This is a hard photo challenge for me because I want to say how fleeting life is, which is so cliché. How desperately short life can be, which is also so cliché. I want to wallow in the grief of my daughter’s death. How I search for memories now that it has been 7 years since she was murdered. What I go through every single day, when I open my eyes in the morning. How angry I am that the man who killed my daughter walks free due to a corrupt judge. I want to share to others how hard it is to accept a death of a child that was so senseless it leaves me weak with sadness. All the years that have disappeared like they never existed. I want others who have never had extreme grief to understand. It is difficult to let it go. I try, but I always have it there in my heart. So I just write my feelings down and I take photos of the this absolutely beautiful country that I live in now. Colombia. We have a lot in common. Death, senseless death, which is not something people can just let go of. We survive. We continue. But we remember. These photos are for my daughter, who fades ever so slowly from my memory. I still walk and meditate for her in all the beautiful areas right outside my door. It helps but it doesn’t keep me from missing the woman she could have become.
Source: Forest Bathing
I have found since moving to Colombia I have gotten better at embracing the present moment. I don’t spend much time in my mind, I spend it looking at what is in front of me each day. When I start my hikes I am always in the present time. This is why I recommend for everyone to hike in the forest, or park, anywhere there are trees, birds and nature.
So as I descend I stop and enjoy every moment. It can be goats milk being sold. It could be just a view of the mountains as the fog descends for just a second. Maybe my path that I walk. It brings me peace. I descend slowly. I stop and I meditate at my favorite river. I sit for a while and think of things that are bothering me. We can all do this, whether you live in the forest like me, or in the city. JUST stop for a few minutes and reflect. Ask the Universe for what you need. Let go of the pain you feel. I feel pain every single day, I let it go on my hikes. It works. I know this as I live my life in the present moment.
All I know is this: I feel better after I walk. Just do it. Don’t procrastinate and turn on the TV. I hardly ever watch television during the day. I do outdoor things, I write, I study Spanish, or I just read. Don’t let yourself descend into a path of depression. It is very easy to do. Even when I don’t sleep well, I make myself get out and look at what surrounds me in Colombia. I then come home and I feel better. You will too.
So often I fret about what will be my lasting impression on this world we all share and live in. My last blog was about reflections on motherhood and other things, and now I write about heritage, my legacy in life. What will I leave to others? I need to be honest, I don’t know. Maybe I will be like a painter who becomes famous for their artwork later in life. I certainly have taken chances in life. I have so much to say in my photos and words. But I can’t share many things on my blog. I will in my book someday: if I actually ever finish it. When you start to write and realize you really have to expose yourself, it is hard to tell of our mistakes of which I have many.
I Feel it Coming, I am so ready to share my words of life as I know it. My heritage, my life. It seems that so many do these days. We all have blogs, we all have a life. But do we actually share honestly? I will try to do that. I really need to do this, for all of you who follow me. I was never perfect. I was never the best mom there was. I was a pretty good mom though. I was all in with my children. So why do some parents have great children and some don’t? I have come to the conclusion that I did the best I could with the man I was married to, and he has to accept he is part of the problem that existed. Especially, when he tortured me when my daughter was murdered. Yes, he did horrible things to me that I am sure he still thinks about, along with his sister.
That being said, I will say my heritage will be Colombia. I love it here. I have days when I am sad, I have days when I am super happy. I have days. The end. Here are some photos of my life and my hikes. The hikes make me happy. Better than any words of comfort that anyone can send me. I live my life, I love my life, I just do what I need to do to survive after my daughter was murdered.