Posted in child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, family, Grief, life lessons, love, Nature Symbolism, parents of deceased children, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized

A Dream

The cover photo is Villa Migelita Ecolodge the very first time I visited. I had been looking at many properties and I knew immediately when I saw this Villa it was the place I had been waiting to find.

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This photo was also taken on my first visit, look at the Orb. Misha is with me here. She is in a parallel universe, but she shows up sometimes and I cannot ignore the signs. A definite angel in the light of my photo.

I loved the Italian style look of this old Villa, I loved the wildness and the mountain views. I wanted to live in a climate that had no need for air conditioning. I enjoy the tranquility of my Villa which is now a legal hotel in the rain forest of Colombia. I could see it was just in need of some loving attention. Butterfly video and photos 008

The American and Colombian flags fly high

Today Misha would be 29 years old. Yesterday I went to where she is buried in her special garden to talk to her. I don’t do this often because I see her special resting area all the time, and I feel her presence. Today, I felt her drawing me to the garden where a simple angel marks her resting place. The angel was turned on its side. I sat it upright and thought she wanted me to do this. She is around me in her soul presence. When I feel especially sad she sends me a hummingbird, and always the same kind. She sent one on Friday. It is the Long billed hermit hummingbird of Colombia. My housekeeper called me because she found it in my office. Always they enter my office, and always the same species. Misha knows this is my place to write and to watch all of my hummingbirds. The interesting part is this species do not ever use the feeders, I rarely see them from the window of my office: except one comes almost every morning and looks at me through the window for a moment and leaves.

I recently wrote a blog about a time when Misha and I were having problems. All these times seem so long ago. But they exist and need to be written down so that many who were cruel to me during the time of her death know how cruel they actually were. I am writing for my healing.  It is not true that one gets over a death of a beloved person as years pass. It is also not the truth that even if the person who has died did horrible things to you, your love didn’t exist. What is true is you feel confusion about the grief you carry inside for the rest of your life. I still have my memories of all the wonderful times from my life with her, but I have awful memories too. That is why I’m writing these blogs in preparation for the book that I’m writing simultaneously. I want to be clear about how a child that took me to the depths of despair was also one who took me to the heights of love.

Recently I had a dream where she came to me. It has been so long since this has happened. I was back in time, the time when I was preparing for my move to Colombia. I was in her room, and I was boxing things and they were from many years of redecorating her room. Remember, this is a dream and actually the room had been empty of her personal possessions for a long time, but in my dream it was the way her room looked the last time it had been redecorated. I felt deep and unrelenting sadness as I picked up items that brought memories with them. I could see the colors of sheets, the stripes in these floor cushions she had, the curtains that covered her closet. It was all so detailed. Then she appeared and was just watching. Tears were falling from her eyes, and we made eye contact. Her hair was blond like in high school. She gave me her lips together half-smile as the tears fell. Then the tears became snowflakes frozen on her face and I woke up.

As I lay in the darkness on my bed I tried to go back to sleep and to the dream, just to see her again. I wanted to understand why the snowflakes? I understood the tears, as I had them falling down my face when I awoke. She feels badly about how she left this world and me. We had a love that transcended the bad times, a love that was flawed but real. A love that no one can take from me with gossip or lies about the actual reality of our relationship. The reality she knew and the truth of the last years of her life when she changed so dramatically.

The significance of this dream is something I will never know, but I realize she is sad for me. She is also in my sphere of the Universe still. This dream makes me realize that my dream of having a hotel and continuing on with my life as best I can is the best way to deal with such deep rooted memories of another lifetime. A situation I carry inside me. Until I write everything down, I will feel incomplete.

Maybe the snowflakes mean she is frozen in time, somewhat like myself. Even though I have accomplished so much, I continue to transmit to those around me, pieces of myself that Misha shattered and left me to deal with. By writing this on the day she was born 29 years ago, I am committing myself to telling the truth, the good and the bad. The joy that I felt  that day when she entered this world was transcendent, the sadness I felt when she left this world was transcendent.

Her birthday holds more significance than her death day, because she had the world and life before her. She made wrong choices as she grew into her teen years. She left me alone to deal with all of it after she was killed. My way of getting on with my life is certainly controversial to some, and maybe to others quite impressive. Whatever may be in anyone’s minds is not of importance to me. What is important is that Misha didn’t have the chance to grow into the woman she should have become and live her life as a mother, sister, and a daughter. With that I wish her a Happy Birthday and can only hope she is still actually with me, because she came to me in a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted in Colombian life, country living, expat life, farm life, freedom, friendship, hotel, minimalism, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, Uncategorized

Life Continues and Flows

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/liquid

Who says liquid has to be water? It can be an old tree 30 years old with weeping sap. It can be the love that flows from a photo of your one true love. Liquid can be smooth or splashing, it can be running down a wall, it can be flat with calmness. It can be luscious with the beauty of love. Everything is liquid. Not just water. Our lives are liquid with the change that happens daily, sometimes really wonderful happenings, sometimes awful. These photos represent liquid to me.

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Old dry sap running down this wonderful tree
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Hiking with the water falling, capturing the beauty of the jungle
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Like a sheet of flowing ice
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The reflection of the tiny waterfall makes this an amazing photo
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Mi novio and I after hiking and looking through the same eyes at the beauty of the water as our own love flows between us

Liquid to me is life, because we can never know if we will be calm like the photo with my man, tranquil with peace. Or will we be tormented like the sky in a thunderstorm coming quickly to overwhelm us with lightening and thunder.

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The capture of an intense rainstorm coming towards Villa Migelita

Will we find peace in our lives or will we find the rushing water is too much and we need to change?

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The cascade drips with my tears
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The river I meditate at descending in one direction

I can never say enough how life is river that flows in one direction than it takes another turn. We can never be prepared for this change. But we can accept and try our best to live a good life. I am doing that in Colombia. I live a good life. Not a life of rushing water, ready to descend and sweep me away, but one of tranquility and without fear of my future life. “Que sera, sera” What will be, will be.

 

 

Posted in Colombian life, Color and Colombia, country living, Entreprenuer, expat life, freedom, friendship, happiness, hotel, hummingbirds, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, Perfection and Peace, strength, Uncategorized

I Will Never be the Same. Colombia. Come Visit and Share in the Magic.

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Lush landscapes, the sun shining through clouds upon the mountains, rainstorms at sunset, the hummingbirds that buzz by as you sit quietly watching, bananas growing on trees that surround you, Colombia is my place.rainstorm and hummingbirds 006

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Every part of Colombia is colorful, even the cities

I am forever in my place, never to leave to move anywhere else. I have a property that is incomparable to most anywhere in the world at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. I am in a small country with people who have huge hearts. My heart is full with gratitude. My heart is full with love, my heart is full of Colombia. moon 005Margie and Gordie 074

Posted in child death, family, freedom, Grief, happiness, hummingbirds, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, Uncategorized

Hummingbirds

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The Brown Violet Ear hummingbird

The Brown Violet ear hummingbird looks like it has two black eyes when you see him on a branch. The light bit of purple is picked up by the camera. I love this little guy who keeps hanging around my feeders. I have only one. Perhaps I should name him? I certainly enjoy his antics, and I love watching him primp and preen. He is beloved by me, as all of my hummingbird species are. At Villa Migelita Ecolodge we have over 30 species!

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White necked Jacobin

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White necked Jacobin with Valle del Cauca in background of Colombia
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Misha my daughter with Amaya (who is now ten) one month before her death

I relate to the hummingbirds at Villa Migelita Ecolodge because they are spiritual beings that bring joy to my heart. They are representative of my daughter’s nonphysical form who now flies free in peace. I truly believe I ended up living in Colombia to be surrounded by hummingbirds. They lift me up with their presence in ways I can’t describe. The highlighted sentence above can give you much information about hummingbirds and how they have represented many cultures throughout time.  I am blessed to have them year round at my hotel.

I know my daughter knew how much I loved them because every year we would go to Tennessee and spend almost 3 months in the Smoky mountains. When we would spot our first hummingbird we would be delighted.  So even though she is not physically present, she is with me through my hummingbirds.

 

Posted in Birders, Colombia, Colombian life, farm life, friendship, Macaw, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, Uncategorized

Postura who Found her Human

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Postura is comfortable with her human or in a tree

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/relocate/

Postura showed up at his house and she never left. He let her be. He thought it was a fluke, a wonderful visitor who just came for the mango, and other fruit trees on his farm. She was friendly and started to live in his trees. He never bothered her, but she came to him often. Eventually, Postura made her home at his farm in Colombia. She lives free, she lives without constraint. She decided he would be her human.

She travels around the pueblo of La Buitrera de Palmira, Valle del Cauca, Colombia and is often seen perching in the trees of the park. She goes to other farms, and they tell her human they have seen her. She never lets anyone touch her but her human. She adores him so much it can only be described as unconditional love. She laughs, she talks, she says Spanish phrases. She now recognizes me when I visit. She shows off like a trained bird, yet she isn’t. She is so intelligent and without any conditions she stays on her human’s farm.

Where did this special parrot come from? She must have known humans during her lifetime.

I know animals have a spirit sense. I have many special visits from hummingbirds that I believe come from the other world none of us know for sure exists. I am certain when I get visits from hummingbirds they are a sign from the Universe and the souls I have lost in my life. They might not be there for me to pick up the phone and talk to, but they are still with me. I believe Postura is that for her human.

I have a dog who would not accept a person who came into my life to help me with my business. It is unfortunate how she could not, would not accept this person. He left recently. It was amazing the transformation in my dog! She is so happy and carefree again. I have to take the quiet and often non verbal signals of animals seriously. She was telling me something and I needed to listen. Because you know what, she was right!

All of you who follow my blog know my Orion the Dogo Argentino. He is not feeling well today. He has been bitten by a fly and has skin problems from this. Actually, he has worms under his skin in  two places. UGH and gross right? But remember I am in Colombia and he is a dog on a farm. I didn’t know about the other place on his foot. He came to me this morning and was panicked. I followed him because I thought he needed to go outside to use the bathroom, but no, he went to my truck and wanted to get in. He never goes in the truck unless to the vet. He told me in his own way “I need help!” I have the veterinarian coming this afternoon. He will take care of this and I talked to Orion and told him the same, he is sleeping peacefully now.

When we have animals and are animal lovers we understand those signs. I highlighted that video above because you should watch it. It shows the same species of hummingbird that has visited me before, and it is going to all my special old family photos and special mementos. I know we have another side besides the world we live in. We have to accept this as humans. We need to realize that the animal kingdom sees much more than we as humans do.

Follow my blog because Postura the beautiful Severe Macaw (or Chestnut Fronted Macaw) has eggs she is sitting on right now. Maybe she has a mate, maybe not. Stay tuned.

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Postura

 

 

Posted in child death, Colombia, Colombian life, family, Grief, hummingbirds, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, parents of deceased children, Perfection and Peace, photo challenge, Signs of the Universe, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized

A Little Sign from the Cosmos

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Hummingbird Feather

The moment I spotted this little treasure I felt chills. It was early morning and I entered my kitchen and my eyes were drawn to this tiny feather on the tile. It is so minute I do not know what drew my eyes to it, except Misha, my deceased daughter. She left it for me. Just one white feather, like an angel wing. I stopped and inhaled slowly because a white feather that is from a hummingbird is a sign, a sacred encounter with the ethereal. How my eyes saw this beautiful little quill; so small it is about the size of a babies fingernail. I could easily have walked past it without notice and it would have blown away as I was opening the doors of my Villa for the morning.

Open doors define my life in Colombia. Not only actual open doors but the doors that have opened for me since I left the United States on this journey to a new country. Colombia, a country that many do not understand nor have an accurate account of how life really is here in the most bio-diverse country besides Brazil in the world. Colombia is full of happy people, beautiful mountains, birds, flowers, and moments. I need moments.

Happiness, unfortunately is elusive to me. I feel happiness, but rarely since Misha passed. Happiness is a gift that we need to strive to achieve, all of us. We need to grasp the split second that we feel any form of hopefulness, and keep it in our hearts. This little hummingbird feather made me smile this morning. It was like she was giving me reassurance of her love. Confirming to me that she is with me, even though not in a physical form. So now I am going to frame this jewel and keep it nearby for those days I feel down, when I have had a sleepless night which so often plaque me. I will have it to look at forever.

I wasn’t sure how to photograph this tiny plume so I put it on a crack. The cracks represent my heart since I lost her. I doubt my heart will ever be whole again, but the magnitude of these moments keep me going on with life. A life I appreciate more than I ever did before she left this world. I know what grief is, I know that I will always feel it, but I also know that I can make a life in her memory. This Villa is all for Misha. She shows me her appreciation in small ways. The little feather of a hummingbird.

 

 

Posted in Colombia, Colombian life, expat life, hummingbirds, minimalism, mother nature, nature, Nature Symbolism, Perfection and Peace, photo challenge, Uncategorized

Outside my Windows. All of Them.

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Window where I blog
The view from my office, filled with nature and hummingbirds

This butterfly is truly a part of nature that is so miraculous. The first time I saw this species Diaethria neglecta which can be found throughout South America occurs from Panama to Bolivia. I didn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. This is a window of the Villa Migelita Suite. We have a lot of butterflies enter when doors are open, also hummingbirds.  These butterflies that enter sit for hours even if I open the screen to let them out. In Colombia the doors and windows are open all day.  At Villa Migelita I do have screens on my windows in the bedrooms, but I also have some very old windows I chose to keep when I updated my Villa. My office window is very, very old. I do not have a screen on it. I have left it alone, along with the front door and another window in the main living area. As I look outside at the hummingbirds and the lemon tree they perch on, I feel peace.

A view form the VM suite
The #89 butterfly of Colombia
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Orchids outside my office window
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The Brown Inca Hummingbird outside my window

There is nothing but photos to explain how wonderful my view is from the window I write at. I will leave you all with this video of all the hummingbirds having a great time feeding and dancing in front of my window. This is where I sit and spend much of my time when I am not entertaining my guests. Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I didn’t have this view to keep me at peace. I can go to bed feeling sad and then the next morning sit at my desk and see the natural beauty that surrounds me and all is right with the world again.