Posted in child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, family, Grief, life lessons, love, Nature Symbolism, parents of deceased children, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized

A Dream

The cover photo is Villa Migelita Ecolodge the very first time I visited. I had been looking at many properties and I knew immediately when I saw this Villa it was the place I had been waiting to find.

villa-migelita-072
This photo was also taken on my first visit, look at the Orb. Misha is with me here. She is in a parallel universe, but she shows up sometimes and I cannot ignore the signs. A definite angel in the light of my photo.

I loved the Italian style look of this old Villa, I loved the wildness and the mountain views. I wanted to live in a climate that had no need for air conditioning. I enjoy the tranquility of my Villa which is now a legal hotel in the rain forest of Colombia. I could see it was just in need of some loving attention. Butterfly video and photos 008

The American and Colombian flags fly high

Today Misha would be 29 years old. Yesterday I went to where she is buried in her special garden to talk to her. I don’t do this often because I see her special resting area all the time, and I feel her presence. Today, I felt her drawing me to the garden where a simple angel marks her resting place. The angel was turned on its side. I sat it upright and thought she wanted me to do this. She is around me in her soul presence. When I feel especially sad she sends me a hummingbird, and always the same kind. She sent one on Friday. It is the Long billed hermit hummingbird of Colombia. My housekeeper called me because she found it in my office. Always they enter my office, and always the same species. Misha knows this is my place to write and to watch all of my hummingbirds. The interesting part is this species do not ever use the feeders, I rarely see them from the window of my office: except one comes almost every morning and looks at me through the window for a moment and leaves.

I recently wrote a blog about a time when Misha and I were having problems. All these times seem so long ago. But they exist and need to be written down so that many who were cruel to me during the time of her death know how cruel they actually were. I am writing for my healing.  It is not true that one gets over a death of a beloved person as years pass. It is also not the truth that even if the person who has died did horrible things to you, your love didn’t exist. What is true is you feel confusion about the grief you carry inside for the rest of your life. I still have my memories of all the wonderful times from my life with her, but I have awful memories too. That is why I’m writing these blogs in preparation for the book that I’m writing simultaneously. I want to be clear about how a child that took me to the depths of despair was also one who took me to the heights of love.

Recently I had a dream where she came to me. It has been so long since this has happened. I was back in time, the time when I was preparing for my move to Colombia. I was in her room, and I was boxing things and they were from many years of redecorating her room. Remember, this is a dream and actually the room had been empty of her personal possessions for a long time, but in my dream it was the way her room looked the last time it had been redecorated. I felt deep and unrelenting sadness as I picked up items that brought memories with them. I could see the colors of sheets, the stripes in these floor cushions she had, the curtains that covered her closet. It was all so detailed. Then she appeared and was just watching. Tears were falling from her eyes, and we made eye contact. Her hair was blond like in high school. She gave me her lips together half-smile as the tears fell. Then the tears became snowflakes frozen on her face and I woke up.

As I lay in the darkness on my bed I tried to go back to sleep and to the dream, just to see her again. I wanted to understand why the snowflakes? I understood the tears, as I had them falling down my face when I awoke. She feels badly about how she left this world and me. We had a love that transcended the bad times, a love that was flawed but real. A love that no one can take from me with gossip or lies about the actual reality of our relationship. The reality she knew and the truth of the last years of her life when she changed so dramatically.

The significance of this dream is something I will never know, but I realize she is sad for me. She is also in my sphere of the Universe still. This dream makes me realize that my dream of having a hotel and continuing on with my life as best I can is the best way to deal with such deep rooted memories of another lifetime. A situation I carry inside me. Until I write everything down, I will feel incomplete.

Maybe the snowflakes mean she is frozen in time, somewhat like myself. Even though I have accomplished so much, I continue to transmit to those around me, pieces of myself that Misha shattered and left me to deal with. By writing this on the day she was born 29 years ago, I am committing myself to telling the truth, the good and the bad. The joy that I felt  that day when she entered this world was transcendent, the sadness I felt when she left this world was transcendent.

Her birthday holds more significance than her death day, because she had the world and life before her. She made wrong choices as she grew into her teen years. She left me alone to deal with all of it after she was killed. My way of getting on with my life is certainly controversial to some, and maybe to others quite impressive. Whatever may be in anyone’s minds is not of importance to me. What is important is that Misha didn’t have the chance to grow into the woman she should have become and live her life as a mother, sister, and a daughter. With that I wish her a Happy Birthday and can only hope she is still actually with me, because she came to me in a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in child death, Colombian life, Perfection and Peace, Uncategorized

A Thin Line

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/narrow/

Life isn’t a narrow path upon which we walk in a certain direction. Life is curves and loops, a winding road to a quest which is impossible to predict. We can try our hardest to obtain our desires, but then something changes and so do we. We have to adapt to what is given to us.

We can take any direction, thinking it is the right one. But along comes a bump and that deviation changes everything forever. What we get is often not what we expect nor what we have planned for. We need to adapt. We need to think broadly in terms of our future. We can’t be limited in our observations of life and the world. We must be open to all possibilities.

There are lines we should not cross, immoral ones. Those are the exceptions. We have to stay true to our own moral compass and find our own truths. But we cannot follow a thin line. To follow that line without an ability to change is to become stuck without  experiencing everything you need to see in a life that can be way too short.

If we look at life in such a way that we know it is fleeting, then we can expand and grow. We can find ourselves even when we feel everything is falling apart. Because we are

First Visit to Colombia
Having fun driving in the mountains!

the future, we have free will.

That is how I have adapted to the death of my daughter. I know she had free will. I was not responsible for her choices as she matured. I did my best, but I am still haunted. I always will be. I will never know if I could have changed the outcome. I will always think about the thin line.

Posted in Uncategorized

Christmas Musings

I took a long walk in nature this morning and thought about the last four years of Christmas past. This will be my fifth Christmas without Misha my deceased daughter. My thoughts were all over the place. I thought about my granddaughter who has to live her life never knowing the free spirit that embodied my daughter, I thought about how being a survivor of a murdered child has changed me, and I thought about Christmas day. It is hard for me to enjoy a day that brought so much joy when my children were growing up. Of all the paths I have met during my lifetime, the death of my daughter is the hardest one to walk. I have survived my entire life up until this point. I have survived trauma, heartbreak, devastation. I am still going strong, working towards a new future, opening my Bed and Breakfast Villa Migelita and waking up each morning knowing that I have to live for my daughter and Amaya my granddaughter who will want to know all about her Mommy as she grows up. This Christmas my future does look bright, and I must let go of the negativity that has surrounded me for years. I spent the last five years working on justice for Misha, but I lost because of a corrupt judge and a flawed system in Louisiana. If I let this wrongdoing consume me, then the future I have worked towards will be shrouded in bitterness not happiness. I will no longer allow adversity inside my mind nor my life. This Christmas I want to enjoy the day without the terrible heartache that overtakes me during this time of year. I used to have a tree with so many presents underneath.1717_1063213746577_8020_n
This new life I embarked on when I moved to South America has made me realize those presents mean nothing. Health, well-being, our kindness and actions towards others are the most important gifts we can have and give. Christmas day means so much more than opening a present. It is a time of reflection and contemplation about the past year and what we can do to make change in our lives in a valuable way. It is a day of celebration with family and friends, appreciating the very life that God has given to us. I have many new friends here in Colombia. I plan on spending Christmas with those friends and entertaining at Villa Migelita during the holiday weeks. I have decorated Colombian style, and play Christmas music during the days. I put my parrot LuciSunsets, Luci and dogs swimming 044 on the window in my office and watch her dance to the Christmas carols. These songs bring back many memories of my life before divorce and death wiped out the joy of the season for me. Christmas was always so special at my house when my children were growing up. Christmas can be special for me again, because I will make it that way. The last Christmas I spent with Misha was such a delight, Amaya was just a baby. When I think of the past I will focus only on the wonderful memories of years gone by. There was so much positive, so much love, and Misha would be so proud today if she could see what a lovely child Amaya has turned into. 1717_1063212986558_2937_n

So how does one let go? There are many people just like me who have hurt so badly they feel they can never love again, live again, nor keep moving forward, but we do. We grasp the knowledge acquired from misfortune and use that knowledge to become better people. I have not given up on securing justice for Misha, I am just letting go. I think that is what she would want. I am not satisfied I will get my happy ending. Maybe there is no such thing and we find the truth when we leave this world and enter a new dimension. I just know that I have to move forward with an unencumbered mind. I have to let the New Year bring me the possibilities I have worked so hard for. I have to focus on the road ahead, not the road I left.