Tag: memories

Posted in child death, Colombia, parents of deceased children, survivor, Uncategorized

A Birthstone Ring

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

Sometimes, when I look at this ring, my heart hurts, but I feel joy from those same memories on other days. It is the ring I gave Misha when she was four years old with her birthstone, a garnet, and tiny diamond chips. I remember her delight in having a ‘big girl ring’ and how much she loved it. I found it in a jewelry box left behind after her death. I was surprised it fit my finger, yet my mom had tiny hands, and I do too.

From this same jewelry box are gold earrings that I wear with hearts. I feel closer to her when I have something of hers touching my skin now that she is gone. She had a lot of beautiful jewelry that went missing after her death. Her roommates took her things. It caused me distress because I knew that it was a robbery. I had one say to me that she has the cross that was given to her at her first communion, again with the same birthstones, and I have seen photos of her wearing it. I was so broken at the time of her death I didn’t fight for her things and accepted these thefts. But now I wish I had them to give to my granddaughter; her baby was two years old when she died.

Amaya is 16 now. I wish a lot of things for her. I wish I had the wedding dress I married Misha’s father in. I wish I had saved more of my designer clothes for Amaya. I wish I had the christening gown I gave Misha when she was pregnant. I bought it in Ireland. These things are gone, and I don’t know where.

My mother was so good at saving things for me. I have my old Barbies and even a Skipper and Ken doll. They are worn from use as I let everyone play with them through the years. I have albums of pictures in the basement, yet I have not looked at them for years. I want to organize them, but the hurt comes back, and I suppress it by not sorting through everything. Someday I will. I know that I have a lot to say, and I need to put all of my blogs together into a book.

Old things bring back memories, and memories bring back sadness, which causes me to stifle my feelings. I know I will someday sit here and write everything down—every feeling, every memory, all of my simple thoughts, my complicated thoughts—everything. It will be cathartic. It will be an autobiography and a memorial, all in one book. It will be years of my life coming together, represented by many old things that are left behind.

Mother’s Day brings me to a dark place where I feel incomplete because Misha isn’t here. I will start putting all of my blogs together soon. I will have a name for my book: She Left to Begin Again. I will describe how I have found peace in Colombia while telling my and Misha’s stories together. I promise that is on my agenda. While I am wearing her old things, I wish she was still here with me.

Posted in child death, Children of deceased parents, expat life, Uncategorized

Thanks for the Love

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/resist/

Every year when the anniversary of my daughter’s death approaches I face the dilemma about whether or not I should remark about it on my Facebook. I then think of Misha and what she would want. She would definitely want to have the spotlight for a day. So I put a memorial to her on my feed.

This year I was overwhelmed with the lovely thoughts everyone has written, and I want to thank you for them. As the years go by I worry I will forget memories or they will fade, sometimes I even get her age wrong. How can this be? I think because I will always remember her as 20 years old: the age at which she left this world. I have so many photos of her growing up and I sometimes look through them just to refresh my mind about life moments that were special. It hurts of course when I look through past memories but they also make my heart smile.

Misha was a lover of social media, she got me started on Facebook, and Twitter. I am so inept at these things that I talk to her in my mind sometimes when I am trying to figure a new app out, when something can’t be downloaded, or is downloaded but I don’t know where to look for it. She was a whiz at all of it and as the years pass and we become more entwined with all that social media offers, such as Netflix, Smart TV’s, all the phones and more that are our lifelines I know she would be loving all of it.

So thank you all for taking a moment out of your day to send love to me and to Misha who is still with me everyday here in my beautiful Villa. She is with me when I look at the hummingbirds, or when I rescue one. She is with me when the beautiful Ibis that have made their resting spot in the Norfolk pine come to visit. She is with me because I buried her ashes in a garden made especially for her, and I see the butterflies all around her on the flowers. She is with me because she loved animals and she would love all of mine. She is with me in my heart until I leave this world and hopefully am reunited with her soul.

 

 

Posted in Colombia, nature, Uncategorized, wildfires

The Gatlinburg Fires Destroy a Culture of Life and Tourism

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/culture/

To say I’m devastated is an understatement about the Tennessee fires in Gatlinburg. As the mother of a deceased child there are triggers that bring back the pain of loss.  A song. A smell.  A place. A memory.

Yesterday a community that is so special to my heart was all over social media because it is burning. Gatlinburg, Tennessee. The beautiful Smoky mountains where I spent 12 summers with my children. A place so like where I live now; Colombia, South America. When I first came to Colombia I noticed the similarities immediately. Now that I live here, I am reminded of the lovely times in the Smoky mountains,  recollections of complete happiness. Enjoying my children’s childhood as they spent their time outside playing, hiking, learning to love nature like I do.

We had property in a plush RV resort just outside of Gatlinburg. My son learned to swim and ride a bike there. My daughter was only 4 when we first started spending time in Gatlinburg, my son a new baby just a few months old. We were there for the opening of the Aquarium that was a favored spot to visit with my children. We had my children’s friends from South Florida come with us for the summer every year. There was the 4th of July parade where they decorated their bikes while us adults watched as they rode through the RV park. The hikes on the many trails in the Smoky Mountains, the tubing in the freezing water, and the swimming in natural pools. The sadness of leaving when it was time to pack up and go home, back to our huge house after living in a trailer for a summer. Maybe this is why I’m a minimalist now. Those times in our trailer were the happiest times I remember. I could spend all my time with my children instead of  always cleaning and keeping the perfect house. I cherished my summers in the Great Smoky Mountains.

A painting Misha did in Elementary School of the Smoky Mountains
Me with the kids on a hike in Gatlinburg
No Way Jose’s of Gatlinburg T-shirts
My son started tubing early in Gatlinburg

The complete freedom we felt living a life that was one with nature. I even ruptured my ACL while telling a story around a campfire. A funny remembrance that my daughter Misha loved to retell to all of her friends as she grew up. I was telling a ghost story around a campfire and slipped on a small hill that was wet from an earlier rain. The kids all thought I was acting, but I was crying out in pain! The using of dryer sheets in our hair to keep the gnats away (like in the photo above). The special places we frequented, and loved. The sighting of a bear, a deer, of nature. The visits to Cade’s Cove. The back to school shopping in Pigeon Forge, the season passes to Dollywood and the many country music concerts we attended of up and coming stars. We saw Keith Urban, Brad Paisley, Sawyer Brown, Steve Wariner, and many more before they were really huge country favorites. That tiny theater at Dollywood was a place I will never forget. Yes, these memories keep my daughter alive in my mind.

Now Gatlinburg is burning. I see the places I frequented gone. The small wedding chapel that Keith Urban told a story about when he came onstage at Dollywood is gone. He was coming to play our concert : he stopped and entered the ceremony and sang for the bride and groom!

tennessee-fire-6
The Wedding Chapel near Dollywood

The Welcome Center of the Smoky Mountains. This was the first place I visited with my children when I fell in love with Gatlinburg.

tennessee-fire-4
The Place every visitor to the Smoky Mountains needs to visit before exploring the beauty of nature in Gatlinburg

 

The nature that was the most important part of these beautiful mountains.

The ride through Cade’s Cove with my daughter on bicycles and the spotting of baby bear cubs. Seeing wild Turkey’s, and deer grazing. How can I not feel sad? This was a time of my life that was joyous, without stress, and with many lovely memories.

So I wrote my ex husband and one of the children whom my kids grew up with. The ORA resort is still standing. My ex and I might not get along, but we remember these wonderful times. The memories keep us in sync, no matter where we have gone in our lives. My children’s childhood friend who is now a grown man gave me some good advice. He said “the ecosystem has had this happen before, it will grow and reproduce. The poor of Sevier county will have new jobs to benefit growth of the community. This will pass like the hurricanes that hit, or Earthquakes in other countries.” It was oddly calming to me. A man now, but I remember him as a child. He had a great way of making me feel better.

So I will let my heart grieve as I always do, a past time when my daughter was alive, when I was extremely happy. A culture, a life that I loved and still love. The outdoors. It is burning in Gatlinburg, TN. But I am enjoying nature here in Colombia. A life of freedom and peace. I need to learn to let things go, the things I have no control over. We all do.