Tag: child death

Posted in child death, family, Grief, Mass murder, Uncategorized

Constant Mass Murder

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/constant/

Life is constant, a web and flow of good and bad times. Losing a child cannot be classified in the above statement. Losing a child is the end of everyone’s lives, it destroys families, because there is a need to blame someone for the loss of a child. I am not disregarding the loss of lives of adults, I want to make that clear, I am speaking from my own personal perspective as the mother of a murdered child. My life changed, I changed, and it was and still is a horrible time that has left a mark upon my soul that will never be erased.

I will never understand how anyone can defend the rights of guns over lives. I just cannot accept this. Justice Scalia said that there is no constitutional right to have an assault weapon under the second amendment.

I want to write from my heart about the death of a child. Maybe someone will actually listen. The latest mass murder was in my home turf of South Florida. I am always deeply affected by these murdering rampages. I know that people say “hey get over your grief it has been 8 years”, but that is not how it is with the parents of murdered children(or for anyone, but I am keeping this to murdered children). We envision their lives every year after the death. We see them growing, becoming adults, maturing and making lives we as parents want to participate in. We don’t see them murdered by a person who just enters a school and shooting them to death, running for their lives over dead bodies. We don’t see them helping someone (as in the murder of my daughter) in the early hours of the morning being run down by a drunk, we don’t see that. We see the good future of our children. Then it is just gone in one moment in time. It really sucks. I awake every morning, (yes even 8 years later) feeling sad. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed, but I don’t. I get up because I have a purpose in my life. That purpose is to live for my daughter who didn’t get the chance to live her life. I have animals and they are always a reason to get up and get going in the morning. I have started a business, me who only worked for a big company my entire life. It is always very complicated and I have a lot to do to keep up with being a business owner. I have to admit, at times I wish I was still making money working for a big company. But I am doing something I know how to do, and that is to show people a wonderful time while being the hostess.

This is a very political issue, I realize this. But for me it is personal. I really don’t care if Villa Migelita Ecolodge loses business because I am speaking from my heart. Anyone who continues to say that because of the second amendment you have a right to own an assault rife, I disagree. You do not have a right to own a weapon of mass destruction, one that a teenager can buy easily, for that matter anyone at a gun show without the correct security checks. This is about money, blood money, made on the lives of our children.

Can I tell you that I am sad all the time, I probably will never have a good relationship again in my life, even with my own son who is so wounded and will never be the same. My granddaughter, who will never know how much her mother loved her, except from others who tell her this. I speak with her often and always share memories of Misha. I know she is confused, and she will never know how much Misha loved her. Because Misha was murdered.

These children of Parkland will show the world and Congress what can be accomplished by activism. I am so proud of them. But I know they will have this horror in their hearts forever of the running for their lives, hiding in closets, their friends dying in front of them, being lead out of school over their dead peers. They won’t lose these memories. So 8 years later, just like me, they will still be trying to grasp what makes them so sad. Some will achieve their dreams, some won’t be able to because such a horrible event has changed them.

You know we are all different. Some of us are really strong. Some are not. This is why we have personalities. My strength does not change my sadness, it makes me able to cope. But others won’t be able to cope, some will never be the same. Think about that, not just for Parkland but for all the mass killings that happen regularly in the United States.

So with that I leave this to you my followers to stand up, sign up and  register to vote if you are not registered, join groups protesting these do nothing members of Congress that continue to allow mass murder for money accepted by the NRA. I did what I could to bring justice for Misha and it didn’t work, but I tried for many years. You will win! You have the world on your side. I just had me.

 

 

 

Posted in Birders, child death, Colombia, Colombian life, country living, Entreprenuer, expat life, freedom, happiness, hotel, hummingbirds, mother nature, nature, Perfection and Peace, strength, Uncategorized

The Sounds of Silence

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/silence-2/

 

I have avoided silence since January 31, 2010. The day my daughter was murdered. I have learned lessons, and I have worked hard to get to the place I am in right now. I feel free. I am free of abuse, I am free of negative energy in my home, I am free of judgmental people, free of machismo men who thought they could control me, I am free of everything that was keeping me confined to thought processes that were obsessively full of fear and sadness. When you lose someone suddenly this is normal. But what I did was not normal, I left my own country and changed my life completely. I will never regret my decision to do what I have done, I have evolved and I know another language.

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New orchids that bloom overnight

I wake up to silence, not my iPad on a news station saying the same things over and over. This is how I would go to sleep since Misha died, almost 8 years now: cable news blah,blah, the same noise said again and again. Sad isn’t it? To think it took me 8 years to get to silence when I live in Paradise. The only sounds I should want to hear are the birds singing, the rain falling, the sound of music I put on when I make my coffee in the morning.

 

 

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Villa Migelita Ecolodge

I could lay in bed on many days and not get up. I don’t allow myself this luxury. I know I need to get going and function. I have known this since the shock from the death of my daughter left me. I would not allow myself to fall off a cliff in despair. I would not allow myself to use as an excuse her death to become a sad human being, or to become filled with anger at her murderer. I used her death to better myself. But still I lacked silence. My brain would not quit.

I started this blog, I learned to take photos and use them to share the beauty I live in. To show my hummingbirds to the world, to show my flowers and a different way of life to all. It has not been easy but I have found the silence I crave inside my brain. With that all the photos and videos I take enrich me more than ever. They bring me to a place that I have been striving to find. Quiet. Pure and complete stillness of being, and sometimes that elusive happiness.Hummingbirds and rainstorm 017

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My birds in Paradise

 

Butterfly video and photos 009
The Colombian and American flag represent who I am now
Posted in Alternative Lifestyle, Colombia, Colombian life, expat life, nature, Perfection and Peace

Being Alone vs Loneliness

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

When I moved to Colombia I was in a place of need. I needed rejuvenation of my spirit. I needed to get away from some awful lies and innuendos that were circulated by people I knew and loved. I can never say enough about how gossip can really hurt a person, especially when the true story is not known nor shared by the one who (me) was being trashed regularly. I really cared what people thought back then. I was always trying to defend myself. I wanted the truth to be known. Guess what? No one really cares. They love a good story, especially if it makes them feel better about themselves.

Do you know what makes a difference? Your own actions. They show people who you are not what they gossiped about. Your actions show the truth. Of course when someone is at the bottom like I was, you can only go upwards, which I have. However, there are still the haters. They are miserable in their own lives and want others to be the same. To them I say this: I wish them the best that they can find in their lives, I wish for them to find what I have found out. Life is about being a leader not a follower, life is about choosing your own path without worry about what other’s might say, life is only good for you if you are healthy in your mind and your spirit. My mantra is “don’t complain about what is past, make the most of what is now” I do believe I am doing this. I am living a life of purposeful meaning.

Now, I know many still condemn me for leaving my son at the age of 16 to  move to Colombia. I want to address that because if I was a man, then I wouldn’t be chastised for this decision. A big part of my life after my daughter’s death were the selections I made based on my situation at the time. I left because I could not win. I couldn’t then and maybe not even now. Life is to be enjoyed not endured. I want to emphasize this sentence because I was enduring my life during my divorce and the death of my daughter. I was enduring my life! I repeat this for those who are doing the same. Enduring your life is not living your life. You must be a bit selfish to come out ahead with any sort of growth. You must embrace yourself to embrace others. You must show who you are to the world. If we fill our lives with our real passions and purpose, and spend less time looking for approval then we can get further along a path of self-awareness.

Some nights you may lie awake thinking about the past, I do this often. It is sad for me to remember my sweet children when they were young and my marriage was happy. Then life happens. It just happens. You can’t control it. Even when you try so hard. But I have found regret leads you nowhere. It leads you to loneliness. It leads you to stairs that can never be climbed.

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The stairs of your future are in front of you

Those stairs of regret lead you to more regret and then you are overwhelmed with what your life could have been, should have been. But who is to say what life will be? I would never in 100 million years think I would end up in a country that had such a bad reputation. A country I can relate to. A country that has redeemed itself. As have I. So maybe my path of being alone, which equaled loneliness now shows me that being alone is not such a bad thing when you come out ahead.

I am alone without a life partner, but I am not lonely. I have had two marriages and one really amazing love affair, along with a journey to Colombia with a love who is now a friend. I have known true love with all, including my children. But the most important love is to find yourself and to love yourself. To give 100% to yourself. I have done that in these past years. I have meditated and thought about so many things. One is moving to Colombia. I still pinch myself when I wake up and see the beauty I am surrounded by.

 

Posted in child death, Children of deceased parents, expat life, Uncategorized

Thanks for the Love

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/resist/

Every year when the anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches I face the dilemma about whether or not I should remark about it on my Facebook. I then think of Misha and what she would want. She would definitely want to have the spotlight for a day. So I put a memorial to her on my feed.

This year I was overwhelmed with the lovely thoughts everyone has written, and I want to thank you for them. As the years go by I worry I will forget memories or they will fade, sometimes I even get her age wrong. How can this be? I think because I will always remember her as 20 years old: the age at which she left this world. I have so many photos of her growing up and I sometimes look through them just to refresh my mind about life moments that were special. It hurts of course when I look through past memories but they also make my heart smile.

Misha was a lover of social media, she got me started on Facebook, and Twitter. I am so inept at these things that I talk to her in my mind sometimes when I am trying to figure a new app out, when something can’t be downloaded, or is downloaded but I don’t know where to look for it. She was a whiz at all of it and as the years pass and we become more entwined with all that social media offers, such as Netflix, Smart TV’s, all the phones and more that are our lifelines I know she would be loving all of it.

So thank you all for taking a moment out of your day to send love to me and to Misha who is still with me everyday here in my beautiful Villa. She is with me when I look at the hummingbirds, or when I rescue one. She is with me when the beautiful Ibis that have made their resting spot in the Norfolk pine come to visit. She is with me because I buried her ashes in a garden made especially for her, and I see the butterflies all around her on the flowers. She is with me because she loved animals and she would love all of mine. She is with me in my heart until I leave this world and hopefully am reunited with her soul.

 

 

Posted in Colombia, nature, Uncategorized, wildfires

The Gatlinburg Fires Destroy a Culture of Life and Tourism

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/culture/

To say I’m devastated is an understatement about the Tennessee fires in Gatlinburg. As the mother of a deceased child there are triggers that bring back the pain of loss.  A song. A smell.  A place. A memory.

Yesterday a community that is so special to my heart was all over social media because it is burning. Gatlinburg, Tennessee. The beautiful Smoky mountains where I spent 12 summers with my children. A place so like where I live now; Colombia, South America. When I first came to Colombia I noticed the similarities immediately. Now that I live here, I am reminded of the lovely times in the Smoky mountains,  recollections of complete happiness. Enjoying my children’s childhood as they spent their time outside playing, hiking, learning to love nature like I do.

We had property in a plush RV resort just outside of Gatlinburg. My son learned to swim and ride a bike there. My daughter was only 4 when we first started spending time in Gatlinburg, my son a new baby just a few months old. We were there for the opening of the Aquarium that was a favored spot to visit with my children. We had my children’s friends from South Florida come with us for the summer every year. There was the 4th of July parade where they decorated their bikes while us adults watched as they rode through the RV park. The hikes on the many trails in the Smoky Mountains, the tubing in the freezing water, and the swimming in natural pools. The sadness of leaving when it was time to pack up and go home, back to our huge house after living in a trailer for a summer. Maybe this is why I’m a minimalist now. Those times in our trailer were the happiest times I remember. I could spend all my time with my children instead of  always cleaning and keeping the perfect house. I cherished my summers in the Great Smoky Mountains.

A painting Misha did in Elementary School of the Smoky Mountains
Me with the kids on a hike in Gatlinburg
No Way Jose’s of Gatlinburg T-shirts
My son started tubing early in Gatlinburg

The complete freedom we felt living a life that was one with nature. I even ruptured my ACL while telling a story around a campfire. A funny remembrance that my daughter Misha loved to retell to all of her friends as she grew up. I was telling a ghost story around a campfire and slipped on a small hill that was wet from an earlier rain. The kids all thought I was acting, but I was crying out in pain! The using of dryer sheets in our hair to keep the gnats away (like in the photo above). The special places we frequented, and loved. The sighting of a bear, a deer, of nature. The visits to Cade’s Cove. The back to school shopping in Pigeon Forge, the season passes to Dollywood and the many country music concerts we attended of up and coming stars. We saw Keith Urban, Brad Paisley, Sawyer Brown, Steve Wariner, and many more before they were really huge country favorites. That tiny theater at Dollywood was a place I will never forget. Yes, these memories keep my daughter alive in my mind.

Now Gatlinburg is burning. I see the places I frequented gone. The small wedding chapel that Keith Urban told a story about when he came onstage at Dollywood is gone. He was coming to play our concert : he stopped and entered the ceremony and sang for the bride and groom!

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The Wedding Chapel near Dollywood

The Welcome Center of the Smoky Mountains. This was the first place I visited with my children when I fell in love with Gatlinburg.

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The Place every visitor to the Smoky Mountains needs to visit before exploring the beauty of nature in Gatlinburg

 

The nature that was the most important part of these beautiful mountains.

The ride through Cade’s Cove with my daughter on bicycles and the spotting of baby bear cubs. Seeing wild Turkey’s, and deer grazing. How can I not feel sad? This was a time of my life that was joyous, without stress, and with many lovely memories.

So I wrote my ex husband and one of the children whom my kids grew up with. The ORA resort is still standing. My ex and I might not get along, but we remember these wonderful times. The memories keep us in sync, no matter where we have gone in our lives. My children’s childhood friend who is now a grown man gave me some good advice. He said “the ecosystem has had this happen before, it will grow and reproduce. The poor of Sevier county will have new jobs to benefit growth of the community. This will pass like the hurricanes that hit, or Earthquakes in other countries.” It was oddly calming to me. A man now, but I remember him as a child. He had a great way of making me feel better.

So I will let my heart grieve as I always do, a past time when my daughter was alive, when I was extremely happy. A culture, a life that I loved and still love. The outdoors. It is burning in Gatlinburg, TN. But I am enjoying nature here in Colombia. A life of freedom and peace. I need to learn to let things go, the things I have no control over. We all do.

 

Posted in Colombia, Colombian life, Perfection and Peace, Uncategorized

The Authentic Life I Have In Colombia

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/discover-challenges/radical-authenticity/

I moved to Colombia to find myself, and I did. I felt stuck in circumstances that were harmful to me at the time of my decision to move. We always have choices. I had an ex-husband stalking my every move, and fallout from a bitter divorce. Then I realized I didn’t need to live the way I was living. I could find a better way. So I did. You can too. No need to allow anyone or anything to control your life choices. End of story. I am proof that another way to live is possible and just around the corner if you keep your options open.

What I thought about when I wasn’t searching for an answer to my life situation was unpleasant. I was wracked with anxiety about the future. My healthcare, my home which was being foreclosed on because of vengeful ex, my animals, my life in general. I needed to find a way to survive the madness of a time in my life that was my worst nightmare. With my decision to move to a new country came a freedom I doubt many people have. I live authentically. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I don’t watch posts on Facebook as they are never the real story.  I just look outside my window as the hummingbirds fly around me for validation.

So how did I come to this place in my life? I will admit when my daughter was murdered by a drunk driver in the middle of that horrific divorce, I hit rock bottom. But still I got up and got going again, because that is who I am. I am not a person who is sedentary. I am an action person to the maximum I can be. I remember walking into my Pilates class a week after my daughter was killed while my friends and classmates looked shocked to see me. I had to go on. It is a choice one must make no matter your circumstance. You can choose to be sad and depressed or live your life. I decided to live. I am not happy all the time, no one can be. We have a life to live and with that life comes reality.

A life that may appear wonderful to others, can fall apart in a second! Too many people live their lives to impress others. I have learned I don’t need to do that. I live my life for myself only. I am a free spirit. I am an eagle in flight flowing through my current life with knowledge I didn’t have previously. I am a person who is alone, but yet very connected to others. I am happy to the best of my ability. No matter how many times I have erred in my life I am way ahead of those who do nothing to change their circumstances.

Even when you make mistakes during a turbulent time you can stand strong. How you react to happenings in your life is a definition of whom you are. I have discovered that being alone is often better than being around people who mean nothing to me but a night out. I love my alone time. I study Spanish, I write, I watch nature around me, I hike, I enjoy my animals, I appreciate my home and the views I see that would never have happened if I was still in the United States. If you really want change you will find a way. You will live your authentic life. I have done it. I will never say it is perfect. It is not. There is NO such thing as perfect. It is a myth. But there is such a thing as living authentically. I have found it.

 

 

 

 

Posted in child death, Colombian life, Perfection and Peace, Uncategorized

A Thin Line

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/narrow/

Life isn’t a narrow path upon which we walk in a certain direction. Life is curves and loops, a winding road to a quest which is impossible to predict. We can try our hardest to obtain our desires, but then something changes and so do we. We have to adapt to what is given to us.

We can take any direction, thinking it is the right one. But along comes a bump and that deviation changes everything forever. What we get is often not what we expect nor what we have planned for. We need to adapt. We need to think broadly in terms of our future. We can’t be limited in our observations of life and the world. We must be open to all possibilities.

There are lines we should not cross, immoral ones. Those are the exceptions. We have to stay true to our own moral compass and find our own truths. But we cannot follow a thin line. To follow that line without an ability to change is to become stuck without  experiencing everything you need to see in a life that can be way too short.

If we look at life in such a way that we know it is fleeting, then we can expand and grow. We can find ourselves even when we feel everything is falling apart. Because we are

First Visit to Colombia
Having fun driving in the mountains!

the future, we have free will.

That is how I have adapted to the death of my daughter. I know she had free will. I was not responsible for her choices as she matured. I did my best, but I am still haunted. I always will be. I will never know if I could have changed the outcome. I will always think about the thin line.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/layers/

As we age we get wiser. Layers of life. Life, does it continually evolve? Or does it change as we evolve? I often wonder about my own life…the developments that made me who I am now. Sometimes, it is like the past was a dream. I am living completely who I want to be at this time, with a life that many dream they can live. Even the most rich on this Earth don’t have the freedom to enjoy life the way I do now. But I have this underlying sadness. It is like I have had so many stages that all came together and then just stopped when my daughter was murdered.

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A construction pile that is like my mind when I have a bad dream about my past.

Then came Colombia. Where I see myself as I should be for the first time. At one with nature and my surroundings. I live with a heart filled with questions, and an eye’s view of all the beauty that surrounds me daily. The questions haunt me always, I feel them prying into my soul every night when I try to have a peaceful nights sleep. Then I awaken with birds singing and mountain views and I find that tiny corner in my mind that allows me to go on. With these life pictures I see every day I am able to overcome a lot of hurt and sadness. I have come to crave solitude as I age. I want silence. I want to feel the Universe vibrate in my soul. I want to find what my life is supposed to mean. Will I ever be able to do this? I don’t know. It is impossible to even say, as each day is like a wave that breaks at the shore of the ocean. A wave that can be fierce from a storm approaching, or soft like a summer evening with a beautiful sunset. Layers of life. Pictures will always speak for me. I take them randomly with no thought besides the image that appears in front of my view. I see so much beauty in simple things now. I wish I could go back and stress that to my children. That you need to live without a need to impress, that you need to live in such a way that you will never be ashamed of who you are, that you need to live without the need to hurt others: even when you have been hurt so badly you feel so angry. That is what I am discovering each time I click my camera, the images are part of me.

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My view of a beautiful tree while out mountain biking
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The rose that is dying then the new bloom reflects rebirth to me

I am slowly blooming again. I am taking my life back. It took moving to a new country to discover just who I am. I am a strong woman, I am a mother, grandmother and a person of integrity. I no longer hold in what I feel. If I need to say something I do. I will not ever allow anyone to control or intimidate me. I will be honest, I will also be forgiving to the best of my ability. I will grow stronger each day as my layers unfold. That is who I am now. A person with strength to say what I mean, and to let go of what I need to. I will thrive despite a past that hurts me so much. A past others brought to me, but I tried to fix. It never worked. I will no longer fix anyone but myself, because you just can’t. I have learned that in the layers of myself.

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Roses growing strong to the sky

I will continue to do what I need to do, despite the displeasure of others. I no longer care. I only care to do the right thing in a world filled with madness. A world filled with uncertainty and immaturity. A world filled with judgmental people who have no right to judge. I will ignore that and look towards the layers that define me. I will inspire others, and I will show strength and beauty through my photos; photos of many layers. Layers of life, layers that show the sweetness of life, not the adversity. A life I have made by standing tall and proud, no matter what others might say. I have defined my life through these layers and I will continue to do so, no matter how much sadness I endure.Mountain bike ride 053

Understanding the Layers of Life

Posted in child death

Truthful Words About the Death of My Daughter

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Yesterday was just lousy. By that I  mean really damn horrible. I actually cried for most of the afternoon, until I fell asleep, it was that kind of lousy day. It was a day I want to erase from my memory. But just maybe this post will show others about proper etiquette when dealing with the death of a child.

I had someone tag me on Facebook about finding a dog almost dead on the side of the road and trying to save it. She wrote that all she could think of was me and what happened with my daughter who was left dead on the side of a highway after she was murdered by a hit and run driver. I know she meant well. I actually answered that I was glad the dog had someone to hold it while it died..because I was. In actuality, I should have said ” please take me out of this post as I can’t handle the image you just sent to me that I pictured as my daughter instead of the poor dog”. She wrote of blood coming out of the dog’s mouth, and of it taking its last breath. All I could think of was my daughter and what she must have looked like laying there on the side of the road when she was hit. Was she still alive? Did she suffer? The questions that I have worked 6 years to overcome, and in one moment this ignorant post brought them back. It was horrible to envision, especially at 6 am in the morning when I first awoke.

It doesn’t matter if it was just last week or 6 years later, parents of a deceased child are not any better than they were when they first heard the news that their child is dead, they have just learned to live with their grief. Some such as me have made positive changes in their lives, while others struggle daily to just get up in the morning and go on with life. We parents of a deceased child know about letting go of certainty, and a willingness to embrace life as it is. That is what happens when you finally are starting to adjust to the death of your child. The biggest obstacle to overcome is your mind, and it is important when you respond to others you use control as your response is your power.

So, let us explore my reaction to this awful but totally well-meaning post. I handled everything wrong. I should have written a nice message to her to take it down, as it was very upsetting to me. But, I didn’t. I answered the post honestly about how hard it is for me to still live with the murderer of my daughter free on probation, but I was happy she was able to be there to comfort the dog. A few more comments and it was over. I know she did not know how severely she had affected me. People are oblivious about the way grief can paralyze a person. I went on with my day but was very sad. My companion kept asking me “what is wrong Michele?” I couldn’t really put it into words as I knew I should have shut down the post immediately…then I kept getting notifications from others commenting and I went to stop the notifications and the post was gone. I was relieved and wrote my friend that I knew she meant well and I felt happy that she had thought of Misha. I didn’t say anything unkind, nor confrontational because I am not that way. But then, I am tagged again with the same post. She took it down and put it back up. That made me angry. I try to embrace a way of living that is not argumentative but it vexed me when it went up again. I had felt incredible pain answering the first post and now I had to answer again? Once more I will accept the blame as I should have ignored this second post. This pressure of social media is truly intense at times, especially when my name is mentioned and I am the reason for the post. So I commented that I had said something earlier and that I was very pleased with my life in Colombia with hummingbirds, butterflies and nature. That I felt her with me and I had gone on to create Villa Migelita in her name  and put my website along with my answer.

This is when it got ugly. Not in a horrible way, but let’s be honest, it was not nice, because I show that I have gone on to create a life my daughter would be proud of…which I also said…and I got a response from someone who was just being mean. Seriously, shouldn’t this person have written, “good for you to have created this dream in your daughter’s memory?” Instead I’m reprimanded for putting my website on the post!  If it was inappropriate to put my website there ‘oh well’ ! The post was about my daughter who was left dead like the dog at the side of the road and I was showing people I have moved forward! When it comes to social drama, letting go of other people’s rude remarks is the best step forward.  Most haters don’t really hate you; they just hate where they are in life, and you’re a reflection of what they wish to become.

My heart is bruised from yesterday, and is still bruised today. I have a good life now. I have maids, they see me crying. They become upset. They come to me to ask what is wrong and I tell them the truth; that I was reminded of a picture I saw in the newspaper the very morning after I found out about Misha’s death because of someone who is my friend. She was lying on the side of the road covered by a black bag, but I knew it was my daughter. I don’t want to picture her that way. I want to see her like the cover photo on this blog. I know I will continue to heal until I die. Life is always changing, when something ends or leaves something new happens. I know my sad crying jag will soon be gone, but I won’t get over it quickly. It is just not possible when it is my child I am talking about, and she is dead.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

You Are All My Daughters

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The anniversary of my daughter’s death was yesterday. Such a dismal day: one I will live the rest of my life, an affiliation that no one wants, but many share with me. We are members of a somber club, one that only we as the parents of a deceased child understand. We carry extreme grief that has settled into our very being.  Many people assume we get better as the years go by, but we don’t; we continue with the same heartache year in and year out. In fact, if possible to feel anything worse after you lose a child, you do as the years go by as you imagine where they would be in life at whatever age they would be as the date of their death passes.

Every year as the date approaches I get anxious. I fear the day so much. Believe me that I hate a lot of the days of the year now: Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas, my birthday, and the list goes on. As she would be getting older, I imagine what she would have accomplished. What we could do together, what we would talk about as she matured, as her daughter Amaya was growing up. Those who knew my daughter and me; know she died when we were at a point of separation in our lives. Not only did I lose my daughter, but I lost her when she wasn’t speaking to me. It has taken me a long time to accept this, but I have. As her mother I am sure I made mistakes; but she made many also. I loved her unconditionally but I had to let her be whom she wanted to be. It never worked out when I tried to help her. So I had to let go. Letting go is not easy. I read her twitter posts and knew she was doing pretty well for herself. She was still going to school even with a child and lived with her best friend; she seemed to be happy with her life. I assumed she would grow up and we would grow close again when she matured some. I never had that chance to regain the closeness we once had because she was murdered by a hit and run driver. A harsh lesson for me. So as the years go by I imagine we would have reunited, and made peace. In fact, I know we would have been fine with each other within that same year, if she wasn’t taken so suddenly. I have made my peace with that.

Now when I look back on my life with my daughter I see so many photos of joyful times. Our summers in the mountains were especially wonderful. We had the most amazing years hiking the Great Smoky Mountains every summer, shopping for her back to school clothes, decorating her room so many times, having her friends come on vacations with us, enjoying our animals, leaning on each other more than a few times. We were very close. I know that now. A short period of growing up does not speak for the life of my daughter whom I raised to be a good person. She proved how special she was by the cause of her death. She was trying to help someone she saw get hit by a car.

As the years pass and the anniversary of her death approaches I have decided to look at all the pictures I have of Misha. I will rejoice in the short life she did have, and I will smile at the memories. I will share the milestones Misha never had with her friends whom are still in my life. They are all my daughters, as they grew up in my house with Misha. My house was one in which her friends were always welcome. They share stories with me still. I will enjoy their new marriages, births, photos of family like they are my own daughters. I know that is what Misha would want. When I meet  new young people who are the same age as Misha I will embrace the fact they are living their lives well and be happy for their accomplishments. I can’t have this with my daughter, but every time my granddaughter celebrates a milestone, I will say a prayer that Misha somehow knows from wherever she is now. I will continue to live my best life in the name of my deceased daughter. I will hopefully educate those who do not know any better that we who have lost a child, no matter what the circumstances, never get over it. We just get on with our lives. That is the best we can do.