Posted in Colombia, Colombian healthcare, Colombian life, Disappointment, exercise, expat life, hip surgery, Journal of surgery for hips, life lessons, Uncategorized

My Hospital Stay

The  cover picture is a photo of a room at the Imbanaco Medical hospital in Cali, Colombia where I will be having my hip surgery on August 22. My housekeeper will be staying with me and it is included in my health insurance. The couch you see is a pull out bed where Jazmine will sleep. We did everything together alone on Thursday. I drove to Palmira we took a bus to the Cali terminal and then a taxi to the hospital. I do not drive in Cali, it is hectic and very hard to even use a GPS in this city.  Jazmine only speaks Spanish, but she can interpret for me when I do not understand something because we have our own special language of my Spanish and her Spanish that somehow works out well for us both. My appointments had been changed from Friday to Thursday and my friend who was supposed to drive and help interpret could not make it on Thursday. I have become quite adept at sudden changes because Jazmine and I work well as a team. I understand Spanish pretty well now, but medical or complex issues are definitely a challenge for me.

I had a wonderful meeting with the anesthesiologist. He only spoke Spanish but we talked well and he understood my Spanish. I actually didn’t need her for much. I was worried about this meeting because it was for my general health, looking at my blood work and explaining the procedure of the surgery. I found out that they schedule the surgery for about 5 hours and that I will be asleep even though it is arthroscopy. They do not rush, and I am having both of my hips done. We then went down to see my surgeon and he was not available Thursday so I saw the doctor who is his assistant for an explanation of the aftercare part of my recovery. I could not understand a word he said. He had a strange way of talking, slow but his words kind of dropped off. Jazmine helped a lot in this meeting and I left with the knowledge that I will have small spots on both of my hips that will be cleaned with alcohol only, no need for antibiotics and probably medicine for pain. They do not use strong medicine in Colombia. So hopefully my pain will decrease dramatically after the surgery. I will be in the hospital for two or three days. I will rest for ten days doing exercises in my bed twice a day, and will be up on crutches immediately. The bad news was that I could not return to my Villa for the 10 days of rest because the distance is too far and the bumps in the road could damage my hips. I also found out I had to have 20 consecutive days of therapy that is specialized by my surgeon at the Imbanaco Medical Center. This therapy is vital to a great outcome and complete healing. In Colombia they do not have recovery centers and I had to find my own place to stay for one month in Cali. I am upset by this because my Villa is so beautiful and I had thought maybe someone could come to my house for therapy.

The next part of the day was the hospital registration. We went to that area of the medical center and the first person I saw was a nurse who went over what I should do at home the night before and the day of the surgery. My surgery is late in the day so I am allowed a small breakfast of only certain foods and I can drink water until 11 am. Then nothing after that. I have to wash with a special soap the night before and the day of surgery. I understood her perfectly and again Jazmine did not have to help much, then the final part of the day was the actual registration of my surgery date. That part was simple and everything took 4 hours. We left and grabbed a quick-lunch and then a taxi and I was back in Palmira by 4 pm. A long day but very productive.

Yesterday, I worked all day looking on the computer trying to find a place to stay for one month. It is not easy as I cannot have stairs, I didn’t want a room in an apartment with no scenery to look at, and I wanted something in a residential area where I could see birds and nature. I found a wonderful place, and Jazmine will stay with me there too. I will need help with everything from cooking, washing my clothes and bathing at first. I might find out that I am quite capable and can stay alone after the first week.

It is going to be an adventure. An adventure I still am not happy about, but I thank God I have such wonderful insurance and the only costs I have had so far have been two small co-pays and I had to buy two special pillows, one is used in surgery and the other is for my legs after the surgery. I am going today to get my crutches, and the cost of my room in the beautiful home I will staying in is quite reasonable.

I will miss my animals, my hummingbirds, my fresh air and lovely home. I will not like the heat in Cali and most places in Colombia do not have air conditioning. The nights are always cool, but I will need a fan during the day. The water is also not heated in most places, and so I will be having cold showers. I won’t like that, but if it is hot it might not be so bad. The beautiful Air BnB home I am staying in is exquisitely decorated and has a small garden patio where I can sit outside. I will be writing my book, and I will journal for all of you about my experience in the hospital, and then going to my rental place.

I continue to become more and more independent and I hope by writing it down I can show others you can achieve anything you want with determination. I also will show how excellent the healthcare is that I receive in Colombia. My hospital stay, doctors and all the therapy is covered 100%. As are the medications that I need from the surgery. After I  am able to return to my Villa I will continue therapy in Palmira. I should be allowed to drive.  I will do everything exactly as instructed and hopefully will be back to my hiking and Yoga in 3 months. Wish me luck, because I won’t lie and say that I don’t feel anxiety because I do. Exercise is everything to me, I want to have a completely successful outcome. Look for a new blog after my surgery. I am sure it will be interesting and very positive because I have had nothing but professional and very modern care so far. The surgeon is only one of three doctors who perform this surgery in Colombia. I know it is an inconvenience for me to stay for 30 days in Cali, but I sure wouldn’t want to stay in Bogotá for 30 days where the other doctors are located.

So now I am going to get my personal affairs in as much order as I can, I have wonderful friends who are going to help me with many things while I am staying in Cali. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. I have learned that it is not always about the amount of friends we have, but the quality of the friendships. Stay tuned for my next blog, my surgery is on Wednesday. I should be writing about it on Thursday of next week.

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Posted in Colombia, Colombian healthcare, exercise, expat life, Healthcare in Colombia, hiking, hip surgery, Journal of surgery for hips, strength, Uncategorized, Waiting

Countdown to Surgery

Habits of a lifetime are part of our make up as a person. As my surgery is getting closer I find myself worrying about the outcome. I can’t imagine not being able to hike anymore, or ride my bike, do Yoga and exercise like I have all of my adult life. So I have been reading a lot about the procedure and it seems that I should feel a reduction in pain immediately after my surgery. Reading this group study has helped but I am still very worried about everything, including that I will be the same as I always was before when the surgery and rehabilitation are completed. I am writing questions down as I think of them for my meeting with the surgeon this week. This blog is part serious and part funny. One of my questions is can I bring cute pajamas to wear and not those horrible hospital robes where the naked butt shows?After reading the above article I am not certain if I will be put to sleep or just have my hips numbed. I will ask this of the doctors  because  I also will see an anesthesiologist who will evaluate my health. I am not sure why I have to stay in the hospital three days, because it would probably be outpatient in the USA. However, when I asked at my first meeting with my surgeon he did say I am having both hips done, and they remove a bony obstruction on both sides. He is very famous for this procedure and when I visit his office I see many people with crutches. They all look healthy and happy so I am just trying to accept my situation. Hopefully, when I am the person in the waiting room, I will look happy too.

Part of this situation is that there is not one pill that relieves the pain I feel. Nothing works. I am just living in pain. I have found one solution for the night. I have said many times that cannabis is legal here in the home. I can even grow up to 20 plants if wanted to. I don’t want to. Cannabis is so inexpensive and I have found that all pharmaceuticals I have taken for my various back and neck problems from being a flight attendant are no longer needed. I started using cannabis oil  under my tongue a few days ago. It is strong, and it works for the night pain. However, I would not consider it for daytime, except when I am on bed rest for ten days. Then maybe I will use it.  I do smoke a little weed at around 6 pm in a pipe. I have done this for a little while for pain also, but not much and only if I am not going anywhere.

Now on to the funniest part of this admission about the use of weed for pain management. Yesterday I bought the weed oil for the outside of the body to rub on my hips from the natural medicine store. It smells like Vicks Vaporub ointment. I have used it three times today and I have noticed my pain is better. The smell to me is awful. My mother used Vicks when she was old for everything! I don’t like the smell, and it reminds me of nursing homes.

So I am not going to get any mosquito bites before my surgery, I am going to be able to breathe very well at night because you know that Vicks is great for respiration, and hopefully I will get a bit more relief from the pain.

Posted in Awakening, Colombia, Colombian life, Entreprenuer, expat life, friendship, hip surgery, Spanish speaking, strength, Uncategorized

Struggling Still

Many people have no idea how I have struggled to live in my Paradise here in Colombia. I believe that I am meant to be here, but it has not been easy. I came with someone I totally trusted and had known for quite a long time before I made my decision to move to another country. He turned out to be an awful person. I wrote an essay about my conflicts and was given great feedback on it by a prestigious magazine. They encouraged me to submit the essay elsewhere as it was not right for their magazine, but I am using it as an outline for my book. I have started writing chapters and I am also continuing on with my blog, and how my past has intertwined with my present life. My last guest brought front and center what happened to me and why I am behind in actually speaking Spanish.

This latest guest here at Villa Migelita Ecolodge is a really wonderful person, so wise  and a really commendable Spanish speaker. She wanted to get better at conversational Spanish and to talk with locals while enjoying the nature and beauty of Colombia. A world traveler, she has been all over the world to places I have never heard of. What a pleasure to have her at my Villa for two weeks. She made me realize my Spanish needs drastic improvement. One of the reasons my Spanish is not so great is because my immersion was not what it should have been for many years due to the person I moved here with. He became different when he returned to Colombia, and I found myself quite isolated much of the time. It was interesting because my guest noticed I understood quite well and had a good vocabulary, but I have trouble with tenses and putting sentences together correctly. I have never had real formal study and she has done formal study and has many Spanish-speaking friends in the United States. Fortunately for her I am never the teacher in my Spanish lesson classes. We do speak Spanish all day because my contratista only speaks Spanish, and so do all of the people who are my friends. I have just learned through computer programs and speaking with those I am surrounded by now. I have improved drastically since that person who I came here with is gone. I am independent and do everything with Jazmine, who works with me now. We only speak Spanish. However, after Susan came I knew I need more, and I set out to accomplish just that when she left. She also inspired me in another way. She had a knee replacement 6 months ago and is still in a lot of pain. Even with the pain she exercised and did so much even though it was hard for her. She walked to the top of Nirvana the natural reserve with me and it is not an easy climb.

Barrenquero 004
The green and blue of the Barranquero bird which we saw on our walk to the top of Nirvana Reserve in La Buitrera

Many of you know I am getting hip surgery soon. I have not wanted to think about the surgery or the therapy needed because I am an avid exerciser. She is too. I have many guests come to visit, and I make friends with all but I feel she was a miracle sent to me to help me deal with this surgery that is upcoming, and to inspire me to get better at my actual Spanish-speaking. As many of you know, when I make up my mind to do something I get right to work at doing what I feel is necessary. I mean if Susan can ride on a motorcycle when she just had knee replacement then I can get my mind made up to conquer the dread I have been feeling about the hip surgery.

Susan on moto
An inspiration to me and now a good friend

The day after she left the perfect opportunity presented itself to me. My dear friend and partner of my hair stylist was at the salon I go to here in Colombia. He can speak some English and wants to learn to speak correctly, I can speak some Spanish and want to learn correctly. We made a deal. He will be coming twice a week and we will be working together to help each other. He will speak conversational English to me and I will correct him, and I will speak conversational Spanish to him and he will also do the same. It is a win/win situation. I am starting this afternoon. I can’t wait. As for Jazmine, she is also no longer going to let me say things wrong, she is also correcting me and she will be joining us for our two times a week to learn English.

I know everyone who follows my blog understands that I do believe the Universe provides us with what we need. This is another example of this. I was worried about my surgery and now I have a date, I have all the information I need and I am also telling my bi-lingual friends to speak Spanish with me and to correct me. It is not an easy process. However, I will be bedridden after my surgery and will have much time on my hands. I will use it to continue writing my book and elaborate on the struggles I have had here, learning Spanish, having to learn to navigate my life in a new country while not speaking Spanish correctly, but overcoming everything to live the best life I can live.

I have to mention that the surgery would have been incredibly expensive in the United States and I still believe the Universe directed me to live in Colombia, although it has not been an easy process. This doctor being only one of three in Colombia who actually performs the surgery I am having. That in and of itself makes me realize I am exactly where I should be living. Now to get on with my life, a life that is incredibly peaceful, even with the difficulties I have had. Opportunities present themselves to us and we need to use these opportunities to make our lives better if we can.

Susan came and visited and her influence on much in my mind was wonderful. I didn’t realize it, but I needed someone to just talk with. I will probably never see her again but I know we will remain in touch. I feel really blessed to have the good fortune to have people like her visit, and to have done what I have here in Colombia. It is not always perfect, but I doubt it would be perfect if I had stayed in the USA. Life is interesting here, I am determined to conquer my last phase of Spanish speaking, as I can read it pretty well, understand others, and have a good vocabulary. Now I just need to put it all together. I will, just like I will write the book I hope will explain much about why I live in Colombia.

When I start my journey with my hip surgery I will keep everyone updated with regular blogs on my recovery. I am sure it will be interesting because I have never had a surgery that has required me to stay in the hospital overnight. So look for my next blogs to be kind of a journal of my time in the hospital and the road to recovery.

 

 

Posted in Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, Grief, life lessons, parents of deceased children, sadness, Uncategorized

Jail Time

That time I went to jail I have never written about. People who are close to me know. I am writing a chapter for my book now about my 36 hours in Broward County jail.  It is still so fresh in my memory. It was horrible, I was shown a side of society I didn’t know existed. Jail was something I read about in books, or watched in movies. The reality is very different. No matter your place in society, the treatment is disturbing from the moment you are arrested to the time inside the jail, the lack of compassion, the complete cruelty I experienced by the police and the people who worked in the prison. However, the other inmates were pretty darn cool with me. It was obvious to them I didn’t belong there. They comforted me, they gave me a lot of reasons to write it down, but I never did. I have never written about it before because it shows my daughter in a way that is not flattering, something that I have not wanted to do. I need to heal myself, recent events have made me realize I have not done that. Even with therapy, my move to Colombia, these moments in time exist and they bring me to places I only think about when I awake at night and cannot sleep.

I was arrested on false charges. I was an innocent to what the rules are when the police show up at your door. I had no clue about anything about police visits to your home. If I had known, this experience would never have happened. It was a nightmare that you dream and then wake up with your heart beating fast inside your chest. Surreal, incomprehensible, I am sure my mug shot exists somewhere even though all charges were expunged. I didn’t even understand that they were taking my mug shot. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn’t understand all that was happening and it was very harsh, with a lot of merciless treatment by all involved who work in the system of Broward County, Florida.

Now I am writing it down in a chapter for my book. I am leaving nothing out. The dreadful side of my daughter, the crappy friends she had, one who has my sweet grandchild in her care right now without any legal papers of custody. I am telling the story. All of it, the lessons I learned from experiences I had no control over. Including my daughter meeting the father of my beloved grandchild. I am going to tell you the entire experience from the time of my arrest until I was let out to the street outside the jail of Broward County without a charged cell phone, no shoes, and no money.

A wonderful cab driver gave me a ride with my promise of payment if he could just take me to my house. I didn’t even have a key to get inside my own home! I will always remember the kind treatment I received from the other inmates, from that cab driver, the father of my grandchild: who when he heard what Misha had done made her immediately go to drop the charges. This is hard just to say in a blog. I went to jail. I was 50 years old, I could have lost my job, that is what Misha did. Wait for it. Coming soon to all who want to buy my book. I am writing the chapter now. It is funny at times, but it is also very terrifying to anyone who might think it could never happen to you. It can and I experienced it.

 

 

Posted in Awakening, child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, freedom, friendship, Grief, happiness, love, Uncategorized

Sadness

Sad.  The word used to describe me recently was correct. To be honest that’s how I live inside my mind often, but I usually never give in to it. Even when I awake in the morning feeling deep heaviness of heart. I get up and get going, my mornings include watching my birds and hummingbirds: photographing and viewing them here at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. It is not always about Misha,  although she is certainly part of this sadness. This feeling is something different. It has been pushed back, hidden deep inside my being. Like a child who has been abused and has no recall until years later. As I’ve written before I get through this life after her death because I try not to think about what has happened in my life since she changed at the age of fifteen. I’ve questioned whether it is healthy to just not think about it. I certainly have found out others pick up on this side of me of which I am not aware is being projected. I let myself feel grief when I didn’t see Amaya recently and I found out the true character of someone. I was hit twice in the gut. After a few weeks of searching for why, I realized what really hit me so hard. First of all it has been almost nine years since my daughter was murdered. Why is there this constant need by those who are part of Amaya’s life to continue to persecute me about what Misha decided to do with her life? She had free will. I was her parent who did not believe the choices she was making were correct. That is being a parent! Now these same people are hurting a child. I’m used to feelings of despair, I can handle it because despite all the negativity towards me I’ve gone on to create a lovely hotel and lifestyle. Amaya is a child, she should have nothing but love around her. All love is good love, from anyone who is part of her life. Amaya is not a reason to hurt others through revenge. Again, because all of the decisions Misha made in her short life were hers, albeit she was surrounded by really bad influences in high school.  I just tried to parent her as best as I could parent a rebellious child who was doing really bad things. Look for it all in my book, and believe me I will be sharing every single detail. It is a movie in the making.

So back to this new self discovery. I discovered I am mourning happiness. Moving to Colombia was a good move for me to get away from those who continued to harass me despite what they knew about Misha. I was their person to bully. I am no longer going to allow it. I am going to tell the truth to the world, and I know there are many families who have a Misha in their lives. Hopefully, you can let yourself let go of what you had no control over. When I let myself  feel sadness after I was not allowed to see Amaya  recently I let myself cry. I don’t cry much since Misha passed. Not because I’m embarrassed or trying not to. I just don’t cry.  I can watch a really sad show and not cry, I can see awful news about children being taken from their parents over immigration, I even lost my dog Bruno Mars while I was on my homeless tour of the United States and I didn’t cry. I realize this is not normal, but this is how I cope. I have become immune to a lot of bad things. I do react when confronted with wrong, but I never confront anyone, it is really hard for me to do.

So when I cried recently about being kept from Amaya it wasn’t this hysterical crying, it was  a day of sad tears and a day of talking out loud. Just needing to speak about the positive and negative things. I talked to those closest to me during that time, and I was also very silent and reflective. I then get myself back to the place I keep my sadness inside my mind. That place of not thinking about how horrible the human race is. This is why I love my place in Colombia, I am surrounded by animals and nature. They don’t do bad things on purpose. To hurt someone without reason.

Since I’ve returned to Colombia I’m back to moving forward. I’m doing my normal routine and feeling content. The thing that is missing is that happiness I felt after so many years. My book editor wrote me I’m mourning the loss of affection, because I’ve become my own best friend after so many years. Such wise words. I haven’t felt much happiness for a long time. I have felt contentment, I have felt love from my extended family here in Colombia, I am loved by my animals. But happiness is elusive. My other mother called me last night and she said “Michele, you have never allowed yourself to grieve properly, you keep looking for that happiness, it might never be there for you again.” She is right. I might never have it again, but I will have peace and beauty. I will have the love of the people I know are by my side. That is a wonderful thing. I can live with that. So my homeless tour was filled with lessons, and my other mother Laverne  said to me what I needed to hear. “Michele let yourself grieve, you never have. You have always been defending yourself against things you had no control over. You left and that was good, but now you need to let yourself feel that grief.”

She is right. I am writing it down in my book. It is hard. I have been remembering and discovering memories that cause me a lot of pain. I will get through this phase in my life, just like I get through everything, with grace and with patience.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Awakening, chaos, child death, Colombia, Colombian life, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, freedom, friendship, Grief, love, Uncategorized

The Cracks that Show Up

I let someone in my life because he was friends with my friend from high school. I would never have done this without knowing her and what a sweet person she is. Then I started to see cracks. Just little warning signs. However, I allowed myself to look past some of the signs because I think he had a really great side, and still do think that. We all have problems, I am the first to say that. I have many problems I left behind in the United States. I am the last person to judge anyone. But, I have the sixth sense. I didn’t really want to go to the United States this last time I went. I could have taken care of what was happening with my granddaughter with my lawyer Howard Friedman over the phone. This person insisted and I really should have listened to my inner voice, but I didn’t. I say this over and over in my blogs. I don’t listen like I should to my innermost feelings. We need to accept and adapt to these feelings inside of us! So I spent a lot of money that I did not need to spend and learned a lot of lessons while getting dumped by a person who is probably still thinking about me and wanting me. He blew it, and believe me, one chance is all you get with me. I am special, I am smart, I am unique and he lied just to get me. I am sure no one has just looked at him and said F%^k You. I did immediately when he dumped me for no reason except his selfish behavior and his need for me to be happy while in the United States. My friend’s husband who is very clear he is a Trump supporter came to me and hugged me, and said you will prevail. I was constantly told by ‘this person’ how awful this friend was and what a horrible husband he was to my friend. I should have let that be a warning sign too. My friends husband came and hugged me on one of the worst days of my life, but this person did not. So let me be clear I don’t like Donald Trump, and I am not saying all people who voted or supported him are bad, I am saying I can never nor would be with someone who is a supporter as a partner. As a citizen of the United States I believe in our right to vote for who we want, and I believe that is why we are such a great country. I don’t need to make everyone agree with my position. I will not allow someone lie to me. You know, if this person had been honest with me, I would have listened. It was a simple thing. We could have been friends, but never lovers.

First of all, I do not like Donald Trump. These images of the children being ripped from their parents arms are causing me such sadness, I am in distress beyond anyone’s imagination. He dumped me for being sad about my granddaughter, he is cruel and he is a supporter of Trump. I know that his friend he speaks so badly about knows I am not. Yet that morning I was so sad, he came to me and said I love you Michele, I am so sorry. Yes, the Trump supporter came to me to comfort me but not my boyfriend. So I have been feeling very ashamed for this romance. I bought into it. I believed him for what I thought he was. He was not that way. I can never express the coldness of how he said  I can’t be with a person who comes here to the USA and is sad. So here is the lesson. No matter your political preference, you can still be a decent human being. My high school friend and her husband are really decent people, and ‘this person is not.’

So where do I go now? I am extremely saddened beyond recognition of my own self by this ripping of children from the arms of their parents. I can’t sleep, I compare my situation with that of my own granddaughter. Why do people have her that have no rights, nor position to justify having her? It makes me scared about what I am thinking when I see these girls are missing in the Trump system of justice at the border. Is it something sinister? Is my granddaughter safe? I see that something is terribly wrong in the system of the United States. I know many feel Colombia is dangerous, when in actuality it is not. I am happy and free here. I have no need to even lock my doors. But the USA they rip children from the arms of parents and lose them. I can’t get a correct answer from all the agencies I call about my granddaughter’s well-being. Why do these people who have no connection to my granddaughter have her in their custody. I am hoping someone will find out.

Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, freedom, friendship, Grief, happiness, Order, parents of deceased children, Perfection and Peace, Uncategorized

Without a Roof

What a week, a week of self discovery and a week of acknowledgement about the reality of my life. I’m on a journey that I didn’t expect to take. As I look in the mirrors of the various places I have stayed I’ve found a resilience that is ingrained inside the makeup of the person I am.  I myself didn’t even know how strong I am until this week of wandering from place to place, like a homeless person. I’ve rediscovered that grief I felt when Misha passed. I am right here where my granddaughter is, and I haven’t seen her. I’m her link to her deceased mother, and she is my link to my deceased daughter. We need each other.

One of my dearest friends had some people over when I stayed at her house while on this “homeless tour of friend’s houses ” and she point-blank asked me “how do you survive all of these things that are so gut wrenching awful?” She made me think about my innate character. What does get me through such pain, while others would curl up and leave life by escaping through drugs, alcohol or depressive  behavior? As I’ve moved from place to place I’ve been finding answers.

I’m really loved by a lot of people. Funny thing is they are people I’ve collected along the way on this voyage of life. The list of true friends seemed to grow smaller as I’ve grown older: while in actual fact it has grown larger. I just didn’t know because my focus was on my survival. I refuse to let the actions of other people change me. I know the difference between right and wrong, I know that it sometimes takes a lot of patience to achieve a goal, whatever that goal may be. Such as my own hotel, it is still growing and I might never see it succeed completely but I won’t give up.  I know it is wrong to give a child away, no matter your life circumstances, and I might not have seen my granddaughter Amaya this time, but when I do I will explain to her this is not normal behavior.

I’ve found out I don’t like being a vagabond, I’m a person who likes order even when traveling. I’ve been dragging my suitcases  into many homes this trip. I didn’t expect this, and because I needed to hire an attorney in this emergency situation I had to ask people for help. They all stepped up and I have reconnected with people I was long overdue to see, including my son. As I met up with everyone I was discovering they all have advice for me, and I have listened. I’ve laughed more than I have in a long time, and I’ve talked and have been given validation for my concerns. I’ve snuggled with my mother’s former caregiver who embraced me like she always did when she was at my house all the time. She made me smile with stories of CJ and Misha. Her son made the best fried chicken I’ve ever had and she pressed my shirt before I left because she didn’t want me to have on a wrinkled shirt. Little acts of love, and kindness that have brought joy back to my shattered heart.

My friend who asked me the question about how I get through life, made me giggle with memories too. Reminiscing about those memories of my children’s childhood was so wonderful. I realized and told her the same, I suppress my grief by not thinking about these bad things I can’t change. I also try not to think much about how I have a murdered daughter, and now a granddaughter who is being alienated against me. I have patience and I feel my lawyer Howard Friedman will prevail. It’s that simple and it works for me. I’m not sure if it’s healthy, but I’ve accomplished a lot even in all the adversity. So I guess my advice to others is, do what helps you. Because if you are not healthy, you will not be able to help anyone else.

My former nanny’s and my daughter’s best friend Destiny hold such special significance to me. Maybe it is my destiny that they are my children, along with my Jazmine who lives with me in Colombia. I’m certainly treated as if I’m their mother along with being given advice and a bit of typical behavior as I’ve watched them grow into lovely and loving young women. They delight my soul with the way they have chosen different life paths. They also give me something I really need, they let me feel like a mother to daughter’s. I was never able to complete my time with Misha, but I have them. I love them and love is truly what life is about. Especially, Gaby, and her little precious son. The last stop before I go back to my simple, minimalist life in Colombia. She has little chickens she hatched for her son. IMG_4721

If any of these wonderful young women are most like me, it would be Gaby. She has house chickens and she is as unique and free-spirited as I am. Look at her in her  boots! She never stops cleaning the house, just like I did for so many years. When I told her that I no longer need to do this in Colombia, she said good for you. You have found a life that is working for you. IMG_4722

She is right, I have found a life that works for me. Anyone who tries to demean or speak negative about my life and what I’ve accomplished are not worthy of an answer. I’m unique, I’m a survivor, and I will continue to share my thoughts because there are many of you who follow my blog that need to see you can get up and keep going even when life deals you blow after blow. I still have that smile on my face no matter what. The journey continues and at some point in time mine will be peaceful, without drama brought from others. Until that time, I am going to take in lessons that others teach me and use them to better myself.