Living Fully in Colombia: A Grief Journey

Here we are again. A new year has started, and I am still processing the year before with goals and thoughts on how to keep them. Today is the anniversary of the death of my daughter. Who else feels like time goes by too quickly? Misha will permanently be in my mind as a twenty-year-old, and when I think of her aging, I always wonder where she would be now at this moment in time. Last year, I started focusing on gratitude daily to keep me centered when things overwhelmed me. I can look around and find something to be grateful for in a second. This practice helps me deal with the grief that is always with me. At times, my Glamping business in Colombia, a unique blend of glamour and camping, gets very busy, and I do my regular appointments and life chores while running a hotel, which requires a good team around me. I’m so grateful for my employees, friends, son, and everyone who is always supportive and there for me. Staying focused and breathing works well; believe me when I say this. I know it is hard, but we all need to return to the happy places in our lives, whatever they may be. I have often said I have found that happy place while living in Colombia, but I can still find ways to improve and work on that frequently misrepresented place.

I know that life gets stressful for all of us, but focusing on what we can appreciate will bring back the calm you might lose during an unexpectedly stressful life event, even an event that happened fifteen years ago when that drunk driver killed Misha. I didn’t realize so many years ago when I lost my daughter, that I handled her death with grace and mindfulness. I was overwhelmed with negativity, but I stayed centered throughout. I credit my mother and father for giving me self-confidence while growing up and always believing in myself. During this time, I found myself grieving but also losing friends who didn’t know what I had gone through before her death. The loss of these friends was a painful reminder of the impact of grief on relationships. I made some decisions based on what I was experiencing during that time. If I hadn’t acted on what I needed to do to save myself, I wouldn’t be here in Colombia with the beautiful life I have created! A life that has helped others, including my son, who loves Colombia and wants to continue my business when I no longer can. Again, Colombia is always number one when I think of three things to be grateful for daily. I didn’t realize it until years into my life here, but Colombia is undoubtedly my home. The mind can be a battleground for all of us because we always imagine the worst when confronting and exploring options in life. Then we overthink our decisions; maybe we shouldn’t. Perhaps we should do what feels right even when the outside world disapproves.

I laugh to myself now about the silly questions from old friends who worried about me and my safety when I moved here almost fourteen years ago. I don’t feel threatened by crime, especially the gun violence that plagues the USA, climate change disasters which so far haven’t affected me where I live, political extremism, health insurance, which is fantastic here in Colombia, and medical bills that are non-existent, a stressful lifestyle, inflation, racism, or economic upheaval; my rights are not under attack, and I have no worries about my immigrant status as I am in the process of becoming of Colombian citizen starting this year. After many years of living in a foreign country, I realize now that I am without many everyday things that worry others who live in my former home of the United States.

My health has remained good, but I am thankful for my excellent health insurance in Colombia. I used it a lot this year. In the spring, I fell from a silly misstep and had to go to the hospital. Fortunately, I didn’t break anything, but my hip feels pain when the weather changes. I had a physical in February and am still following up on tests. I don’t usually post much about my health as it has been good, but this is a good paragraph for those who want to know about preventative health care, which is how Colombian doctors practice. During my yearly physical, a youngish doctor ordered many tests for me last year. When I went for the tests covered by my insurance, the examiner would say, “Do you have a problem, and I would answer not that I know of.” Well, they found a problem that I was unaware of. How about that? The doctor ordered a heart halter, and palpitations occur infrequently throughout the day.

I have an arrhythmia, and it is treatable and not dangerous at this time. As we enter 2025, I have had to go to Cali for tests and to visit a cardiologist. I’m not thrilled because someone must drive me to the medical center in Imbanco, South Cali, Colombia. I have an excellent cardiologist who speaks English and is really cool. An internist found my problem during my yearly physical, and it was a series of different tests until I visited Imbanco for a stress test. I was told immediately after the test what my problem was. I like that you don’t have to wait to hear results from another doctor and stay with fears in mind for a couple of weeks. The stress test was no walk in the park, literally! First, I was placed on my side with a lot of sticky patches called electrodes around the heart area. These patches record your heartbeat and connect to a computer that displays the test results. The assistant records my resting heart rate as dictated by the doctor. The doctor, speaking to me in Spanish (I impressed myself with my ability to understand technical, medical words), told me I would now go to the treadmill. He explained when we were done, he would let me know, and I must go very quickly to the hospital bed nearby and lay on my side so he could use the sonogram and get results of my heart’s activity after the physical activity. I started with a simple walk that continued to get more challenging by increasing the difficulty, incline, and ease of walking. I was winded when he gave me the four-second warning to get to the bed. My mind was thinking, “I have something wrong,” as I lay there breathing heavily and feeling the pounding of my heart in my head! Imagine my surprise when the doctor said, “Your heart is very healthy, but you have an arrhythmia.” I have an appointment in February to see the cardiologist again, and I will probably be prescribed a beta blocker for my problem. The moral of this story is to get a yearly physical and to follow up on your required tests. I was slow about finishing appointments because of my business obligations and could have had something more serious. I also realize my health is the most important thing after this heart scare, and I will enter each day being thankful for the healthcare I have here in Colombia.

Remember, any goals we make don’t come fast and easy. When I moved to Colombia, I aimed to open a Bed and Breakfast hotel. Fourteen years later, I have it, and it is a nice business that keeps me busy, helps me maintain this beautiful property I own, and gives me a purpose in life. Despite many blips along the road to success, I never gave up on my dream. The trick is to enjoy each day and appreciate where you are right now. I often look back to COVID-19 and think my business wouldn’t be able to continue, but my new idea of glamping cabins came out of the pandemic. I was surprised by the success of that venture. Always listen to the ideas you find in your mind; they can lead you to more ideas and reshape your goals and personal achievements. I like to impress myself. It is never about competing with others; it is about falling asleep knowing you are doing your best. Again, try to impress yourself, using gratitude, mindfulness, and thinking of solutions instead of complaints. If all we do is think of the bad things that can occur on any given day, we don’t allow our minds to remember the good things that are also there.

Finally, remember that the most ordinary things become wonderful when we appreciate them. Choose to be around people who uplift, enjoy, and love you. Give the gift of you this year. I do every day, whether it is my guests, who I love to see enjoying the place I have created, my close friends who often visit, or a call on WhatsApp from my granddaughter, son, or best friend. Staying in contact with those you love is the best gift to yourself and them. Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes; my cardiologist just told me that, mainly when we focus on the positive. It doesn’t mean we ignore the negative, but being positive can overcome the negative, and we all want to do that. Our mind is our biggest battleground. I experienced this when Misha passed so many years ago. I was constantly thinking about what I could have done to change what had happened, but I couldn’t have done anything. We cannot do anything to change fate. We cannot change or control others, just ourselves. We can and should always be aware of our own lives and actions. Challenge yourself this year and how you react to things that bother you. You will grow substantially, and outside experiences will not affect you badly. I am not saying you have to ignore bad experiences; I am saying that you can process these experiences, whether horrible like the death of a loved one or little daily annoyances that get under your skin. Most of all, listen to yourself and your inner thoughts and follow them even if they are outside the mainstream thinking of others. After all, it is your life, and you should live it fully.

With that, I close by saying how much I still grieve the loss of my child. It will never leave me. On this day of her death anniversary, I walked around putting bananas out for the birds. I felt her presence as I listened to the sounds that filled the air. I know she lives in my world as I am surrounded by so much beauty. Sometimes, the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.