Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Colombia, Colombian life, expat life, nature, Perfection and Peace

Being Alone vs Loneliness

When I moved to Colombia I was in a place of need. I needed rejuvenation of my spirit. I needed to get away from some awful lies and innuendos that were circulated by people I knew and loved. I can never say enough about how gossip can really hurt a person, especially when the true story is not known nor shared by the one who (me) was being trashed regularly. I really cared what people thought back then. I was always trying to defend myself. I wanted the truth to be known. Guess what? No one really cares. They love a good story, especially if it makes them feel better about themselves.

Do you know what makes a difference? Your own actions. They show people who you are not what they gossiped about. Your actions show the truth. Of course when someone is at the bottom like I was, you can only go upwards, which I have. However, there are still the haters. They are miserable in their own lives and want others to be the same. To them I say this: I wish them the best that they can find in their lives, I wish for them to find what I have found out. Life is about being a leader not a follower, life is about choosing your own path without worry about what other’s might say, life is only good for you if you are healthy in your mind and your spirit. My mantra is “don’t complain about what is past, make the most of what is now” I do believe I am doing this. I am living a life of purposeful meaning.

Now, I know many still condemn me for leaving my son at the age of 16 to ┬ámove to Colombia. I want to address that because if I was a man, then I wouldn’t be chastised for this decision. A big part of my life after my daughter’s death were the selections I made based on my situation at the time. I left because I could not win. I couldn’t then and maybe not even now. Life is to be enjoyed not endured. I want to emphasize this sentence because I was enduring my life during my divorce and the death of my daughter. I was enduring my life! I repeat this for those who are doing the same. Enduring your life is not living your life. You must be a bit selfish to come out ahead with any sort of growth. You must embrace yourself to embrace others. You must show who you are to the world. If we fill our lives with our real passions and purpose, and spend less time looking for approval then we can get further along a path of self-awareness.

Some nights you may lie awake thinking about the past, I do this often. It is sad for me to remember my sweet children when they were young and my marriage was happy. Then life happens. It just happens. You can’t control it. Even when you try so hard. But I have found regret leads you nowhere. It leads you to loneliness. It leads you to stairs that can never be climbed.

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The stairs of your future are in front of you

Those stairs of regret lead you to more regret and then you are overwhelmed with what your life could have been, should have been. But who is to say what life will be? I would never in 100 million years think I would end up in a country that had such a bad reputation. A country I can relate to. A country that has redeemed itself. As have I. So maybe my path of being alone, which equaled loneliness now shows me that being alone is not such a bad thing when you come out ahead.

I am alone without a life partner, but I am not lonely. I have had two marriages and one really amazing love affair, along with a journey to Colombia with a love who is now a friend. I have known true love with all, including my children. But the most important love is to find yourself and to love yourself. To give 100% to yourself. I have done that in these past years. I have meditated and thought about so many things. One is moving to Colombia. I still pinch myself when I wake up and see the beauty I am surrounded by.

 

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Misha

Another year goes by and I have not seen justice for my daughter. Four years ago on Jan 31, 2010 my daughter was killed when she got out of her car to try to help a car she saw struck on highway I-10 in Louisiana. She was driving home from work in the early morning hours and saw a car get hit. She pulled her car over and ran to knock on the window to see if the woman driving was ok. As she was knocking on the window another car entered the highway from an exit ramp and hit that car again, my daughter was thrown to her death.The girl she tried to help drove away and called 911 and never mentioned my daughter. The guy who hit her kept driving. Her body was on the side of the road for hours until the morning traffic started and someone called in to the police to report seeing her laying there. Pieces of his car were left at the scene. He was caught within 2 weeks because the body shop he took his car to, miles away, called to report a car being fixed as per law in Louisiana. They found my daughter’s DNA on the car. He was arrested and remains free four years now on bail. He is from a wealthy New Orleans family and there are a million questions I want to ask about that night, and why after four years there has not been a trial.

Question number one: “Why did you call 911 and not mention my daughter?” this to the woman who drove away and left my daughter dead, she gave her life trying to help you.
Question number two: “Did you know Misha?” I can not imagine my intelligent daughter getting out of her car on an interstate without knowing the person, however she had a kind heart so this could be possible, but she was a mother of a 2-year-old. I still can not fathom her putting her life at risk because she loved her daughter with all her heart and soul.
Question number three: “Did you and the man who killed my daughter know each other and her also?” I have found the whole story of her death so full of holes. It is a constant thought in my mind. “Did they all know each other?”
Question number four: “Does the prosecutor plan on bringing into the trial that the county coroner who handled my daughter’s autopsy is the defendant’s relative?” I found out that they are related. I would think this would be prejudicial, to say the least.
Question number four: “Will this trial actually go forward on March 17th as told to me by the victim’s advocate assigned to this case?” Four DAMN YEARS! I am sorry but I am angry! Why? People lose memory in that amount of time. I keep being told to back off, to let it go, to not hurt the case. “Louisiana law is different, we have the Napoleonic code.” I say “This is my daughter my child, the mother of my granddaughter, she deserves justice!”
Question number five: “Why is this defendant getting to live his life normally, like he never killed a daughter, sister, mother?” He acts like he did nothing, his family has money “is he buying his way out of being prosecuted?” Seriously? 35,000 bail for taking a life? I think he should have been in jail until the trial, not living a life while my daughter is dead. Perhaps if he was in jail we would have seen a trial by now!
Question number six: “Am I going to see the woman who my daughter tried to help testify, what is her name, please PLEASE let me find out why she did not call in my daughter’s death and let her lie on the road for hours, dead!” I want to look at this woman while she testifies about that night. I want to get the image of my daughter dead on that road out of my mind, but it is there with me everyday. A story on the internet had a photo of Misha dead on the interstate, taken after she was found. I hate that she lay there for hours. It is devastating to me.
Question number seven: “Will this trial actually take place in March?” The trial has been postponed twice due to the defense posturing. Makes me wonder who is being paid off. Just saying.
Question number eight: “Can little old me make a difference in this injustice?” I say yes! I need help with those who follow my blog to make noise if I do not see a trial in March for her death.

This is my request. I ask all of you to remember Mikel Cara Carson from this day forward in your thoughts and prayers. Whatever you believe, just think about her, about her daughter she left behind, her brother who still grieves so greatly he is never going to be the same. Remember that when something like this happens people are affected. WE are never the same, but we continue to live because we have no choice but to go on with this unfathomable grief in our hearts. We deserve to see justice in this case, it has been four years. We have waited long enough. Please share this blog with your friends and family. I am just sharing one story of injustice in this great world, but it is so necessary for me to see her get her day in court . If the trial is postponed yet again I will write another blog with the District Attorney’s address. We can all write him, and we can share this to news outlets, to twitter, to Facebook. We can make a difference. All I ask for is a trial. Just a trial. Let it happen for my daughter who gave her life trying to help someone that night on Jan 31st 2010.

The trial is scheduled to start on March 17th. Here is a link to the story published in the Sun-Sentinal: http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2010-02-17/news/fl-louisiana-hit-and-run-20100216_1_deerfield-
If they postpone this trial once again, I will be calling on everyone to help me make this injustice public. I leave you with two photo’s. One is of Misha (Mikel Cara) before her death, and the other is her daughter Amaya. Amaya turned 6 this month. She is a lovely child who was just two years old when her mother was killed.
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Misha