy to my life.
I watch my tree as I lay in bed while the dawn arises. I watch in the afternoon when I meditate, or as the sun goes down and I get ready for bed. I see so many birds, they always stop on their journeys and rest a while in my tree. They play and they fight, they search for insects, and they always sing their songs of happiness. This tree has come to mean a lot to me. The day I found out the murderer of my daughter would face no punishment I went to my room to just stare at my tree. I needed peace. I needed to be taken away from the anger seething inside me. I needed my tree. Now I am looking at my tree as I write, trying to make sense of why this judge ignored all of your letters. She is supposed to consider them, but she gave the least possible sentence she could to this murderer instead. I am still trying to process this lack of justice, so I go to my tree. I watch my birds land and take off, wishing I could soar with them for a while.
I had many people try to talk me into taking this tree down when I repaired my lake. I understood: this is an old avocado tree, never to produce again, and barely alive. It still has roots that interfere with the wall that surrounds the lake, but I had to say “NO way!” It is the tree of life at Villa Migelita. It is the resting place for all the birds that pass by. This tree is my sanctuary and my place of peace as well as theirs. How could I ever take it down? There are many trees so close by, beautiful pines, banana trees, heliconia, a beautiful lake with flowering plants right there; but they go to this half dead tree, the birds of Villa Migelita. There are so many species of birds who share my tree, hummingbirds,
finches, doves, woodpeckers, tanagers, parrots, blue-black grosbeaks, red birds, blue birds, highland motmots, colorful little birds that I will never know their names, they all stop and rest, they sing or they work like this pileated woodpecker . This is my tree of life, it is the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at as the day darkens into night. 
It is more than the birds, it is the butterflies too. They are always swirling and dancing nearby. This tree reminds me of a painting
I bought many years ago from a Colombian artist. I bought this painting when my daughter Misha was a little girl. When I first saw Villa Migelita, I thought this tree is so like the one in my painting. Look at this picture I took the day I first visited my soon to be home, it has an orb of light in it, right next to my tree.
My tree is there for me always, it will not leave me unless the Universe takes it away, just like the Universe allowed this judge to give a murderer the most minimum sentence she could. Here is an email address to register a complaint about Judge Trudy White. I know she received thousands of letters which she ignored! Hopefully the Supreme Court of Louisiana will look at your letters. I ask you to just do this one thing. Let us remove Judge Trudy White from the bench because she allows criminals to walk free while the dead lay buried without justice: osc@lasc.org. Share your thoughts on her record which this is just a small part of her rulings: http://theadvocate.com/news/7813059-123/ebr-judge-defends-sentence-criticized
>
> http://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/p/53611062/if-you-kill-someone-in-a-hit-and-run-and-try-to-get-car-repaired-claiming-u-hit/
> Includes:
> “Lets make sure we are up to date on Judge Trudy White’s scorecard:
> 1. Kelsye Hall – 5 counts of negligent homicide – Sentenced to 2 years! (thats
about 5 months per homicide) by Judge Trudy White
> 2. Dalvin Sewell (Lengthy violent criminal history including arrest for 2nd
degree murder) – Convicted of 1st Degree Robbery which carries up to 40 years –
Sentenced to the minimum 3 years by Judge Trudy White.
> 3. Princess Beachem – Did cocaine while carrying a child, who died as a result
– Arrested for Feticide – Charge dropped by Judge Trudy White.
> and lets not forget:
> 4. Aramis Jackson – Arrested in 2009 for a weapons charge – Charge dropped by
Judge Trudy White. White told Jackson to perform acts of kindness. His first act
of kindness was killing Alexandra Engler and shooting her 9 year old daughter
several times before stealing their TV.”
>
>
> https://cases.justia.com/louisiana/first-circuit-court-of-appeal/2010ka2092-1.pdf?ts=1387486121
> Judge White sentencing error: “illegally lenient sentence”
>
>
> http://www.katc.com/news/woman-freed-after-judge-rejects-feticide-charge/
> http://www.katc.com/news/woman-gets-two-years-for-wreck-that-killed-five/
You can say you sent a letter in your complaint. She allows Christian Cvitanvich to walk out of the court with a prior DUI and thousands of letters written to her on my daughter’s behalf, and look at the links I posted!. A video that was very powerful which you can see here from me because I was so sick with shingles and could not travel. I have had new outbreaks of the shingles, nothing major, but imagine if I had traveled 15 hours to hear she let him go free, I do not want to think of my reaction and my bodies reaction! Now the next thing I ask is to copy and paste these links above to the media. Whomever you watch, send them an email. Tell them of this judge and of Louisiana, the 2nd most corrupt state in the United States. Maybe all of us together can still make a difference. I am not ready to let go yet, and I hope you are not ready to let it go. We can change things if we try. I am doing this for Misha’s daughter Amaya, I want her to always remember how much her mother was loved, and how much I want justice. It is not revenge, I want to make this clear, it is #JUSTICEFORMISHA. I would also like to see the other victims that this judge had no regard for get some much needed peace. Please help me try to remove her from the bench.
When you write the email osc@lasc.org they will send you a form to fill out. I needed to supply information for that form which I am updating for my followers. This is the Judicial Commission of Louisiana where you make complaints about a sitting judge. The case number is 03-10-0215 The case title is: The State of Louisiana vs Christian Cvitinovich. The Judge who we are making a complaint about is Judge Trudy White of The East Baton Rouge Parish. Your status: citizen. Explanation of complaint. You need only write in that you have seen the lenient sentences she gives TO GUILTY PARTIES (THE ABOVE LINKS CAN GIVE YOU ENOUGH INFORMATION TO WRITE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS) AND THAT YOU FEEL SHE IS UN-QUALIFIED TO BE SERVING THE PEOPLE SHE REPRESENTS. My daughter is Mikel Cara Carson (google her name and you will see articles on the death) and Christian Cvitanovich killed her and admitted to it and pled to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He had a prior DUI which if you look at the statute it says a minimum of 5 years in jail to a maximum of 20 years. He was given this sentence: 10 years suspended, 5 yrs Active Supervised Probation with 75 hrs Community Service each of those 5 years. I am sure you will agree that like the above links this is ridiculous and he literally ‘got away with murder’, as did others listed in the above links that Judge Trudy White has sentenced. Write this down on the form you get in the mail. Thank you in advance for your time in helping me. You can also call the Judicial Commission at 504 568 8299504 568 8299 and they can send you the form of complaint.
Please come and visit my page Villa Migelita on Facebook. I share a lot of my birds, animals and love of nature which has helped me in my quest for peace. http://www.facebook.com/VillaMigelita
I have thought a lot about my daughter lately. It will be 5 years in January since she died. I think about how time just goes by; and I think about what she would be doing if she was still here on this Earth. I think about the sentencing of the killer next week. I think about how hard I have worked to bring justice for the death of my daughter. I think about the corruption in Louisiana and if all the letters sent will actually help. I worry that some back door deal has taken place between the prosecution and the defense. I worry about the prosecutor and victims advocate who have never really been on board with me ever since they realized how hard I was working to get a trial for my daughter who is the victim. I think about how messed up the laws are in the USA that the defendant has more rights than the victim. If a petition had not been sent to the senator of Louisiana I still would be fighting to get a trial. That petition (in my opinion) most likely influenced the monster who killed my daughter and left her on the side of the road,
made him realize I was never going to let him live his life without facing punishment for killing another person. He pled ‘no contest’ to felony hit and run with serious injury or death. He has still not shown remorse nor acknowledged his guilt in my daughter’s death. I think of the toll this fight has taken on my health. I have had so many health problems since the murder. Nothing life threatening; just chronic problems that interrupt my life. I really am not a complainer and have lived with these problems and continued my life and my pursuit of justice no matter what. I have done what was necessary to bring this subhuman to a place where he is now to be sentenced. Still I worry; that worry caused me to get shingles. Shingles is keeping me away from the sentencing. I have decided that I can not travel 15 hours by airplane to make my statement to the court. Anyone who has had shingles knows the pain and danger that they bring. After much contemplation, along with seeing doctor’s about their thoughts, and many stories from kind people who follow my page Villa Migelita on Facebook I came to the only real decision there was to make. I can not go. Some might not agree, and I understand that, but it would put me in danger for more bad consequences to my health, and to others around me.
Now that I made my decision, I am a bit more at peace. I am continuing to work on getting this man sentenced to the maximum penalty through the internet, which has done well for me thus far. I wonder though has the judge made up her mind already? Has he bought his freedom? It is really strange how the victims advocate is responding to my simple requests. Actually, she has only responded a couple of times and that is to do what she always does; discourage me from what I am doing. When I sent her the sentence guidelines for what the murderer should get, she wrote me back that is not a guarantee. When I sent her the statute about how the DA can put in a motion for my video statement she wrote back she would pass it along but could not guarantee this. When I told her I wrote the judge that I could not attend due to my health problems, she wrote back I should not have written the judge. Imagine that! The person who is to be advocating for me is actually discouraging me! She actually is saying I should not exercise my right to free speech, she is discouraging me from advocating for my daughter! This is what I have been up against for almost five years now. It really does make me worry, and this is why I have shingles. I believe all my efforts might be for nothing because I think they have some sort of deal that has been in place since he pled ‘no contest’ and nothing I do will change that. So I am writing it down. I think all who read my blog and follow my page need to know what I suspect. I also want to include my Impact statement which will be to be read in court. I hope it is. Oh, and she also said to me perhaps the video will be given to the judge to view outside of the courtroom and not at sentencing. Why not at the sentencing? It is all so fishy, it is all so wrong. What is the big deal of showing a short video so that the murderer can hear my voice? The voice of her mother?
Here is my written Victim Impact statement, I tried to keep it brief so the court could not say it was too long:
“I received a call from my soon to be ex-husband around 11:30 PM the night of her murder. My daughter Mikel Cara Carson stopped to help a person she saw hit by a car. Then the defendant Christian Cvitanvich hit that car, and my daughter’s body was thrown and allegedly killed instantly. How, though, will we ever know if she actually died immediately? If the defendant had stopped and tried to help, if he had called 911 immediately, if he had done the right thing, we would have answers to these questions. When asked how I am affected, these questions come repeatedly to my mind. Did she suffer as she lay on the side of the road until the sun came up and someone called in her body? It is a torment I wish on no one. I struggle every single day with questions about that night. I struggle with the fact it took 12 hours to discover who she was and that she lay in a morgue unidentified while her baby daughter was calling for her at home. I struggle with the fact that my son has never been the same since her death and has left his once promising life of a good education to now barely getting a GED. I struggle with the anger that surrounded me after her death: the anger of my son, the anger of my ex-husband and all my daughter’s friends, the anger of the father of her daughter. I struggle with what would have been a promising life for her, taken from her in a moment. A moment when she chose to help someone. Think about that. My daughter Mikel was helping someone. She was killed while doing a good deed. Now I have moved to get away from all the horrible consequences that have resulted from that night when she was left abandoned and alone on the side of Highway I-10. As the reality of her death unfolded, I saw people I had known for many years change. They became angry, they did things they would not normally do, they took their anger out in ways that were not healthy and were destructive. My son to this day is not living the life I had hoped for him to live, nor has he agreed to counseling. My ex-husband got re-married and is now divorcing again. The father of my granddaughter is in jail, leaving my granddaughter without either parent. Me, I am rebuilding my life and living for her and what she would have experienced if she had not been taken so suddenly on that fateful night. There is not a moment I do not think of her since she was murdered. Everything I do, I do with the intent of giving my granddaughter Amaya a better life as she grows up. I worry for my granddaughter: I worry that I am the only one who tells her about her Mommy and how she grew up. I worry that Amaya will become angry as she grows older because she is without either parent now, and she has no real memories of her mother except those I give her through photos and memories. I have had counseling for her death, but still my health has suffered. I have had to wear a retainer for a year to re-adjust my jaw after grinding my teeth so badly at night while I slept. I have never had a good nights sleep since learning of her murder. I have had continuous health problems: recurring urinary tract infections, vertigo brought on by a virus that attacked my inner ear, and now that same virus attacking my body by way of shingles which has made it impossible for me to travel to this sentencing, a virus known to be only brought on by extreme stress. I believe that this stress of trying to bring justice for my daughter and her death has caused these problems. I am devastated that I can not be there in person to say this while looking at Christian Cvitanvich, who has never shown remorse for taking my daughter from so many that loved her. I want him to know her daughter will turn 7 in January and he left her motherless. Her brother will be 20, the age of Mikel when she died, and is suffering inside so much that he can not live a normal life, nor has he moved on like others would his age. Cvitanvich has left many saddened friends and relatives who still can make no sense of the needless death of a young mother who was only 20 but going to school to better herself, while also working, for her beloved daughter Amaya. I ask the court to give the maximum sentence under the guidelines described for this crime. He needs to have punishment for the crime of killing an innocent young mother who had stopped to help another human being. Why did he not do the same when he hit Mikel? Ask yourself that? He was most likely drunk. The selfishness about his future took priority over helping another human being. I wish my daughter had been selfish that night and not stopped, as she would still be alive. I wish that with all my heart. I will never be free of the terrible anxiety I get when I think “if only” she kept driving home to her precious daughter.”
The above statement is the real side of grief. Grief is not something that can get better with time, grief is with a person always. It stays, it lingers, it does not change. The only thing that changes is the person who experiences the grief. They have to make choices. They need to decide if they will grow stronger using the sadness inside of them to help others in the same situation, or if they will keep it inside and hide the sadness. They need to decide if they will fight to live a normal life, or grow depressed and withdraw from life. They need to work every single day to stay healthy and to have some sort of happiness, a happiness that is stripped from them by death. I have chosen to move forward. I am not always successful, but I am trying. This is the real side of grief.
There is still time for those who have not done so to fax a letter to the Honorable Judge Trudy White. Please be respectful and ask for the sentence to be the maximum under the guidelines. Every letter makes a difference and she has to consider them. This is the fax number: 225 389 4737.
