Category: Grief

Posted in Colombia, Colombian life, expat life, glamping, Grief, Healthcare in Colombia, parents of deceased children, Uncategorized, Villa Migelita Ecolodge

Living Fully in Colombia: A Grief Journey

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Here we are again. A new year has started, and I am still processing the year before with goals and thoughts on how to keep them. Today is the anniversary of the death of my daughter. Who else feels like time goes by too quickly? Misha will permanently be in my mind as a twenty-year-old, and when I think of her aging, I always wonder where she would be now at this moment in time. Last year, I started focusing on gratitude daily to keep me centered when things overwhelmed me. I can look around and find something to be grateful for in a second. This practice helps me deal with the grief that is always with me. At times, my Glamping business in Colombia, a unique blend of glamour and camping, gets very busy, and I do my regular appointments and life chores while running a hotel, which requires a good team around me. I’m so grateful for my employees, friends, son, and everyone who is always supportive and there for me. Staying focused and breathing works well; believe me when I say this. I know it is hard, but we all need to return to the happy places in our lives, whatever they may be. I have often said I have found that happy place while living in Colombia, but I can still find ways to improve and work on that frequently misrepresented place.

I know that life gets stressful for all of us, but focusing on what we can appreciate will bring back the calm you might lose during an unexpectedly stressful life event, even an event that happened fifteen years ago when that drunk driver killed Misha. I didn’t realize so many years ago when I lost my daughter, that I handled her death with grace and mindfulness. I was overwhelmed with negativity, but I stayed centered throughout. I credit my mother and father for giving me self-confidence while growing up and always believing in myself. During this time, I found myself grieving but also losing friends who didn’t know what I had gone through before her death. The loss of these friends was a painful reminder of the impact of grief on relationships. I made some decisions based on what I was experiencing during that time. If I hadn’t acted on what I needed to do to save myself, I wouldn’t be here in Colombia with the beautiful life I have created! A life that has helped others, including my son, who loves Colombia and wants to continue my business when I no longer can. Again, Colombia is always number one when I think of three things to be grateful for daily. I didn’t realize it until years into my life here, but Colombia is undoubtedly my home. The mind can be a battleground for all of us because we always imagine the worst when confronting and exploring options in life. Then we overthink our decisions; maybe we shouldn’t. Perhaps we should do what feels right even when the outside world disapproves.

I laugh to myself now about the silly questions from old friends who worried about me and my safety when I moved here almost fourteen years ago. I don’t feel threatened by crime, especially the gun violence that plagues the USA, climate change disasters which so far haven’t affected me where I live, political extremism, health insurance, which is fantastic here in Colombia, and medical bills that are non-existent, a stressful lifestyle, inflation, racism, or economic upheaval; my rights are not under attack, and I have no worries about my immigrant status as I am in the process of becoming of Colombian citizen starting this year. After many years of living in a foreign country, I realize now that I am without many everyday things that worry others who live in my former home of the United States.

My health has remained good, but I am thankful for my excellent health insurance in Colombia. I used it a lot this year. In the spring, I fell from a silly misstep and had to go to the hospital. Fortunately, I didn’t break anything, but my hip feels pain when the weather changes. I had a physical in February and am still following up on tests. I don’t usually post much about my health as it has been good, but this is a good paragraph for those who want to know about preventative health care, which is how Colombian doctors practice. During my yearly physical, a youngish doctor ordered many tests for me last year. When I went for the tests covered by my insurance, the examiner would say, “Do you have a problem, and I would answer not that I know of.” Well, they found a problem that I was unaware of. How about that? The doctor ordered a heart halter, and palpitations occur infrequently throughout the day.

I have an arrhythmia, and it is treatable and not dangerous at this time. As we enter 2025, I have had to go to Cali for tests and to visit a cardiologist. I’m not thrilled because someone must drive me to the medical center in Imbanco, South Cali, Colombia. I have an excellent cardiologist who speaks English and is really cool. An internist found my problem during my yearly physical, and it was a series of different tests until I visited Imbanco for a stress test. I was told immediately after the test what my problem was. I like that you don’t have to wait to hear results from another doctor and stay with fears in mind for a couple of weeks. The stress test was no walk in the park, literally! First, I was placed on my side with a lot of sticky patches called electrodes around the heart area. These patches record your heartbeat and connect to a computer that displays the test results. The assistant records my resting heart rate as dictated by the doctor. The doctor, speaking to me in Spanish (I impressed myself with my ability to understand technical, medical words), told me I would now go to the treadmill. He explained when we were done, he would let me know, and I must go very quickly to the hospital bed nearby and lay on my side so he could use the sonogram and get results of my heart’s activity after the physical activity. I started with a simple walk that continued to get more challenging by increasing the difficulty, incline, and ease of walking. I was winded when he gave me the four-second warning to get to the bed. My mind was thinking, “I have something wrong,” as I lay there breathing heavily and feeling the pounding of my heart in my head! Imagine my surprise when the doctor said, “Your heart is very healthy, but you have an arrhythmia.” I have an appointment in February to see the cardiologist again, and I will probably be prescribed a beta blocker for my problem. The moral of this story is to get a yearly physical and to follow up on your required tests. I was slow about finishing appointments because of my business obligations and could have had something more serious. I also realize my health is the most important thing after this heart scare, and I will enter each day being thankful for the healthcare I have here in Colombia.

Remember, any goals we make don’t come fast and easy. When I moved to Colombia, I aimed to open a Bed and Breakfast hotel. Fourteen years later, I have it, and it is a nice business that keeps me busy, helps me maintain this beautiful property I own, and gives me a purpose in life. Despite many blips along the road to success, I never gave up on my dream. The trick is to enjoy each day and appreciate where you are right now. I often look back to COVID-19 and think my business wouldn’t be able to continue, but my new idea of glamping cabins came out of the pandemic. I was surprised by the success of that venture. Always listen to the ideas you find in your mind; they can lead you to more ideas and reshape your goals and personal achievements. I like to impress myself. It is never about competing with others; it is about falling asleep knowing you are doing your best. Again, try to impress yourself, using gratitude, mindfulness, and thinking of solutions instead of complaints. If all we do is think of the bad things that can occur on any given day, we don’t allow our minds to remember the good things that are also there.

Finally, remember that the most ordinary things become wonderful when we appreciate them. Choose to be around people who uplift, enjoy, and love you. Give the gift of you this year. I do every day, whether it is my guests, who I love to see enjoying the place I have created, my close friends who often visit, or a call on WhatsApp from my granddaughter, son, or best friend. Staying in contact with those you love is the best gift to yourself and them. Our way of thinking creates good or bad outcomes; my cardiologist just told me that, mainly when we focus on the positive. It doesn’t mean we ignore the negative, but being positive can overcome the negative, and we all want to do that. Our mind is our biggest battleground. I experienced this when Misha passed so many years ago. I was constantly thinking about what I could have done to change what had happened, but I couldn’t have done anything. We cannot do anything to change fate. We cannot change or control others, just ourselves. We can and should always be aware of our own lives and actions. Challenge yourself this year and how you react to things that bother you. You will grow substantially, and outside experiences will not affect you badly. I am not saying you have to ignore bad experiences; I am saying that you can process these experiences, whether horrible like the death of a loved one or little daily annoyances that get under your skin. Most of all, listen to yourself and your inner thoughts and follow them even if they are outside the mainstream thinking of others. After all, it is your life, and you should live it fully.

With that, I close by saying how much I still grieve the loss of my child. It will never leave me. On this day of her death anniversary, I walked around putting bananas out for the birds. I felt her presence as I listened to the sounds that filled the air. I know she lives in my world as I am surrounded by so much beauty. Sometimes, the hardest part of the journey is simply believing you’re worthy of the trip.

Posted in Achievements, child death, Colombia, glamping, Grief, nature, survivor, Uncategorized

Can it Really be 2024? Let Me Rewind to 2023 as it Went by So Fast!

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have been trying to sit down and write a blog since December about the highlights of the year 2023. I haven’t had the time, as my business has never been so busy as in the past year. It is a blessing and a curse. I have no time to relax and do what I love the most: writing. My business is officially big here in Colombia. I am featured on Google as number one in the Valle del Cauca when you google Glamping or hotels; I never advertise except by my own reels featured on my Instagram, TikTok*, and Facebook* stories. Yet I keep climbing the Google algorithms. I say this with the utmost awe. I never saw this happening when I expanded my business in 2022 and opened my two Glamping cabins.

Many guests return to my place more than once and I have made some close friends. A young couple, Kevin and Katherine, have become my Colombian family. We spent Christmas together. My son had to be in the United States during Christmastime, and spending the holiday with Kath and Kevin was comforting as I missed my son CJ so much. We played games, cooked, relaxed, and relished this special time of year. My friend Vince, a pilot for Copa, returned with his family for a second time. He brought me an Argentinian wine that was super! Another friend, Omer, returned after the New Year and brought his parents from Amsterdam. We started a tournament with the game Rumicube. I do love to play games. Memories of times in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee return to me when I play board games. Colombians are big on playing games, and I have many to choose from at my Glamping place. My best friend in Colombia, Alvaro, came over with his American family and a beautiful gift of hanging solar lights hummingbirds! I have solar twinkling lights all over my property that light up at night. This gift is unique, and I can remember my dear friends every night when I enjoy it. Another lovely guest made a catalog of ten pages about my business. It has all the information necessary for anyone who makes a reservation at my place. I send the link when someone has questions; it saves me so much time! Other guests often share ideas I should have thought of myself and didn’t. I now have little mini bars and snacks in the two cabanas. People can use the beers, soft drinks, and snacks and pay when they check out. You would think I would have known to do this as I spent so much time in hotels as a flight attendant!

Last year, we had a definite change in the climate at my Glamping business here in Colombia. It rained so much in 2022 that we thought we would never see the sun again. The new year brought the sun to us here in the Andes Mountains, so much sun that we forgot we did not have it the year before. We were grateful when it rained! My Avacodo tree made fruit, and flowers bloomed that I didn’t know I had. The distinct temperature change continues into this new year of 2024 and is quite shocking. I even see mangoes grow on my mango trees. The temperature consistently averaged around 74 degrees during the day, and now it averages 80 degrees here. In direct sunlight, it can actually feel hot. Because of this shift in temperature, I made changes around my property. More areas give shade, including a new roof over my big patio area with games, lounge chairs, and a hammock. I am constantly updating my place with improvements. I just finished a new walkway and revised some of my gardens. I organized my laundry area, updated my outdoor kitchen, and added a beautiful firepit that my guests love to grill and cook San Cocho, a favorite Colombian meal. The climate makes no difference to the bookings at my retreat. People love nature, and they love the beautiful sounds of the birds sharing the rustling breeze and the cool temperatures at night. Not to mention the incredible views of the mountains and the Valle del Cauca seen from every angle here.

Now, for the most fantastic news: I am featured in a docuseries by international Award-Winning Author, Filmmaker, and Empowerment Specialist Toneal M. Jackson* called “I Survived it ALL.” I am one of the women who share their story in the Death segment. The premiere date for my part of the docuseries is March 1st. This docuseries will include stories from myself and other women about Death, Discrimination, Depression., Domestic Violence, and Devastation. The premiere date for my part of the docuseries is March 1st. When Toneal contacted me last year and asked me to participate in her documentary, I said yes. I recorded my part in April. I look forward to the premiere and trust Toneal in her artistic ability to tell my story of grief and gratitude. I will say this, it has been a long journey of healing for me. Some days I wake up and embrace my surroundings, other days I wake up and miss what could have been if Misha had not died. It is a forever part of my personality. I hope that by sharing my thoughts in this docuseries I will help others who have lost a child, grandchild, family member, friend suddenly and without warning. It is something I have accepted and live with day to day. I do the best I can to live my best life while honoring the memory of Misha. I know she would love that I have shared my journey on film and a rememberance of her. The title is so apt because anyone who has lost a loved one knows to keep living is to be a survivor. Feel free to share your own experiences with grief in the comments below. I would love to hear how you have overcome the obstacles that you faced.

If you would like to buy a ticket for any of the series the schedule is on the photo below. I can get a ticket for you, and you don’t have to go to Chicago. I will have a private link on YouTube for anyone who wants to see my survival story, or any of the others that are offered. Please contact me here or on any of my social media sites below.

Facebook: @Michele Huffman Carson or Glamping at Villa Migelita Ecolodge, Colombia

TikTok: @villamigelitacristalcasa

Instagram: @villamigelita-cristalhouse

LinkedIn: @Michele Carson

You can follow Toneal on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter.

@MyNameIsToneal

Booking.com awards

Kath and Kevin
Alvaro and family
The docuseries schedule
Posted in animal death, Colombia, Grief, letting go, Uncategorized

My Sidekick Nayela

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

My sidekick is gone. After two months of treatment, I had to say goodbye. Nayela was a loving companion always in the background of my life. I didn’t photograph her often because she always awaited me in one of her spots. She would sometimes be in videos while I was hiking streams or in photos as part of a group. She was a comforting presence who knew my routine and followed me throughout my day. She was always nearby when I was home. If I was going out for errands and dressed differently, she knew and would run outside to lay in the little garage where she could hear my truck returning. Nayela didn’t show her dog smile often, but when she did, I returned to her after I had left to go somewhere.
Nayela found me during my first month living in Colombia. Someone had thrown her out in the street, and she was hiding under my patio chair when I heard her little whimper. She had left a harsh life on the Colombian streets and never wanted to return. I often think that is why she never left my side in the eleven and half years she was in my life. Her loyalty was unlike my other dogs. She never wanted the doggie love from everyone like most dogs do, she wanted me, and that was all she wanted. I felt she could read my mind, making me uncomfortable because I couldn’t believe she knew what was happening before I did it. I feel guilty while writing this because I often took her for granted. She would be at my feet while at my desk, and I would accept her presence but not acknowledge her. She never went a night without sleeping as close to me as possible, her body against my bed frame. I would have to step over her if I got up at night. When I would do Yoga, she knew my routine so well she would be upstairs waiting outside my bedroom door before I even arrived!

Nayela developed a nervous personality as she grew older. I couldn’t bring her to the veterinarian’s office because she was so fearful of everything, even me brushing her. When I had her groomed a few years back, she had a bad experience, and her personality changed as she grew more introverted. My sweet girl had dreadlocks! When I went on vacation last year, my caregiver said she stayed underneath his bed for two weeks. She would eat her food if he placed it under the bed next to her. My guests at my Glamping Hotel asked if she was mine if she happened to be outside, and they saw her. I would explain that she lived to be with me and she wasn’t social. She was sweet; if she was in a spot near people because I was there, she enjoyed the attention. She never sought it out, but she would greet people she knew. She also loved going on hikes with me and anyone who came along. She would run free and wade in the streams. I think that is the most social she would ever be during her last years.

She developed a mass in the back of her throat. We found it because she had stopped eating, and I thought she had an abscessed tooth. I am very fortunate to have veterinarians that come to my home. When they cleaned her teeth, they found the mass and explained that they could do an exam to see if it was cancerous. It didn’t come back as cancer, just inflammation. I was ecstatic because she seemed to get better quickly and was eating as before for two weeks. Then the medication they injected wore off, and she wouldn’t take her medicines by mouth. She started hiding in the little garage when it was time to eat, even though I tried every soft food to entice her. She ignored it all. The veterinarians came to examine her again, and the growth hadn’t changed. I took this as a sign of hope for her recovery. We tried new medicines, and she was again injected and was great for two weeks. This time when she started acting sick, it was more severe. She would sit in her spots hunched over. I began to accept the truth that this was an illness that wasn’t curable and suspected it had to do with the growth in her throat.

When my beloved dog Marley passed two years ago, I had waited too long to put him to sleep, and he suffered because of my decision. I didn’t want this to happen again. I wanted Nayela to enjoy her last days with us feeling normal and enjoying her time by my side. Her doctors came again and looked in her throat. Her growth was much more significant and obstructed her breathing, eating, and life. I didn’t have good options to save her as the change was in a tough spot to remove. They couldn’t guarantee that they could get everything. She would have to be hospitalized for over a week because she wouldn’t take medicines by mouth. It would kill her to be away from me and probably delay the inevitable. The only solution was to allow her some more time with me, living happily with an injection to keep her comfortable.

When her last day approached, I realized that her loss would affect me profoundly. I didn’t understand how much until now that she was gone. I have trouble going to sleep without her nearby. I sit at my desk as I write, wishing I could feel her next to my feet. When I go to Yoga, I have tears running down my face because she isn’t in her corner watching and waiting for me to finish. I have always felt significant loss from the death of a beloved animal, but this time I feel so much more. Maybe it is because she arrived in my life when I moved to Colombia after my daughter died, and she joined the dogs I brought from the United States. I believe she was a guardian angel who hovered nearby me. Now she is with Marley, her closest dog friend of all. Nayela was the quiet fur child in my fur family. She was content being on the sidelines as long as she could see and be with me. Her name means love in American Indian. She lived her name to the fullest of her ability. Another chapter is gone on my journey to Colombia. All the original animals I had are in doggie heaven. One day maybe another street dog will enter my life that can bring me new memories. After all, saving the life of an animal is the most important thing any of us can do.

.

Posted in animal death, Devastating sadness, family, Grief, happiness, life lessons, Live your best life, Uncategorized

Senior Animals Show Us How to Live Our Best Life.

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have been procrastinating during the past few months. I have all the words I want to say inside of me, yet I can’t bring myself to write them down. I have watched my dog Marley decline. He has arthritis of the hips. He will no longer climb the stairs to the third floor at Villa Migelita Ecolodge because he cannot get down those same stairs. I help him down the small stairs that reach the patio area where I feed all of the animals. I worry how he will continue to walk down any of the stairs at the Villa in the upcoming months as he grows older. As Marley continues to age it brings to mind taking care of my mother when she lived with me years ago. Animals are not so different even though they don’t get to live a long life. How I wish they could.

Marley smiling

Cats are like the comfy blanket we use when we are feeling down. They are always nearby in a spot they have picked out to be the favorite place for a while. They have their habits as we adapt to their idiosyncrasies. Dogs are the smiling faces that wag their tails when they see us. They anxiously await us when we leave the house. Cats not so much as they are such independent creatures. They show their love without a lot of fuss. Cats are insistent and determined in their show of affection. Often in the middle of the night when they decide to climb up on your body or rub a whisker on your face to startle you awake.

Cats create a warmth in any room

All animals age differently. My dog Marley doesn’t look old. He has few grey hairs, but the giveaway is arthritis in his hips. Marley walks with a hesitant gate. He is a bit crooked in his form. When sleeping, the mouth opens in a creepy grin. I often check to see if he is still breathing. Franchesca, my old tortoiseshell cat, could be found sleeping next to Marley on most days. They were friends for many years and came with me to Colombia from the United States. Franchesca passed away suddenly on Thursday. In this video, she looks healthy and very content. I don’t know what happened to Franchesca. Wednesday evening, she was with me in the kitchen talking to me. She always would meow, and I would answer with a meow. She was often in the living room relaxing when she wasn’t outside on a patio taking in the sun. When she didn’t come to the food dish on Thursday morning, I started calling for her. I found her under the small steps that lead to the first-floor patio. She looked asleep, but I knew she wasn’t. I reached in to pick her up, thinking she might be sick. She was dead. I won’t go into the details, but I broke down. She was intact without marks. She didn’t ever wander far as she had her favorite places. Usually, she was with me in the morning when I wake up. Thursday morning, she wasn’t at the end of my bed. I had my gardener bury her with a beautiful plant to mark her grave. Maybe Franchesca had an underlying condition that I was unaware of. Franchesca had a long and rewarding life with me. She was special because my deceased daughter gave her to me as a gift. Franchesca mellowed in her last years. I often would tell my guests she won’t let you pick her up or pet her and, Franchesca always proved me wrong. She was content, living her best life on my farm. I don’t think Franchesca suffered, at least I want to feel that. I want to imagine she closed her eyes and fell into an eternal sleep.

Rating: 1 out of 5.
Marley

I arrived in Colombia with five animals nine years ago. I have only Marley left with me now. Each morning I see Marley smiling at me is another reminder to live my best life. Marley has no worries as he is forever happy. I want to be this way. I want to let go of the burdens I have placed on my heart. I want to feel content in every moment as our senior animals do. They have pain we don’t know about because they never complain. They enjoy each day as if they will live forever. They never appear to worry about their futures. They exist for our pleasure. We exist to receive their love, hope for a great many years together. I can only hope that Marley passes peacefully in his sleep, as I imagine Franchesca did. In the meantime, I am going to appreciate the gift Marley has given me with his beautiful spirit. I am going to grieve my Franchesca as the loss of a family member. I am going to wake up every morning with positivity and a smile. I think my animals have taught me to cherish what I have at this moment.

R.I.P. Franchesca
Posted in Achievements, Alternative Lifestyle, Awakening, Colombia, Colombian life, Entreprenuer, expat life, Grief, happiness, Thanksgiving blessings, Uncategorized

Renewal

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Thanksgiving is not celebrated in Colombia. I haven’t had a meal filled with turkey, stuffing, side dishes, and desserts in years. The meal is not what is important to me, the thankfulness of this life I have created and what I have accomplished is what I celebrate. Remembrance of mistakes but also blessings have brought me to the place I am at in my life. This year I am especially grateful to have my son with me here in Colombia. Observing through his eyes and words is the best part of a journey I began 8 years ago. He is engaged in living his best life, enjoying the nature that he barely noticed when he first arrived at Villa Migelita Ecolodge in Colombia. He is immersed in nature, Spanish, learning a new language, and he has his puppy Cash. I am witnessing what I have accomplished through his eyes and his delight in the little things that I have enjoyed since living in Colombia.

It is always valuable to view life, especially your own life, from a different perspective. Having my son here has made me appreciate the little things that make a huge difference in living my best life. I am sure when he first arrived it was overwhelming to be surrounded in another culture. He had to get used to being awoken by birds, the sounds of roosters and cows, my parrot Luci who takes delight in going on the laundry roof and staring at him through his window and squawking. Seeing the street dogs asleep on the road, the chickens running by as we drive down the mountain, cows grazing on the side of the road, and horses used as transportation to the high mountain farms only accessible by horse or walking. I see all I am used to in a new light and remembering my first year in Colombia. I am looking at my life again with that special renewal of the first year I lived here.

This day before Thanksgiving in Colombia is filled with the delight of decorating Villa Migelita Ecolodge. I don’t think my son has seen Christmas decorations for many years. The delight on his face as we decorated all the floors of my Villa makes my heart smile. This is Colombia and a life I live in this country filled with many small blessings that have grown into a huge blessings filled with my accomplishments. My Villa is my peace. I have found a way to overcome the sadness I experience from the death of my daughter.

I am entirely independent now in Colombia and all that I struggled with for years. Speaking Spanish was the number one hindrance. I now speak conversational Spanish without a problem. I still have difficulties with complex terms, maybe I will forever. I am grateful that I speak another language. I realize that all people should know two languages, and young parents should insist that their children learn another language. This is their future, more so than any sport or extracurricular activity! Enroll your child in a class of whatever language you want them to learn. Have them practice talking the language with someone. It will be the most valuable education you can give them. I think this could be a family activity, one that you all can participate in. Learn together, practice together. I started learning Spanish at the age of 53!

Obtain a passport for everyone in your family, travel to different cultures. Admire those who speak two languages around you, even if they are not perfect. No one should ever condemn anyone who is learning your language, it is not an easy task. I am 8 years in Colombia and I still struggle with my accent and verbiage in Spanish. I have never had one person criticize me. I have found that I am given many kudos for learning the Colombian language of Spanish. I am often told they are studying English and it is very hard to do. I always say you must speak the language to learn the language. My son is an example of this. He only speaks English with me, and Spanish with everyone else, so he is learning at a quick pace to speak Spanish.

I am grateful for many things, but I still have sadness and heartbreak about other parts of my life. I am always trying to understand why people are cruel without reason (even with a reason, I try to be kind always), and I always live what I believe. I think every person who follows my blog and my social media sites know this is true. I still suffer from sadness about the death of my daughter. Life is not fair, nor is it perfect. We have to make the best of what we are given. I think I am doing that.

When your family gathers this Thanksgiving, let go of Politics, let go of grievances, just let go and let be.

Posted in Colombia, Entreprenuer, Grief, hummingbirds, life lessons, Signs of the Universe, Uncategorized, Villa Migelita Ecolodge

A Tribute

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Grief is something that I have learned to live with. I have a hard time when I read of an unexpected death. It happens a lot because I am connected to many people on Facebook. I especially loved the page Hummingbird Haven started by Faye, a very dear person I came to know many years ago. She posted such beautiful photos of hummingbirds she had taken at her home in Oregon on the Columbia River. An amateur photographer who taught herself to take great photos. She encouraged all of us who were not photographers with how fast she learned the artistry of nature photography. Hummingbirds are special messengers to the spiritual world, and I have many here in Colombia, South America also. Faye had her own stories of grief, hardship, and love which she shared willingly with all of us who followed her. She helped so many of us who did not actually know her personally, she was a brilliant diamond who drew us into her world, life, and her love of hummingbirds.

I would visit her page daily just to see the beautiful posts she shared of the world surrounding her along with the photos of her hummingbirds. She posted photos of Eagles, the Columbia River, scenic landscape shots of her home, and barns. I was enchanted to visit with her every single day. I would occasionally send her a photo of one of my hummingbirds and sometimes she would post them even though the quality of my photography left a lot to be desired back when I was learning about photography myself. She would direct people to my page Villa Migelita Ecolodge and tried to help me gain followers. She was so generous in her help to others. She was instrumental in getting me and my Ecolodge started.

One day a hummingbird flew into my office through the open window. I was able to video the miracle that occurred with my other hand. I kept trying to put this Fawn-breasted brilliant hummingbird back outside with the other hummingbirds. It kept returning to me. I am still convinced it was a message of love sent to me through the Universe from my deceased daughter. I wasn’t finished with the construction work on my Villa, my chipped fingernails and hands that were very chapped from working in my organic garden looked horrible. I look back at this video and think this is when my destiny took hold, and I soared with the prospects of a new and better future. I shared the video with Faye and she posted it on her page for me. I couldn’t believe it when the video went viral. I think over 500,000 people viewed it.

As a result of this video and dear Faye I was contacted by several people and had my first guests arrive to stay at my Villa here in the Andes Mountains of Colombia in the Valle del Cauca department. I now have a popular hotel visited by hummingbird photographers, nature photographers, nature lovers, adventure travel enthusiasts, and people who just want to visit and bask in the peace that surrounds me. I know it is because Faye shared the video of the hummingbird that wouldn’t leave that I had my moment to shine. I continued to pursue my dream as a woman entrepreneur and to meet people from all over the world.

I am living a life that any retired flight attendant would love, a life that I appreciate daily when I look around at what I have created. All the while having visitors come to my place of living. I get to share the hospitality I learned from being a flight attendant for so many years. I will be forever grateful for Faye. She helped me and I am sure she has helped others as well. If you were on her page she prayed for you. I know she did because she told all of us daily that she kept all of her thousands of followers in her prayers. I can only hope that she knows how many of us loved her so much, even though we didn’t know her personally. She was an inspiration to all. God bless you Faye Marie Miller for all you did for the people you touched. I know I am a better person for having shared some of my life with you. Now you are gone to a better place escorted by the beautiful hummingbirds you loved so much. I will never forget you. I hope you meet up with all who have gone before you and continue to spread the joy you gave to all of us. Thank you, Faye, I will always appreciate what you did for me. I also hope you meet my daughter, I will always feel she had a hand in our meeting and that very special video.

Posted in animal death, Colombian life, country living, Devastating sadness, Dogo Argentino, expat life, family, Grief, letting go, life lessons, love, sadness, strength, Uncategorized, Villa Migelita Ecolodge

Que Sera Que Sera, What will be will be.

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

Orion has passed. I am still coming to terms with his death. I have trouble writing it down or speaking of it. He grew tired. I feel guilty. I brought Kira home and he did his job. He trained her. She is perfect and is a protector of her new home. He is gone. I am devastated. I couldn’t talk about it and will have a hard time with all of your sympathies because I loved that dog so much. He was so special and then I had to make a decision. I couldn’t do it. He became sick and was at the Veterinarians and it was quite sad. He was always free and then he was in a kennel without me and all of us at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. I brought him home and my Veterinarian came to my home to put him to rest.

Orion and Kira
A favorite photo of Orion with Kira

I wasn’t going to write this blog yet because to be honest just writing it down causes me grief. This is why you haven’t heard from me in a while on my blog. I haven’t been able to process the grief I feel. Yesterday, I found out that someone who worked here with me posted that Orion had passed. I don’t know how he found out because very few people knew about it. I was quite upset because this person had nothing to do with Orion’s care or any part of Orion at all. In fact, this person pushed me one time and Orion bit him in the ribs. Orion broke two. That was the only time I saw Orion become aggressive with a human, a human he did love, but he knew he was no one important. Orion could have killed him but he chastised him instead. Quite painfully, but this person is lucky he didn’t do more damage. I am devastated that Orion’s death was sensationalized by a nobody who was a worker at my wonderful nature retreat Villa Migelita Ecolodge.

That being said I need to give Orion the wonderful accolades he deserves. Because of this menial person I am forced to write before I have felt ready about my life with my beautiful Orion.

Orion came to me by chance. He had four previous homes and I was his last. He was the forever loyal dog we all want that was the King of Villa Migelita Ecolodge. My customers loved him, and he was always so gentle with everyone. He was the master of my Villa. He was the gorgeous fixture who was so gentle despite his intimidating presence

Close up photos 026
Those eyes of Orion, they come to me in my dreams.

Orion was the dog you want for a farm. Many people do not understand big dogs need space to roam. We rescued Kira and we are now looking for an older male Dogo Argentino around the same age of Orion when he became part of my fur family. He was forever happy at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. It pains me to say that he was ready when he crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He never had a leash on for most of his life. He just had my large area of land and he didn’t go outside of my Villa much. I put a leash on him when the veterinarian came up to put him to sleep. He went willingly to the spot in the back of my property where I have buried some of my pets who have passed. He knew. He was ready. I covered him with hugs, kisses and my actual body. I couldn’t quit crying as I am now while I write it down. He crossed his legs and just waited. I kept saying how sorry I was to do this to him. He was noble and everyone was crying when he finally went. I then just lay with him for a long time. I will never forget my Orion, nor the love and protection he gave me.

Kira is now the guardian of Villa Migelita Ecolodge. She sleeps where she did with Orion and she runs outside at any noise she hears. She is growing and Orion made sure she was perfect for her new position.

canopy-010
Christmas will never be the same without Orion

Orion and me big head
No words can describe my grief.

Camping photos
Always next to me, protecting and observing.

me and farm visitors 018
Always and forever “My big boy”

My life is forever changed because of Orion and I know he is still in spirit with us at Villa Migelita Ecolodge. The first night after he passed, Jazmin heard him snoring outside of her room where he slept. She kept opening the door and he wasn’t there. One of the twins went in the hallway one night and saw him in the same spot. He is still here guiding Kira, and watching all of us.

Posted in Colombia, country living, Dogo Argentino, Entreprenuer, expat life, family, farm life, freedom, friendship, Grief, happiness, life lessons, love, parents of deceased children, Perfection and Peace, Signs of the Universe, Spanish speaking, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized, Villa Migelita Ecolodge

The Christmas Surprise

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

I have been telling everyone for the last year I need to find a new Dogo Argentino puppy. Orion is getting old, and unfortunately for all of us dog lovers we know life expectancy for large dogs is not a long time. Orion is our big boy here at Villa Migelita Ecolodge.

I never thought it would be possible to find another dog of my dreams here in Colombia. I wanted another Orion. I thought this would be impossible, how can one find perfection again? I was given him by a neighbor before I moved to Villa Migelita Ecolodge because he grew huge and ate so much. He was in a tiny house and needed space! Orion came with health problems, he has broken two bones since I have had him, is allergic to any collar he has ever worn. My veterinarian put this blue rope on him which they use for cattle, but he still gets small outbreaks of irritation.  I give Orion Kumis a pure yogurt without sugar every morning for help with his skin. He never waivers in his loyalty, nor his job of protection and love. My guests who visit adore him. He is a dog who is gentle but has a tail that can cause bruises from wagging. He is that strong, and I always have bananas around for everyone to give to him, they are his favorite treat. He is the main man in my life. Orion is intelligent, he listens, he is kind,  and he is gentle with my new baby Kira (Key Ra) whom we just adopted. He has the intelligence that some humans do not have. He is why I was determined to have a Dogo Argentino puppy when I was ready to adopt again. He is probably not pure (his color) but in every other way he is a Dogo Argentino. Maybe this is why he had so many homes, he wasn’t perfect, possibly the runt of the litter. I have always wondered about him as a puppy. I am finding out with Kira. She is strong of personality and determination.

Orion and me big head
He is not a perfect Dogo , but he is close. I don’t care because I always RESCUE my dogs!

Orion would be perfect a Dogo Argentino if he was white as snow. He was given to me after 4 different people gave him away. He was so scared that first day he came to me, right before I moved to my farm. He was so happy to be fed a good meal, he accepted all my animals, and he became my most loyal companion and protector. For me to make a decision to look for a puppy was difficult. I didn’t want him nor Marley to feel sad, insecure, or upset. Well, guess who accepted Kira (Noel) unconditionally? Orion. Marley can no longer hear and when Kira surprises him he acts out a little bit, Nayela is jealous, while Orion is being patient and kind. He even allows her to sleep with him in his bed. She follows him and copies him, which I want. He is her teacher for the future and as of now he is doing a perfect job.

Kira and birds Thurs Dec 13 011
Except for the color Orion is a perfect Dogo Argentino and Kira will soon be his size!

Kira and some birds 062
Orion came to me with those ears, and they took two years to heal. Kira will keep her floppy ears!

I first started talking to my friends here in Colombia about getting a puppy early this year. I wanted a little girl because Orion would accept her much easier than another male. I also wanted to find a rescue. I thought this would be impossible, but decided to start looking after the beginning of the New Year. Little did I know my sweet Jazmin, who is always doing kind acts and is a daughter to me, was secretly looking for months on rescue groups in Cali, Colombia for a baby Dogo Argentino for Christmas. She found Kira. Exactly what I wanted! She contacted the person who had Kira listed and was told come quickly, we have many who want her. But this lovely woman became friends with Jazmin when she told her about how beautiful Villa Migelita Ecolodge is and what a beautiful place for Kira to live. We arrived in Cali after two days and were handed this sweet little baby who is forever part of our lives now. She is not easy, but learns quickly. We refuse to crate her, our dogs are integrated and she is learning the schedule and adapting quite well. Nothing is perfect with a new baby, and Kira is a baby! She is a smart and cunning baby though, and we can’t take our eyes off of her, even though she already knows during the day to walk down the stairs to go out to the bathroom.

Now for the part I have been holding back about. It involves Misha my deceased daughter. I know I bring her into a lot of my blogs, but she is really part of my life still. This will give you the chills about the name for Kira.  Kira pronounced Key Ra is Kara in English. I didn’t pick her name the twins who are Jazmin’s girls did. Cara (spelled with a C) has the same pronunciation as Kara was my deceased daughter’s middle name. They told me the name they wanted and I was floored. I had no words except to say, I love it.

Kira is special, and like Orion I believe she was given to me with a lot of love from above. Whatever you believe in spiritually, you cannot deny when you see a real life miracle happen. Kira is that. She is difficult, she is headstrong, she is beautiful and she is my Misha in a way. I will never look at her without thinking of my daughter Mikel Cara Carson. Because no matter the difficulties of culture, language and more I experience here in Colombia, love always finds a way into my life.

After many years of avoiding Christmas and all the festivities, I am embracing and holding them close. I have the perfect gift. Her name is Kira and she was sent from above.

Kira and birds Thurs Dec 13 052
My perfect Christmas Baby

 

 

Posted in Cali Colombia, child death, Colombia, family, friendship, Grief, hip surgery, life lessons, parents of deceased children, sadness, Signs of the Universe, Spiritual Presence, strength, Uncategorized

Another sign from Misha

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

All who follow my blog know I believe in the Universe and spiritual signs. The Universe, nature, and the environment are my religion. I’m not a believer in organized religion. That is not to say those that do have it wrong. This also doesn’t mean I am an atheist or an agnostic because I have no doubt that God exists. I’m happy to do my meditation within my world of beauty at Villa Migelita Ecolodge, because I consider nature to be my church. I believe that if we allow others to influence our thinking through their opinions and bias we cannot be free thinkers.

Everyone who follows my blog knows I am in Cali, Colombia because I have had hip surgery. I’m challenging myself every single day with physical therapy and it is not easy. I’m weak after my hour of intense exercises. I’m also shaky and hungry. Yesterday while riding the bike I felt a pain in my right leg and it is difficult to accept that I am in for a long process to get back to where I was before I found out I had CAM, and started living with undeniable pain in my hips. That pain is gone, but new pain is arriving as my physical therapist demands more from me at every session. I’m walking as much as I can now without crutches. This week my PT told me to use them less. I bring  one crutch with me now when I go out because I use it if I need to stand anywhere for a long time, for hills, and for stairs. I don’t  use them at all in the house. This is new territory for me, a transition perhaps, I  have to accept I’m no longer the exercise queen, but an older woman who still thinks young.

This past weekend I had so much fun with Jazmin, she is my rock. I find myself focusing on many things that are important to my physical self. Without her support it would be quite difficult to be in Cali for a month! I’m sure I would not have plans like I do, nor go out as much. She keeps me young in thought and in style. Including, making me wear shorts and changing the color of my lipstick!savingPNG

While we were out this past weekend I was thinking so much about Misha and how  Jazmin takes care of me. Jazmin is close to the age Misha would be if she was still alive. Sometimes, I feel Misha is inside of Jazmin. I know that sounds strange, but Misha would be telling me to change my lipstick, to wear shorts and she would be making me get out and do things. She was always that way with me, even when we didn’t get along. Misha was always  in my closet using my clothes. Now Jazmin uses my clothes also. She is so much like Misha, but there is no other side to Jazmin, she is who she is and never changes. Jazmin is a young mother like Misha would be and a person who appreciates what is happening in her life as we work together. She also is funny, inspiring, kind, and my best friend. Jazmin brings thoughts of Misha to my mind often.

IMG_4800
I’m wearing shorts! Even with those white legs of mine.

After a fun evening  with Jazmin on Saturday, when we got home there was a photo waiting for me in Facebook messenger. My cover photo of Misha as a young girl, with a  little friend . It was from a friend I hung out with in the early years of my marriage, before everything went wrong. I’m not really in touch with her much anymore, but it seems Misha always reaches out to me through different ways, always unexpectedly. The photo had been sent only minutes before I arrived back at my rented place here in Cali, Colombia. I had never seen this photo before, and it took me by surprise because as I said before I had been thinking a lot about Misha recently.

I have discovered over the past eight years that you make friends, lose others, make new bonds, but the emotional pain doesn’t change, it holds on with a grip that cannot be undone. More sadness and grief are always waiting in the corner ready to punch you in the gut when you least expect it. I’m still trying to make peace with losing touch with my granddaughter. I speak to her every so often, but she is being controlled and she can do nothing about it at her young age, she sounds very sad and scared to say much when I do talk with her. I’ve learned to accept that bad people will hurt children and destroy their self-esteem  to get even for long ago slights. Not even my slights, but maybe something Misha had done before she was killed.

When I was out that evening with Jazmin I kept thinking about how much Misha would enjoy the lifestyle I lead in Colombia, a life filled with adventure, peace and lovely friends. I often think she could really be herself here in Colombia, as I have found out myself. When I saw the photo of Misha’s sweet face with freckles, I teared up. Somehow, she is watching me. I can’t explain everything that has happened since she passed, but it seems when I have some difficult times she sends a message. This time it was her smile. Still the same as she grew older, lips together and mischievous. Honestly, she must know someway that I’ve been missing her a lot while I heal from surgery. She let me know she misses me too.

Posted in child death, Colombia, Devastating sadness, Disappointment, family, Grief, life lessons, love, Nature Symbolism, parents of deceased children, Spiritual Presence, Uncategorized

A Dream

Posted on by hummingsfromparadise

The cover photo is Villa Migelita Ecolodge the very first time I visited. I had been looking at many properties and I knew immediately when I saw this Villa it was the place I had been waiting to find.

villa-migelita-072
This photo was also taken on my first visit, look at the Orb. Misha is with me here. She is in a parallel universe, but she shows up sometimes and I cannot ignore the signs. A definite angel in the light of my photo.

I loved the Italian style look of this old Villa, I loved the wildness and the mountain views. I wanted to live in a climate that had no need for air conditioning. I enjoy the tranquility of my Villa which is now a legal hotel in the rain forest of Colombia. I could see it was just in need of some loving attention. Butterfly video and photos 008

The American and Colombian flags fly high

Today Misha would be 29 years old. Yesterday I went to where she is buried in her special garden to talk to her. I don’t do this often because I see her special resting area all the time, and I feel her presence. Today, I felt her drawing me to the garden where a simple angel marks her resting place. The angel was turned on its side. I sat it upright and thought she wanted me to do this. She is around me in her soul presence. When I feel especially sad she sends me a hummingbird, and always the same kind. She sent one on Friday. It is the Long billed hermit hummingbird of Colombia. My housekeeper called me because she found it in my office. Always they enter my office, and always the same species. Misha knows this is my place to write and to watch all of my hummingbirds. The interesting part is this species do not ever use the feeders, I rarely see them from the window of my office: except one comes almost every morning and looks at me through the window for a moment and leaves.

I recently wrote a blog about a time when Misha and I were having problems. All these times seem so long ago. But they exist and need to be written down so that many who were cruel to me during the time of her death know how cruel they actually were. I am writing for my healing.  It is not true that one gets over a death of a beloved person as years pass. It is also not the truth that even if the person who has died did horrible things to you, your love didn’t exist. What is true is you feel confusion about the grief you carry inside for the rest of your life. I still have my memories of all the wonderful times from my life with her, but I have awful memories too. That is why I’m writing these blogs in preparation for the book that I’m writing simultaneously. I want to be clear about how a child that took me to the depths of despair was also one who took me to the heights of love.

Recently I had a dream where she came to me. It has been so long since this has happened. I was back in time, the time when I was preparing for my move to Colombia. I was in her room, and I was boxing things and they were from many years of redecorating her room. Remember, this is a dream and actually the room had been empty of her personal possessions for a long time, but in my dream it was the way her room looked the last time it had been redecorated. I felt deep and unrelenting sadness as I picked up items that brought memories with them. I could see the colors of sheets, the stripes in these floor cushions she had, the curtains that covered her closet. It was all so detailed. Then she appeared and was just watching. Tears were falling from her eyes, and we made eye contact. Her hair was blond like in high school. She gave me her lips together half-smile as the tears fell. Then the tears became snowflakes frozen on her face and I woke up.

As I lay in the darkness on my bed I tried to go back to sleep and to the dream, just to see her again. I wanted to understand why the snowflakes? I understood the tears, as I had them falling down my face when I awoke. She feels badly about how she left this world and me. We had a love that transcended the bad times, a love that was flawed but real. A love that no one can take from me with gossip or lies about the actual reality of our relationship. The reality she knew and the truth of the last years of her life when she changed so dramatically.

The significance of this dream is something I will never know, but I realize she is sad for me. She is also in my sphere of the Universe still. This dream makes me realize that my dream of having a hotel and continuing on with my life as best I can is the best way to deal with such deep rooted memories of another lifetime. A situation I carry inside me. Until I write everything down, I will feel incomplete.

Maybe the snowflakes mean she is frozen in time, somewhat like myself. Even though I have accomplished so much, I continue to transmit to those around me, pieces of myself that Misha shattered and left me to deal with. By writing this on the day she was born 29 years ago, I am committing myself to telling the truth, the good and the bad. The joy that I felt  that day when she entered this world was transcendent, the sadness I felt when she left this world was transcendent.

Her birthday holds more significance than her death day, because she had the world and life before her. She made wrong choices as she grew into her teen years. She left me alone to deal with all of it after she was killed. My way of getting on with my life is certainly controversial to some, and maybe to others quite impressive. Whatever may be in anyone’s minds is not of importance to me. What is important is that Misha didn’t have the chance to grow into the woman she should have become and live her life as a mother, sister, and a daughter. With that I wish her a Happy Birthday and can only hope she is still actually with me, because she came to me in a dream.