Being Alone vs Loneliness

When I moved to Colombia I was in a place of need. I needed rejuvenation of my spirit. I needed to get away from some awful lies and innuendos that were circulated by people I knew and loved. I can never say enough about how gossip can really hurt a person, especially when the true story is not known nor shared by the one who (me) was being trashed regularly. I really cared what people thought back then. I was always trying to defend myself. I wanted the truth to be known. Guess what? No one really cares. They love a good story, especially if it makes them feel better about themselves.

Do you know what makes a difference? Your own actions. They show people who you are not what they gossiped about. Your actions show the truth. Of course when someone is at the bottom like I was, you can only go upwards, which I have. However, there are still the haters. They are miserable in their own lives and want others to be the same. To them I say this: I wish them the best that they can find in their lives, I wish for them to find what I have found out. Life is about being a leader not a follower, life is about choosing your own path without worry about what other’s might say, life is only good for you if you are healthy in your mind and your spirit. My mantra is “don’t complain about what is past, make the most of what is now” I do believe I am doing this. I am living a life of purposeful meaning.

Now, I know many still condemn me for leaving my son at the age of 16 to  move to Colombia. I want to address that because if I was a man, then I wouldn’t be chastised for this decision. A big part of my life after my daughter’s death were the selections I made based on my situation at the time. I left because I could not win. I couldn’t then and maybe not even now. Life is to be enjoyed not endured. I want to emphasize this sentence because I was enduring my life during my divorce and the death of my daughter. I was enduring my life! I repeat this for those who are doing the same. Enduring your life is not living your life. You must be a bit selfish to come out ahead with any sort of growth. You must embrace yourself to embrace others. You must show who you are to the world. If we fill our lives with our real passions and purpose, and spend less time looking for approval then we can get further along a path of self-awareness.

Some nights you may lie awake thinking about the past, I do this often. It is sad for me to remember my sweet children when they were young and my marriage was happy. Then life happens. It just happens. You can’t control it. Even when you try so hard. But I have found regret leads you nowhere. It leads you to loneliness. It leads you to stairs that can never be climbed.

Those stairs of regret lead you to more regret and then you are overwhelmed with what your life could have been, should have been. But who is to say what life will be? I would never in 100 million years think I would end up in a country that had such a bad reputation. A country I can relate to. A country that has redeemed itself. As have I. So maybe my path of being alone, which equaled loneliness now shows me that being alone is not such a bad thing when you come out ahead.

I am alone without a life partner, but I am not lonely. I have had two marriages and one really amazing love affair, along with a journey to Colombia with a love who is now a friend. I have known true love with all, including my children. But the most important love is to find yourself and to love yourself. To give 100% to yourself. I have done that in these past years. I have meditated and thought about so many things. One is moving to Colombia. I still pinch myself when I wake up and see the beauty I am surrounded by.